for my son, as you become a man

Blue

You are still a little boy and we’ve only begun to really talk about all of the weird and wonderful things that there are to know in life. I think you’re doing an excellent job of understanding as best you can, though, and I think you realize that I only understand things a little bit better than you do.

We’ve also been talking a little bit about the bad things in life, about violence and poverty and things like that. These are even harder to understand and you can’t begin to imagine how nervous I am about being the person to explain them to you.

But it is my job, my duty, to do my best, to open the channels of dialog with you, to allow you to ask questions, to be honest about not having all of the answers, and to ask you questions to better understand your perspective on things.

One of the most puzzling aspects of humanity is gender and power and how people of different genders interact with each other. There are boys and there are girls and there are lots of people who are in between. Do you remember when we were talking about time and how I told you that it was something that humans created to help them make sense of the world? Gender is another one of those things. Boys and girls, at their core, are not fundamentally different creatures. But over many, many years, people sort of assigned roles and behaviors to both sexes. For better or worse, this also helped people to make sense of the world.

I will be perfectly honest with you: if I live to be 1,000 years old, I will never really understand gender. I’m a feminist, and there’s a lot about that that I don’t understand, either. I think you’ll find that, as you become a man, there are a lot of things that you won’t understand, either. And that’s okay.

But let’s agree on this: men and women, whatever their differences, are equal. Throughout history, and even today, people forget this. And when they do, things get very, very ugly.

A few days ago, a young girl went to a dance at her high school. And, like many high school kids, she took the opportunity to do something kind of taboo and drank alcohol with her friends.

What happened next was one of those truly awful things that I don’t know how to explain. My baby, some boys only a few years older than you hurt her very badly. Very badly. They did something called “rape.” Rape is when you have sex with someone even though they don’t want to or aren’t able to tell you whether or not they want to.

We’ve talked about sex a little, about how people have sex because they love each other or really like each other in certain ways or they want to make a baby. Sex is a good thing, a fun thing, a beautiful thing. It’s something that I know you will enjoy very much when you are older and ready to handle it.

Rape is a horrible thing. And what made this rape even more upsetting is that many people who knew this girl watched this happen to her. Many people who knew this girl, who sat next to her in class, decided to join in. Many people, who were perhaps this girl’s neighbors, took pictures. Many people could have stopped her from being hurt so badly.

None of them did.

It may seem silly to tell you that there are some things that you must never do. And perhaps the parents of those boys just assumed that they knew better. Or maybe their parents said some mean things about women that led them to believe that hurting girls is not that bad. Or maybe they heard some “logic” that some girls “ask for it.”

Son, you must never, NEVER, rape someone. It is never okay. If you are ever uncertain about whether or not the person you are with wants to have sex with you, you must stop. If you are ever in a situation like those boys were and you see someone being hurt in such a way, you must do what you can to make it stop. Even if you’re scared, even if it means that you’ll lose some friends.

You will hear a lot of, “Well, yeah, but…” conversations about these matters. You will hear a lot about what people should do to avoid being raped. These are certainly good pieces of advice. However, very rarely will you hear advice about what people can do to avoid being rapists.

As your mother, and as a woman, I am here to tell you that it is never okay to rape someone and I don’t care what the circumstances are. I don’t care if there’s a dark, unsafe area. I don’t care if there’s alcohol or drugs involved. I don’t care if there are skimpy clothes or suggestive dancing. I don’t even care if sex is already happening and someone changes their mind.

Just as I would tell you that you must never hit someone (unless, you know, there’s a dire need to do and we’ll discuss that, too), and that you must never kill someone, and that you must never treat someone poorly, you must never rape. Never.

I don’t know how these things happen, and I don’t know what was going through the minds of those boys that night, but I’m willing to bet that no one ever really told them that it was never okay to rape, that no one told them that it was never okay to stand by and watch someone be hurt so badly.

I am telling you that it’s not.

And for as long as I have words to share with you, I am always here to talk to you about it.

