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I Read A Lot of Internets

shit sucks

On Saturday morning, I opened my email to find yet another alert from my bank telling me that my account was suspended again. “Argh,” I thought. “What a pain. I’ll call them in a little bit.” I went and got the snail mail and found a letter from the bank. “What’s this?” I wondered. It was an overdraft notice and my bank balance contained a “-” and quite a few digits and the only sound that could be heard for many miles was the primal scream that I let loose.

There are few things more embarrassing than talking to three different customer service reps while your voice is very obviously shaking and you are completely failing at hiding the fact that you are losing your shit. One woman felt bad for me and told me to try to have a good day after explaining that, yes, it does look like someone was trying to hack into your account, but you’re overdrawn because we decided to reject your economic stimulus check and charge you hundreds of dollars in fees. Essentially, we jacked the money that you got from the government. Yes, please, do try to have a good day and I hope you don’t have too hard of a time sitting down after that fresh ass-raping. Kthxbi!

Immediately after that, I got an email from a friend and it contained some really disappointing news that, for me, threw our whole friendship into question.

I went upstairs and stared at the husband. Apparently, I have mental powers that alert those close to me that, “YO SOME SHIT IS GOING DOWN.” The husband woke up, saw me, and said, “What is it?” I lost it. I crumpled into his arms and sobbed, wondering when the hell something is going to go right for us.

And so it continued for most of the weekend. My mom showed up yesterday afternoon to take me to the mall so that she and I could get new cell phones (I’m on her plan). On our way out to South Hills Village mall, we were stopped by a member of the Mt. Lebanon police. My mom had tried to move over, figuring that the frantic officer had his lights and sirens on to pursue an actual criminal, but the cop screamed at us to pull over. There are very few things that this particular officer could have done to make the traffic stop more infuriating. He was cocky. He was condescending. He was threatening. He asked my mother how long she had been driving and didn’t she know that she was responsible for pulling over at the command of an emergency vehicle. Oooh, he was disgusting. I could practically see his power-trip boner poking through his blues.

At the end of our traffic stop, which he extended for the maximum amount of time so that he could feel at least somewhat useful as a cop and a human being for a little while longer, he handed my mom a verbal warning for her inspection sticker, which had expired a week ago, and a $75 ticket for “refusing” to stop for an emergency vehicle.

He also handed me a sticker for the baby, which I declined, as I am not in the habit of accepting gifts from abusive people whom I detest.

However, we did get cell phones and in a fit of, “I need something good to happen today,” I went to Victoria’s Secret and replaced my 4-year-old bras. Somehow, this little bit of consumerism made me feel so much better.

Life may be dragging me down, but my boobs don’t have to.

11 comments to shit sucks

  • You are fully prepared to go “chin up, boobs out!” and conquer this crappy, crappy development. I think bras were the perfect call.

    Cocksure fuckhead police officers suck.

  • Ed

    How do they “reject” that, of all things? I could see them getting suspicious about a handwritten starter check made out to “kdiddy” for “a shit-ton of dough”, but come ON!

  • Rachel

    My one and only time I was pulled over by a cop sounds a LOT like your time. However, THIS cop didn’t put his lights on, his siren was on, then he turned it off, then he turned it on again… I was driving, like, 45 mph and he CALLED FOR BACKUP because I didn’t pull over. IMMEDIATELY. I’m like, “Dude. You never had your lights on. You had your siren on… then you turned it off. You confused me, this is YOUR FAULT.” And he threw attitude at me, that PA cops don’t HAVE to turn their lights on, don’t you know that, you ignorant West Virginian (which is an ABSOLUTE untruth, they DO have to turn them on, I found out, thank you, PA lawyer friend…)

    He didn’t ticket me for “the chase,” he tried to tell me that my 5 year old saw him and didn’t SHE tell me there was a policeman behind me?? He did ticket me for going 60mph in a deceleration zone that went from 65mph quickly to 45mph… 20 cars sped past me going faster than me, and I asked him, “Why didn’t you pull THEM over?” and he said, “I guess it’s just your bad day.” ARgh.

  • Lizzie

    Since we’re sharing nasty cop stories, here’s my “favorite,” though it’s by proxy since I wasn’t there. My brother was pulled over on his birthday, and after the cop took his license and gave him some hardly-justified ticket, he said condescendingly (at least, according my brother’s impersonation), “Happy Birthday, SIR.” Ugh! I mean, not that I’m saying he should have let him off when he noticed it was his birthday, but how about not mentioning it at all, instead of rubbing it in that you picked the worst day to give someone a ticket?

  • My Lord, what an assy weekend. Sorry for that. I hope you are at least feeling better.

    I, too, had an “experience” with a lovely Mt. Lebanon cop when I used to work at South Hills Village. I won’t elaborate, but I hope he receives a painful case of genital warts post-haste.

    AND I would also like to wish a painful STD on the person who once hacked into our bank account and purchased a very expensive airplane ticket. The bank was great and resolved the issue quickly, but I was hoping they would take the ticket number and track down that cheating, stealing asshole and nail his nuts to the wall.

  • Alaina

    I do NOT know what it is about Mt. Lebanon! My boyfriend parked at one of their meters a couple months ago, and definitely put enough money in it…and STILL got a ticket. He went to the municipal building and paid the $6 ticket, but complained to whomever that he shouldn’t have received the ticket in the first place. Two weeks later, someone calls the house asking him why he hasn’t paid his ticket yet, and a week after that, he gets $6 cash in the mail. they’re all jacked up over there.

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