I am in serious need of some levity today (is that a contradiction?), so in honor of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs and the subsequent hilarious responses, I give you my top 15 conservative songs:
1. The Beatles “Norwegian Wood” – The line “Isn’t it good, Norwegian wood?” refers to the glorious benefits of a global market and the commercial opportunities afforded to us by imports and free trade. Look for Ringo Starr’s follow-up anthem for Ikea, “Swedish Particleboard.”
2. The Rolling Stones “Start Me Up” – This song was written to celebrate the release of Windows 95 and the overall capitalist success of Microsoft. Only in America!
3. The Beach Boys “God Only Knows” – “God only knows what I’d be without you,” is a sweet ode to The Creator’s omnipotence and psychic powers.
4. U2 “Sunday Bloody Sunday” – In the line, “How long? How long must we sing this song?” Bono expresses his exasperation with singing such liberal anthems.
5. The Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the U.K.” – The call for anarchy is obviously sarcasm. This song is actually just a call for an end to big government.
6. Metallica “One” – “Fed through the tube that sticks in me/Just like a wartime novelty/Tied to machines that make me be/Cut this life off from me” speaks to the glory of dying on the battlefield…er, well, almost dying on the battlefield.
7. The Kinks “Lola” – “I pushed her away/I walked to the door/I fell to the floor/I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me” refers to the physical altercation that always ensues when a manly man realizes that the chick he’s been macking on is actually a dude. It happens to the best of us.
8. Bob Dylan “Masters of War” – In the line, “You fasten the triggers/For the others to fire/Then you set back and watch/When the death count gets higher” Dylan acknowledges the fact that those who are drawn to politics aren’t that great with all of the killing and stuff and that it’s better left to people who are more predisposed to rage…like pissy broke people.
9. The Pretenders “Brass in Pocket” – The title line is an homage to how it’s better to have money than to not have money and those who do not have money should get some so that they won’t be poor anymore and then they can stop whining about being hungry all the time.
10. David Bowie “Suffragette City” – A plaintive song about how women gaining the right to vote directly led to men refusing to help their buddies in favor of shagging.
11. Ben Folds Five “Song for the Dumped” – Folds rails against welfare queens when he screams, “Give me my money back, you bitch!”
12. Led Zeppelin “Stairway to Heaven” – Proof that God is a capitalist: “And she’s buying a stairway to heaven/And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed/With a word she can get what she came for.” THERE ARE STORES IN HEAVEN! We can shop ’til we die and then just keep shopping!
13. Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha” – The obvious lesson from this song is that good ol’, healthy American competition gives us all character…and results in hotter chicks who will fight and/or make out to attract men with five brain cells. Everyone wins!
14. Chumbawamba “Tubthumping” – Sure, the band members are all anarchists and anti-corporate, but you can’t miss the Horatio Alger pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps of “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.”
15. Jimi Hendrix “Purple Haze” – When he sings (I think), “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy!” Hendrix is apologizing for his homosexuality because he knows it threatens my marriage.
Bonus: Heidi Montag “Higher” – The song is being considered as the new theme for No Child Left Behind.