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I Read A Lot of Internets

sit there and count your little fingers

Semi-dark days at the moment. While managing to dodge most of the ill effects of the crippled economy over the past year, our little family finds ourselves staring it in the face. It is definitely Goliath and we are definitely David.

We’re still afloat for now, but both of our student loans are coming due. Mine is due now because I chose to take only one class this semester, hoping to maintain some sanity that is so hard to find when I take two classes.

Trying to find jobs when there are simply none to be had is incredibly demoralizing. We keep feeling embarrassed and remorseful for taking the risk of getting degrees, which, I know, is a shitty attitude to have.

I’m pushing my feelings of indignation aside (we did everything that we were supposed to do. we worked hard. we sacrificed. we put in a lot of extra effort. we fucking bootstrapped, for god’s sake. and because some flunkie MBAs had their frat brothers hook them up with jobs, the economy is wheezing along and despite having three excellent degrees between us, we struggle.), for they help no one and only serve to give me some much-needed outbursts from time to time.

No one owes me a thing.

I am alive. The food that I ate today was nourishing and delicious. My family, both the members that I have blood ties to and the people that I choose to call my family, is amazing and full of love. I am not alone. I will wake up again tomorrow and fight and serve another day.

7 comments to sit there and count your little fingers

  • I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. We found ourselves in the same position two years ago. Two things helped me – counting my blessings every day, like you have. And remembering that everything and every situation is temporary. You guys will get past this and come out better on the other side!

  • My student loans have been “due” for almost ten years now. I simply fill out my deferment paper work once a year. When I finally get a dime, I’ll pass it along to them. Of course, those are government loans. Not all lending institutions are as generous as that.

    Things will get better. They have to.

  • Baltimoregal

    I get really frustrated too. I spend half my paycheck every month on student loans and credit card debt that I amassed while I was going to school.

    I try to keep telling myself that it’s about the big picture, not the current sacrifices. But it is hard sometimes.

  • have been there. we cut, and cut and cut some more. it comes in waves. thinking of you.

  • I am good with the loans until 2011, just finished dream journalism masters with hopes of switching paths (and yes, I’ve watched the news. ;))…back at work with a decent salary (less so with suburban DC rents, yes) but it never feels like enough. I am still scraping, trying to get even, praying to be able to buy through some miracle before I go through another year of leasing or roommate experience from hell.

    This is some of the hardest shit in the world for me to talk about and I am so glad you shared it here. I drive myself nuts with this, NUTS, no lie. I sucked it up and went to a housing fair last weekend, let this strange person go through my credit report in a community center, laid it bare. I don’t know what will happen, but I know I took a step and that is better than not opening my mail or answering the phone. Still, so hard. Bottom line, we are safe, we are fed, we are alive, we are loved, yet this can make me feel more vulnerable than anything else I face. Guess we just keep keeping on?

  • Love you, lady. If only love was hard currency. I’m thinking about you.

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