I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.

Listening to undergrads compose short fiction is kind of painful. The stuff that they think is esoteric and indicative of their untapped wit is really just kind of stupid. I know, because I wrote the exact same shit when I was an undergrad. I should see if I can dig up the short story I wrote about the faux-Lifetime channel. It was meant to be a biting satire on women’s television, but it was really just a steaming turd. Oh, well. These are the lessons one must learn on her own.

Someone please tell me that this little phase that the baby is going through will dissipate once he’s in school. Every single night ends in tears (both mine and his) because he is either in total asshole mode, which includes mouthing off, refusing to listen, fooling around when he’s (not) eating dinner which results in food on the floor, flicking me and his dad with his fingers when we tell him no, or he switches right to you’re-way-too-old-for-this mode, which includes screaming, crying, and just general tantrums. Dudes, I am DONE! Louis C.K. says that the reason his 4-year-old daughter is an asshole is because nobody calls her on her bullshit. I don’t get it. I call him on his bullshit. I see no improvement.

Thank god that some monkeys once ate some fermented grapes that had been sitting on the ground and invented wine and the almighty buzz.

The guilt-ridden mom in me keeps thinking, “This is because you work and the husband goes to school and you aren’t around him everyday.” Granted, there may be some truth in there. He doesn’t get to see us during the day and I imagine he’s pretty bored with life by this point. He has some justifiable reasons to act out. I just wish he wouldn’t.

Speaking of Louis C.K., you are all jealous of me because I am going to see him tomorrow night! I should probably invest in some Depends, since he has a tendency to make me pee my pants. However, I bought the tickets months ago, when I thought that the baby’s first day of school was August 30th. So I get to pull another stellar parent moment when I say, “How was your traumatic first day of kindergarten at your new school with the school bus and the kids and the lunchroom I have to go bye kiss kiss.”

I win at life.

8 comments to Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.

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