eye cream

Jason stood in front of me, expectantly, as I pondered my purchase. His black jacket was smudged with foundation and he smelled like cigarettes, especially when he leaned in to apply the products that I was sampling.

“I’ll take the primer, the powder, the concealer, the brushes…and the eye cream. I don’t need any moisturizer,” I said, finally.

“Great! Just meet me up at the register and we’ll get you rung up.” Jason had some odd tic where he drew his breath in sharply and quickly through his teeth every few words.

At the counter, I went through the motions of signing up for some loyalty card and dumped the free samples that I’d earned into my purse. I fingered my credit card while Jason totaled my order. I couldn’t afford all of this stuff, but I wanted it.

“Okay, Kelly, that’ll be $115 even,” said Jason cheerily as his eyes darted toward the credit card machine.

My face flushed at the total. I felt shameful about my indulgence. $115 could buy nearly two weeks of groceries. I swallowed and slid my card through the machine and signed my name on the screen as Jason made chit chat with me about my job and my life. My name stared back at me from the oddly soothing light blue screen, choppy, pixelated, and more awkward than my regular signature. It was like a cartoon of commerce.

$115 got me a small bag that barely weighed anything at all. The eye cream was the priciest item. I had asked Jason about the dark, baggy circles under my eyes and had quickly added that I’d always had them, even when I was little. I realized that I always explained this unfortunate feature of mine away before anyone suggested that I was tired, or sad, or stressed out, or melting into the earth, eyes first.

“Well, they’re hereditary,” Jason explained, which instantly made me feel a little better. It wasn’t my fault, you see. The bags weren’t there because I’d only slept a few hours a night for years or because I cried too often about things that I can’t change. “But this cream will keep that area moisturized and minimize the darkness by…” Jason droned on, spouting what I knew was probably pseudo-science dreamed up by the cosmetics industry.

My eye cream. It sounded so grown up. Of the things that I purchased that day a few weeks ago, it would turn out to be the one that I use most often. When the cream dried, it would stiffen slightly, making the skin underneath my eyes feel tighter, making me feel a little bit cured somehow.

I owned eye cream. I was someone who bought a product called, “eye cream.” This spur-of-the-moment purchase at Sephora wasn’t just a 4 ounce pump of white goo but a rite of passage.

* * *

The baby and I squinted in the morning light and I glanced down at him and winked. Up close he looked big, but he would pace a few feet away from me and I couldn’t believe how tiny he still looked.

“You look old,” he said, out of nowhere.

“Well, thanks,” I muttered.

“You do. You look old.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m not saying that to be mean.”

“Thanks.”

“Quit saying, “Thanks,” all sarcastically!”

“Well, what do you want me to say? ‘Yeah, you’re right. I’m old. Think I’ll just croak right here.'”

It wasn’t an angry conversation. I wasn’t even that hurt by his observation. The cracks in the veneer that start to show up on my people my age must look like giant canyons and vast forests of gray hairs. Everything is huge when you’re that little.

14 Responses to “eye cream”

  1. jive turkey Says:

    The only time I ever noticed my parents looking older was when they came to pick me up for Thanksgiving break during my sophomore year of college. I hadn’t seen them in a few months, and when they got out of the car, I had to stop myself from crying because they looked officially Old.

  2. kdiddy Says:

    @jive turkey, I think next April Fool’s, I’ll wake the baby up disguised as an old baba, hairy wart, babushka and all. That’ll teach him.

  3. Morgan Says:

    Did you do it? ^_^

  4. Emily Says:

    This post resonates with me so much. I love the details you choose to fasten onto, and how the two vignettes work together as a comment on this realization of age. But…we’re still not old. Not old.

  5. kdiddy Says:

    @Emily, I know it’s kind of cliche to say that you’re glad to be out of your 20s, but I’m so glad to be out of my 20s.

  6. Emily Says:

    @kdiddy, yes yes, I feel the same way regardless of the cliche-ness of the statement. It’s an odd moment to be saying “whew” about being out of your twenties, but not wanting to be showing signs of age yet either.

  7. Paul J. Taylor Says:

    My wife, a ginger yinzer like yourself, has eyes like that:
    http://flic.kr/p/8CXxvx
    I’ve looked into them every day for almost 15 years now. Home.

  8. kdiddy Says:

    @Paul J. Taylor, aww! that’s lovely, Paul!

  9. flutter Says:

    you are an amazing writer and…totally not the point but I am fairly certain I need you to teach me to grocery shop. I can’t ever get out for under 150 bucks

  10. kdiddy Says:

    @flutter, heh, thanks!

  11. LL Says:

    My 12 year old told me my boobs were falling down. Bitch.

  12. kdiddy Says:

    @LL, the husband wondered, in the nicest way possible, why “[my] stomach is…the way it is,” since I’m working out so much and it’s still so…prominent. I pointed to our son.

  13. Madam Ovary Says:

    Great, great post. And I was guessing Sephora, the one place I shock myself with my willingness to plunk down so much money. Now I am MUCH older than you, but when you pay this all off, check out their “Eye Bright” pencil or their “ooh la lah” concealer. Unlike many beauty products, these things really do make a difference. I go from haggard, boob-sagging (ode to LL), 45 year old mom to potential MILF, provided I wear a really good bra. It seriously gives you that bright eyed and bushy tailed look around the peepers. Glad I stopped by today! Do you read the Pittsburgh Post Gazette? An editor there told me about your blog…

  14. kdiddy Says:

    @Madam Ovary, I will definitely check those out! Thanks for the recommendations. Once I can set foot in Sephora again without my wallet screaming in protest, I’ll put those on my list.

    I do read the PG, though not everyday. Which editor do you know?

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