I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

i haven’t left the house without lycra on these thighs since i was fourteen.

I was thinking about Steel Magnolias when I was in the bathroom earlier. I generally dislike stereotypical “chick flicks,” but I fucking LOVE Steel Magnolias. It’s the dialogue. And I know I sound like a dude who reads Playboy for the articles, but it’s seriously one of the most quotable pieces of work ever. And, yeah, if I’m feeling emotionally paralyzed, I just need to watch Sally Field’s histrionics and the pent up shit flows out of me. It’s like an enema for bitches who hate…aka Yours Truly.

When our house got broken into last year, Steel Magnolias was one of the movies the dude stole. When we hunted our DVD collection down, we kept having conversations like, “Okay, so we have A Clockwork Orange, Dr. Strangelove, the Tool boxed set, Unbreakable, Kill Bill…and Steel Magnolias?” And I would be like, “Oh my god! What? I have one estrogen indulgence and it’s a huge deal. Fuck off and give me my Ouiser before I cut you.”

Anyway, I thought about Steel Magnolias because I’m wearing tights today and faux-Spanx on top of that because I hate when the waistband of tights rolls down. Like, nails-on-a-chalkboard hate. So I’m extremely…held in today and it was making me think I should just say, “Fuck it,” and start wearing a girdle and then I started thinking about, “It looks like two pigs…fightin’ under a blanket.” And laughing. In the bathroom. To myself.

So there’s a disturbing little walk through my thought process for you.

But while I’m thinking about it, you know who can shut it down? Grown women who still pull that, “Oh, I’m having a second piece of pizza. I’m a pig. Oh, I’m so fat. Oh, I’ll just have some lettuce,” fishing for validation bullshit. I can understand some young chicks being insecure, but my god. If you’re looking at the other side of, say, 30 and you’re still talking like that, go to therapy. Or at the very least do not say that shit to me. I spent many hours of my formative years in a dressing room at a ballet school. I have seen and heard some psychotic shit and behaved that way myself. It sucks. I don’t think that you have an “appropriate” amount of self-hate, I think you’re acting like you’re insecure and want me to fix it. EAT YOUR PIZZA AND OWN IT.

12 comments to i haven’t left the house without lycra on these thighs since i was fourteen.

  • NGS

    That is the most brilliant suggestion ever!! I had almost given up hope that I could ever wear my favorite sweater tights again since the elastic has deteriorated in the waistband, but now I know!! Brilliant!

  • Jess

    Help! My boyfriend turns 30 next week and he is from Pittsburgh. We moved to Baltimore about 3 years ago and he’s pretty homesick. I was wondering if you knew any sites where you can buy black and white photographs of Pittsburgh. I thought that would be a fun present. Thanks!

  • Um, I just renamed my LJ friends page Steel Magnolias and my page was retitled “I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free:
    The 21st century’s Ouiser Boudreaux.”

    And HELLS YES on the last paragraph. You don’t need to tell me twice.

  • It’s like you’re in my head. I’m wearing pantyhose (ACTUAL FUCKING PANTYHOSE!) for the first time in like 5 years. Seriously. Someone died and there are calling hours tonight and I haven’t done laundry in about 3 weeks and it’s too cold not to wear anything under my skirt and I found one lone pair of clean pantyhose from, perhaps, 1983. I rolled them, I gently inserted my feet, I got them up to my thighs and thought, “Crap. I better pee now because….that might not happen again today.”

    Lesson for the day: NO MORE SAUSAGE HOSE! EVER!

  • Seriously, that movie is my go-to movie when I need a good emotional release. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!

  • Personal favorite Steel Magnolias quote: The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

  • i don’t have much along the lines of contribution to the Steel Magnolias or tights portions of this post…BUT….

    Once a week or so (maybe more), if you’re in the bathroom, and something from a movie/tv show/stand up comic pops into your head and you DON’T laugh to yourself…you have issues.

  • Cat

    I had pizza for lunch – and I’m proud!

    Also, I’ve started watching Steel Magnolia’s at least 4 times (including Sunday) and I just can’t get past the part where Dolly hires the new girl. Like, the first 10 minutes of the movie! Tell me it gets better? I WANT to want to watch it.

  • I can’t comment on the tights issue, but I love your movie collection. A Clockwork Orange? Dr Strangelove? Love them.

  • No one ever gets it when I say “You are too twisted for color tv!”, and I spent a lot of time while I was planning my wedding muttering “My colors are blush and bashful” while giggling to myself. And yet, I hate chick flicks so very much…

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