I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

do i frighten you? do you want me to?

It is really disheartening to go to the “dashboard” and see that I have 20 drafts just sitting there, all unfinished and sad. Busy time of the semester. This week in particular is nutty. It’s crazy time at my job, I have a test tomorrow, and a small article for AP to write. The article’s due on Thursday and I’ve done nothing for it. I rule.

Anyway, everything needs to wait because I need to tell you about my Saturday night. We went to see Louis CK in Greensburg. It was an odd location, but close enough that the audience seemed to be made up mostly of people from Pittsburgh.

While we were waiting for the opener, Todd Barry, to come on, the yinzer behind us was trying to wrap up her phone call. The lights went down and everyone got quiet, and she chose that moment to say/yell, “AWRIGHT, DAW-NUUUH!” (Translation: Alright, Donna!) So, that sort of set the tone for the evening. Barry came out and near the beginning of his set mentioned that nearly every show he plays, there’s some “incident” with one of the audience members and joked that he calls ahead and arranges for hecklers and/or obnoxious drunk people to be in the audience.

As if on cue, a large drunk man sat down about five rows back and would not shut the hell up. Barry would tell a joke, the audience would laugh, and as soon as the laughter would die down, this guy would interject, “I’M FUCKIN’ WAAAAASTED!” Shortly after that, the usher came up to our row and asked to see our tickets and then the tickets of the people sitting next to us…and the tickets of the people sitting next to them. “When people buy the tickets from The Online,” she explained, “there’s duplicates.” So…like…what the fuck are we supposed to do about that 10 minutes after the show begins?

She tried to move some people around, at one point asking a wheelchair-bound man move from his aisle seat, forcing him to hop on his butt five seats over to accommodate some other people when those latecomers could have just sat somewhere else in that row. Barry noticed this, smirked, and said, “What’s the conflict?” We all started giggling and the usher just kept on asking for tickets and studying them. “Is he the main act?” she asked the husband. “Uh, no, but he’s staring at you,” he replied. She finally left and Barry joked that she was an improv actress from New York.

Louis CK was, of course, amazing. But…okay…so, I stood in line after the show to buy a CD from Barry and noticed that Louis was standing at the end of the table. I was going to meet him.

Living in Pittsburgh, I don’t meet many celebrities, and honestly there are very few famous people that I would meet who would actually render me incoherent. Turns out, Louis CK is one of those people.

Knowing that I was just a few feet away from one of my favorite comedians apparently had an effect on me. I congratulated Barry on a great show and told him that I saw him last year when he toured with Louis. “I hadn’t heard of you but you’re really funny!” I blurted. “Um, I meant that as a compliment, even though it came out kind of backhanded,” I explained. “Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it!” said Barry, who seemed surprisingly sweet.

I started sweating and waiting for the guy with the long, stringy hair and the Slipknot tshirt to finish getting his picture taken with Louis. I didn’t really think about what I was going to say and by the time I baby-stepped up to Louis, shook his hand, and said, “Um, hi!” more drunk people were filing out and interrupting me to punch Louis on his arm and slur, “YER HILAAAAARRIOUS DUDE!” So, you know, I couldn’t do that well with the thinking and the putting words together and stuff.

“Great show! Just great!”
“Oh, thank you!” He was shorter than I expected and had a really nice smile.
“I have to tell you that I just love Lucky Louie and it still stings me that they canceled it,”
“Oh, yeah…” *enter drunk dude #1*
“Um, so, I mean…it’s…it’s…it’s scary–” *enter drunk dude #2* “Um, it’s really kind of scary how much your comedy speaks to me.”
“Oh. Hehe. Really?”
“Yeah, like, how you kind of hate everyone. I mean–I’m sure you’re very nice in real life–” *enter drunk dude #3* “You’re just…like…you’re like the male equivalent of me!”
“Oh! Well…thank you! (???)”
“And, um, I saw you last year when you were in Pittsburgh and you were awesome and I will totally come see you any time you’re in town.”
“Okay, great! Thanks so much!”

He was perfectly gracious, but I was pretty sure I caught a flash of concern go across his face when I started getting all Annie Wilkes on him. “You dirty bird! You wouldn’t let Lucy out of the cock-a-doodie closet! I SAW YOU LAST YEAR, MR. MAN!”

On our way home, I mentioned to the husband that I was sad to learn that Louis and his wife had divorced and the husband said that he always jokes about not getting girls and being single as a 41-year-old dad who had let himself go. “He’s famous and he’s funny. I bet he gets laid every night.”

I thought back a few minutes to my stammering dedication and the amused look on Louis’ face and started blushing even harder.

Jesus. Did he maybe think I was offering him a piece of this ass? And if so…did he just turn me down?

I started to get angry. “I’m 30 but he’s 41! That’s totally scoring for a 41-year-old! And we both have red hair! And I looked cute tonight! And I told him he’s my male equivalent! Well, besides the husband. WHY DOESN’T THAT ASSHOLE WANT TO HAVE ANONYMOUS FANGIRL SEX WITH ME?” I fumed about his rejection until about 1 a.m. when finally the rational part of my brain woke up and reminded me that I am completely insane.

4 comments to do i frighten you? do you want me to?

Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>