I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

milk and honey and whatever

This morning, I was feeling good, and I was all set to write this post about how I’ve been working hard on my outlook on life and our prospects for not being over-educated and destitute. But then, my mood changed again to angrily sad and foot-stompy. It might have something to do with the rain, but I think that’s just how it’s going to be for awhile, until things have the slightest hint of being less precarious.

Seeing as how I’m so mercurial, I’m going to resort to my favorite and most immature coping mechanism: making fun of people.

So, we have a Snuggie. I think it’s awesome and I’ve publicly ranted AGAINST haters-of-Snuggies before. The husband’s grandmother gave it to him for Christmas last year and he has staunchly resisted it, since he is a hater. I just don’t get it. The thing is super warm and comfortable and I’m pretty sure that there is Ambien woven into the unnatural fibers because as soon as I put it on, I am OUT within five minutes. If you have insomnia, I highly recommend picking one up.

Anyway, the husband finally started using the Snuggie a few weeks ago…but only as a blanket. As in, he’s refusing to use the sleeves, which is the whole fucking point of the thing. This infuriates me, because I had been happily using the Snuggie to its full capacity for nearly a year and now this dude comes along and claims it and doesn’t even use it correctly. He just sits there, with his arms getting cold every time he wants to change the channel, mocking me with his blatant abuse of the Snuggie, while I tug at an inadequate, regular blanket.

I’m not sure that our marriage will weather this storm.

The other people that I want to make fun of are the pro-life cupcake folks.

Now, I think if you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m very pro-choice. And that includes respecting people who choose not to have abortions for whatever reason. And I think if you’ve ever talked to me about the matter, you’ll know that I have a characteristically snarky attitude about the “debate,” because I think it’s dumb.

Anyway, I recently encountered the pro-life cupcake people, who were, I think, an off-shoot of the group who organized National Pro-Life Cupcake Day. The official day for this event was October 9th, but the group notes that you can have such an event whenever.

And the premise is to hand out free cupcakes to people, noting that baked goods represent the 50,000,000 babies who were aborted and the birthday parties that those kids never had.

So. Okay, fine. Whatever.

However, I have some questions about the logic behind this event. If you’re going for some kind of shock factor, and according to these folks, the goal is for “the cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber,” are cupcakes really the best way to go about it? I mean, cupcakes are pretty good, even at their worst, and I kind of doubt that reminding people of the fact that abortion exists will turn them off of cupcakes forever. And if they do, isn’t that kind of unfair to cupcakes? I mean, why drag cupcakes into this debate? They never hurt anyone. And if a person is so turned off mid-cupcake and isn’t able to finish their cupcake, isn’t that just a lot of wasted food? Food that could be donated to hungry, existing kids?

Also, if you keep handing out cupcakes as long as people keep having abortions, I think you’re sort of…doing it wrong. Because, really, if I wasn’t pro-choice before, drawing the connection that abortion = free cupcakes would sure as hell push me over to that side.

Ah, well. Road to hell and all of that.

Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be sitting on my couch, not in a Snuggie, and making inappropriate jokes all weekend log.

10 comments to milk and honey and whatever

  • Andy Stowell

    Should you point out that cupcakes are made with eggs, which themselves were potentially baby chickens that we are chowin down on?

    [also the now have Snuggies out with STEELER logos on them. Saw them at Giant Eagle last week…]

  • Rob

    Birds don’t have to have sex to lay eggs.

    Most eggs purchased at the store are unfertilized. The chicken could have sat on them, they could have been put in an incubator, heck–you could sit on them!–and they would never hatch.

    Parthenogenesis, where an egg self-fertilizes is rare to non-existent, even in turkeys (no matter what they thought in the late ’70s). Fertilized eggs are available, especially in some specialty and health-food stores, but they’re far from common and expensive.

    Some lizards reproduce asexually (no male lizards in that species) but most places don’t sell lizard eggs and I have no idea how to adapt cupcake recipes for lizard eggs instead of chicken eggs.

  • Rob

    Well, if you want to get technical, we are the diploid humans. Sperm and eggs are humans, too, just the haploid generation. There are organisms where the haploid generation is dominant and organisms where haploid and diploid are pretty much the same size and lifespan.

  • I love any post that leads to Monty Python quotes in the comments, especially that one.

  • kent williams

    I think those each of those Pro-Life cupcakes should have a delicious frosting fetus on top!

  • Kirsten

    I think the prolife cupcakes should have carrot jockeys a la CakeWrecks on top!

  • Kim

    My husband has been taunting me for about a year with regard to me dying to become the proud owner of a Snuggie. I’m now actually thankful I waited, what with all the different color and pattern choices that are out there now. And this post made me angry-by-proxy because I could see him doing the same thing – taking it over yet not using the sleeves. Asshole.
    I wonder what that says about me I got more fired up over that than abortion cupcakes. My priorities might need to be looked at. One of these days.

  • Sara G.

    Abortion = free cupcakes. I love your blog more with each entry, Diddy.

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