Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.

Listening to undergrads compose short fiction is kind of painful. The stuff that they think is esoteric and indicative of their untapped wit is really just kind of stupid. I know, because I wrote the exact same shit when I was an undergrad. I should see if I can dig up the short story I wrote about the faux-Lifetime channel. It was meant to be a biting satire on women’s television, but it was really just a steaming turd. Oh, well. These are the lessons one must learn on her own.

Someone please tell me that this little phase that the baby is going through will dissipate once he’s in school. Every single night ends in tears (both mine and his) because he is either in total asshole mode, which includes mouthing off, refusing to listen, fooling around when he’s (not) eating dinner which results in food on the floor, flicking me and his dad with his fingers when we tell him no, or he switches right to you’re-way-too-old-for-this mode, which includes screaming, crying, and just general tantrums. Dudes, I am DONE! Louis C.K. says that the reason his 4-year-old daughter is an asshole is because nobody calls her on her bullshit. I don’t get it. I call him on his bullshit. I see no improvement.

Thank god that some monkeys once ate some fermented grapes that had been sitting on the ground and invented wine and the almighty buzz.

The guilt-ridden mom in me keeps thinking, “This is because you work and the husband goes to school and you aren’t around him everyday.” Granted, there may be some truth in there. He doesn’t get to see us during the day and I imagine he’s pretty bored with life by this point. He has some justifiable reasons to act out. I just wish he wouldn’t.

Speaking of Louis C.K., you are all jealous of me because I am going to see him tomorrow night! I should probably invest in some Depends, since he has a tendency to make me pee my pants. However, I bought the tickets months ago, when I thought that the baby’s first day of school was August 30th. So I get to pull another stellar parent moment when I say, “How was your traumatic first day of kindergarten at your new school with the school bus and the kids and the lunchroom I have to go bye kiss kiss.”

I win at life.

8 Responses to “Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.”

  1. Kizz Says:

    Even though he’s not in school yet you’re back in school and the summer time feel has changed already. He’s just doing that “I hate change so I will bring down holy hell on all those within my reach”. I betcha it’ll change once he’s in school…for a bit. He’s got to get over the back to school routine part first.

  2. Kizz Says:

    And it sucks and I’m sorry and thank heaven for those first drunk monkeys!

  3. kdiddy Says:

    Thanks, Kizz. *raises glass*

  4. Tate Says:

    Oh. My. God. Thank you for that clip. I’ve never heard of this Louis CK fellow before, but that was hilarious and so, so right on. “Sorry guys we can’t go. ‘Why not?’ Bill won’t put his shoes on.”

  5. kdiddy Says:

    oh, Tate, he’s awesome. You really need to rent or borrow the DVD of his recent HBO special and the first and only (travesty!) season of his HBO series, Lucky Louie. Pure gold.

  6. rackletang Says:

    Honey, I live with a stay-at-home mom, and her kids are uncooperative assholes, too. Hell, their dad works from home most days. They get plenty of parent time, they’re just assholes. *much love*

    Also, Louis CK is the awesomest.

  7. Tate Says:

    I put “Shameless” on my Netflix queue immediately after watching that clip.

  8. Akiramich Says:

    FWIW My Grand Neice had her first day of kindergarten yesterday, and my nephew said not only did she get right on the bus, when she got home, she announced that she had such a wonderful time and could not wait to go back the next day….

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