I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

insert throaty noises here

I feel kind of stupid mentioning how tired I am today when my dad underwent a six-hour surgery yesterday and had parts of his body removed, but I am tired.

I just talked to my dad a little bit ago. He’s on morphine, which is only kind of helping with the pain. The doctors have to hear back from pathology before they can tell us more, though they think he will need at least a little bit of chemotherapy.

I was at the hospital for about 12 hours yesterday, most of that spent in the waiting room watching soap operas and Oprah and the news and one of those dancing competition shows and Inside Edition and the news, all of which shared the screen with scrolling updates of the patients. I’m not sure how I got it in my head that his operation would only take an hour or two. That was stupid of me.

I did get some quality people-watching in, though it was obviously much more introspective and somber than my normal variety. A number of families were there waiting for loved ones who were also having cancer surgeries and throughout my long day there I got to hear the nurse on duty talk with each of them.

“He has a great family that cares about him. That’s 90% of the battle right there. Just take one day at a time.”

“He has a great family that cares about him. That’s 90% of the battle right there. Just take one day at a time.”

“She has a great family that cares about her. That’s 90% of the battle right there. Just take one day at a time.”

I began to dread hearing those words, especially since it was possible that she would rattle off her Yogi Berra/AA-hybrid speech to me, and especially since the cloud of that speech always settled like a hard mist on a family in shock. Newly devastated. Terrified.

I didn’t get to see my dad after surgery. He was in the recovery room for several hours while the nurses tried to get his pain under control. The husband and the baby had come after school and the baby needed to go to bed. I was feeling really raw this morning and flinched whenever someone spoke to me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at work, since it all seemed especially meaningless and stupid.

About a day after I found out about my dad’s cancer, one of the guys in my grad program found out that his mom has cancer. Her prognosis is very grim, though, so I guess in the sick arena of My Parent Has Cancer, I win this round. He and I have been checking in on each other, though. Sitting next to each other class. I keep wanting to ask him if he feels since the same disconnect that I do when our classmates joke with each other. It seems weird that this whole thing doesn’t make me feel completely vulnerable and childlike. I just want him to be okay.

Anyway. Onward. Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and encouragement yesterday. My dad has a lot of people rallying around him, but every positive thought helps.

4 comments to insert throaty noises here

  • missy

    I thought about you all day. I hope you’re being taken good care of.. and that your blankets are double snuggly and that there’s plenty of food around. I wish food on you. :)

    Keep some bitches posted..

  • I’m pulling for your dad, and for you. It feels like a Bizarro world when your strong dad is so vulnerable, doesn’t it?

    Hope you get some rest. xo

  • Rachel

    Good luck to you and your father. I know the scary cancer thing, my dad had prostate cancer a few years back, but it was an extremely slow growing kind and surgery was all that was required. His PSAs are still zero at this time… so he’s seemingly ok.

    Hang in there.

  • Hang in there. It’s always so tough when you have to see your parents really sick or weak. Take it easy on yourself.

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