30 days of truth: day 01

The MamaPop writers are all participating in this writing exercise that’s been making its way around the interwebs. I’d credit the originator of this exercise if I could figure out who it was, but I can’t, so I’m going to go ahead and credit Tom Selleck. Thanks, Tom! The full list of prompts will be at the end of this post if you wish to play along.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Funnily enough, I hate that I hate things about myself.

Well, that might not be the best description.

See, this whole debacle with the economy and the husband not being able to get an electrical engineering job sort of forced me to confront some of these feelings. I remember very clearly rocking the baby to sleep one night when he was still very small and telling him all the things that his dad and I were going to do. “We’re going to finish college and we’re going to get good jobs and we’re going to buy a nice house and have enough money to do the things that we want to do. And MAYBE we’ll get a puppy!”

Having the baby at a somewhat young age and in less than ideal circumstances lit a fire under our butts to be more determined about our future and do right by our kid. Not in any kind of material sense, but just to do everything that we could to make sure that his needs were met and that he wouldn’t be denied too much because he had unprepared parents. We faced a LOT of criticism for having the baby and absorbed many accusations/insinuations that we were cheating him out of a secure life because so much of how we came to be parents did not look good on paper. So we sort of set out to prove everyone wrong, I guess.

So I finished college. I got a job. I worked my butt off to get some promotions so that I could make more money so that I could buy our house. I killed myself through a graduate program so that I could theoretically be more marketable. And the husband finished college. And we pushed and pushed and pushed ahead, our sights always on Someday when things were going to be the way that they were supposed to.

In the meantime, I never considered, or never really believed, that our lives were pretty good, day in and day out. I can see that I was often pushing happiness away because I was mistaking it for complacency and never figured out how to work toward a goal in the future without ignoring my life in the present.

I was telling a confidant a few weeks ago that after a big heart-to-heart with the husband, I realized that I wanted to stop trying to dismiss what I have in favor of something that I perceive as better because none of that is real. My family is what’s real. And I don’t care if we’re a family in a cardboard box in an alley, just as long as we’re together and present every moment that we can be.

I have to remind myself of this a lot. I’m an all-or-nothing perfectionist, which sometimes results in some pretty spectacular things, but most of the time means that I’m disowning who I am because I’m not living up to some arbitrary ideal that I’ve set for myself.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

18 Responses to “30 days of truth: day 01”

  1. Tom Selleck Says:

    This sounds fun. Oh, and you’re welcome. Gotta go caress my moustache, ttyl.

  2. kdiddy Says:

    @Tom Selleck, sounds good. When you’re done caressing, could you talk a little bit about the possibility of a sequel to Three Men and a Little Lady?

  3. Jurgen Nation Says:

    I hate to sound like a cheesy dick, but you’re an inspiration. Dang, kdiddy. I hope you allow yourself to feel some fierce – Ru Paul Drag Race fierceness – about your accomplishments, because they are many and they’re certainly not small.

  4. kdiddy Says:

    @Jurgen Nation, thanks, doll. For that sweet comment, I will forgive you for stringing together the words “cheesy” and “dick.” 😉

  5. TwoBusy Says:

    Great, great, great way to address that question. “I was often pushing happiness away because I was mistaking it for complacency and never figured out how to work toward a goal in the future without ignoring my life in the present.” — LOVE the perspective in that.

  6. kdiddy Says:

    @TwoBusy, thanks, man! It’s something I have to remind myself of ALL the time because it’s so easy to forget.

  7. sweetney Says:

    You are beautiful and perfect just as you are. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s okay that it isn’t perfect. And, not to sound like a stupid Billy Joel song, but goddamn woman, you’re one of the most talented women I know, and definitely the funniest. I’m grateful to know you and call you my BFF. xoxo

  8. kdiddy Says:

    @sweetney, aw, shucks. thanks, love. *sniff*

  9. jess Says:

    aw, dang it. now i want to do 30 days of truth. how is this going to balance with my newfound need for long breaks from the internet? i’m blaming you.

    for what it’s worth, i have always consider you to be an inspiration exactly how you are, not how you thought you might end up.

  10. kdiddy Says:

    @jess, well, I’m not doing the 30 days consecutively, so feel free to adapt it to your schedule, too.

    And thanks. I think you’re pretty rad, too. 🙂

  11. 30 Days of Truth: Day 01 « Darcepedia Says:

    […] was reading kdiddy’s post on this today, and it inspired me to just start typing. One of my biggest challenges is if I […]

  12. LL Says:

    OOOH, I am so going to do this. But with pictures.:)

  13. kdiddy Says:

    @LL, ooh neat!

  14. flutter Says:

    I also hate that you hate things about you, because I like so much about you

  15. kdiddy Says:

    @flutter, shucks. thanks. 🙂

  16. the truth: day 1 « laborious living Says:

    […] I need to stir up some creativity round this joint. Starting with this. […]

  17. Gaby Says:

    That last paragraph? Yes. Just yes.

  18. kdiddy Says:

    @Gaby, then I start beating myself up for not being easier on myself. MY IMPERFECTION MUST BE PERFECT. I frustrate myself.

Leave a Reply