23 Responses to “for my son, as you become a man”

  1. elfini (Dawn B) Says:

    wow. Well said. And apparently it needs to be said alot more often. I hadn’t heard about this incident and am sicken that people came to watch and take pictures. My head is just kinda spinning right now. I hope you don’t mind if I share this with my son.

  2. kdiddy Says:

    @elfini (Dawn B), share away! just as we have to teach our girls to look out for themselves, we have to teach our boys, too.

  3. Gjerninger Says:

    As a woman, a daughter and a future mother of future sons and daughters, thank you. I wish more mothers of sons were like you.

  4. kdiddy Says:

    @Gjerninger, thank you.

  5. Whitney Says:

    This is stated so beautifully.

  6. kdiddy Says:

    @Whitney, thank you.

  7. Angela Says:

    Mama, the fact that you are raising a man makes me feel like the world is that much safer, that much gentler, that much better for the woman I am raising. And for me. I am proud of you and Mr. Diddy and the baby for being the kind of family you are. <3

  8. kdiddy Says:

    @Angela, thank you, mama. In the face of such ugliness, we can only turn to the beauty in front of us.

  9. Sara Says:

    I loved reading this. I often wonder if anyone ever talks to their boys about rape… it seems like there is a lot of talk to girls about how to protect themselves, but none of the reverse. Do you mind if I link to your post?

  10. kdiddy Says:

    @Sara, not at all. link away! this is one thing that I’ve written that I would really like as many people as possible to read and consider.

  11. red pen mama Says:

    Sometimes things need to be stated so baldly. Thank you for being brave enough to do that. We can’t assume our children know these things. Pretending doesn’t protect them.

    ciao,
    rpm

  12. Kizz Says:

    “very rarely will you hear advice about what people can do to avoid being rapists” why not we’ll never know, I guess. Thank you for getting that important ball rolling.

  13. Rape Is Never Okay « Not Like Texas Says:

    […] rape is never okay. Being a facilitator or a bystander to rape is not okay. Kdiddy’s post about this topic says it all better than I ever could. Please go read […]

  14. The Point Says:

    I’m heartbroken over the incident that forced you to think about it, but I thank you for this post.

  15. Toysoldier Says:

    I hope in your effort to inform your son about rape that you also tell him that it is equally not okay, equally not excusable and equally horrific for girls or women to rape boys or men, and also that you warn him that he, despite being a boy, in no way deserves to be raped by a woman or a man.

  16. brandi Says:

    man, what a horrible, terrible thing to have happen, but thank you so much for writing this. i hope other mothers are having these conversations with their sons, too.

  17. miep Says:

    sara linked here, and my eyes teared up as I read this post. I’m nursing my baby son as I type, and I thank you for the bottom of my heart for having this talk with your son and for reminding me that I must do the same.

  18. Joe Says:

    Outstanding – absolutely outstanding. What a wonderful, beautiful, caring gift to give your son.

  19. Christy Anthony Says:

    Thank you. I think so often women see the awesome responsibility of raising a daughter to value herself as a woman. So important that we also identify the importance of raising a son to value women.

  20. Dustin Says:

    Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this!!! I’ve never thought of having such an explicit discussion with my two sons about this, but after reading this post (linked to from Sara), you can bet I will. Thank you very, very much.

  21. Ms. B Says:

    Hurray for this Mom and other Moms that really sit down and talk to their children!!! Especially the boys! I am a young grandmother and was a very young mom. I was and still am a mom who holds nothing back when it comes to talking to my girls and my boys! Incidents like this happen very often (a nearby school in my area 5 boys (ages 11-13) assaulted a 11 yr. old girl), and the first thing the mother says is “Not my son!”…My question to them is did you ever sit down and really talk to your son? Or did you run to the nearest store, purchase him a video game of extreme violence – trying to win brownie points with him…then later wondering why your kid is in trouble?? Anyway…very good article!!

  22. Sex with Timaree | Dr. Marc Lamont Hill Says:

    […] Talk to your sons and nephews (and cousins, etc) about rape. Tell them from day one that any behavior that treats women degradingly is unacceptable and something men only do when they can’t prove their manliness through any productive means. […]

  23. Meredith Says:

    Wonderfully said.

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