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Another way in which the universe has failed me

I don’t understand why I can’t just snap my fingers and have bagels and cream cheese appear in front of me.

I’m getting myself motivated to get up and get my coffee and the baby wants some tea. Yeah, it’s that kind of a day. Classes are over. I turned in my last regular assignment yesterday (and had a nightmare last night that I did it totally wrong because that prof’s directions are always 40 pages long and I don’t have time for all that), and I have a final portfolio due next Friday. I imagine I’ll be able to get it done before then. And then I shall say farefuckingwell to this semester. It was such a bear. My classes were good and I learned a lot but it was way too hard overall. Interestingly enough, that seems to be the consensus among any student types that I talk to.

I really felt like the last few weeks I was just barely hanging on. I skimmed readings to try to get the general idea, but I think I stopped actually reading early in November. I did assignments with the sole goal of getting them done, no real concern over whether or not it was any good.

At some point it all got to be too much and I’ll feel really stupid if my grades suck because I overextended myself (for the record, grades sucking is C level. I’m perfectly happy with Bs). I just really want to get through this program relatively quickly so I can start working in a field that really uses whatever interests or talents that I claim to have.

My version of motivation is so weird. I was telling Angela the other day that I don’t really have any ambitions in life…not career-wise, anyway. It may sound trite but my family is what makes me happy. I want a career that will help me provide for them, that I like, and that will never try to take precedence in my life. I understand that if I don’t commit myself to working 100 hours a week, I’m never going to be some hotshot, but I just don’t care about any of that. Even if I didn’t have the husband or the baby, I would never want to spend all of my time working. I value the time that I’m able to just sit and think too much. I feel like a lot of people around my age are obsessed with finding the perfect career or the best career, but I feel like I’ll never have passion for any profession as much as I have passion for just living and being. Seriously, how could any job even hope to come close?

5 comments to Another way in which the universe has failed me

  • Alaina

    I just wrote an entry saying the same stuff you’re saying about how your priorities don’t lie with work, but I made it private because I thought it sounded stupid. The instructors at my school don’t seem to get it either. I once said something about not looking forward to working full time, (sidenote: there are hardly any full-time dental hygiene positions) and my teacher acted like I was out of my mind. That’s the appeal to me though…decent pay for part-time work!

  • I hate to say it, because I actually do respect that women in the workplace deal with a set of constraints that guys do not, and therefore are a minority in the classic sense…but this is one of those areas where guys do suffer more than girls. This attitude is actually a lot more common than you might think – I mean, I hold it, for one – but it’s much, much more dangerous (the only adjective that really fits) for a man to hold it than for a woman. If you express that you value your family above your job to a venture capitalist or an upper-level manager, you can pretty much kiss your prospects with that company goodbye. The glass ceiling is as firmly in place for you as anyone who ever walked into that office with a nice pair of tits, and they really don’t give a damn whether or not you have kids to feed or whether or not your wife works.

  • Scooterbird, interesting that you should bring that up. When I wrote that post, I wasn’t even thinking of it from the perspective of a woman, just as a worker/professional. If I were in a professional situation, I would never mention my family as motivation to…I don’t know, what would you call it…not participate in the race. But you remind me that people will assume/know that my desire to be with my family has nothing to do with the fact that my family is just awesome and everything to do with the fact that I am a woman and of course that’s what I want. It’s in my nature. At least for guys the perception is that they’ve made a decision to be a softy. I, apparently, can’t help it. We gals don’t make decisions…we just feel things.

  • tom

    is there really a choice? i think the only choice is to buy into that hyper american version of capitalism that says you should work till you drop. fuck that shit. im much more down with the lax euro style, long lunches at home midday, 4 day work weeks, etc.

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