cool bike

I had a not-so-great evening last night. I was in a really bad mood after work and started babbling to the husband about the various Dark Things that I was thinking.

“I feel like I managed to screw up my life without actually doing anything wrong or bad.”

I used to feel this way all the time but I’ve been trying to just push it back and away because it doesn’t help anything. I think it bubbled up because I haven’t been running in about three weeks (no real good excuse…got sick and work’s been CRAZY). But after ranting for awhile I settled down. We headed to our neighborhood and visited with the husband’s grandmother, home tonight after a very rough two weeks in the hospital. Perspective: gulped down like the big ol’ pill that it is.

We trudged to our house, hungry, and I became pretty angry with the baby for not completing his homework at his after school program. If he waits until we get home, he’s always too tired and what should be 20 minutes of work turns into 3 hours. While he looked for excuses to dawdle around his math problems, I picked up a piece of homework that he had finished: a worksheet asking him to study some greeting cards and deduce what the greetings inside might be.

I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I could barely breathe. Tears rolled down my face. I shared the greeting cards with the husband and he cracked up, too.

We seem to be raising some kind of accidental greeting card genius. If I were someecards, I would be very scared right now.

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It starts off innocently enough with, “Hope you get well,” but then we move into the cool, detached world of new baby joy with, “Your baby is looking well.”

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There’s another basic greeting of, “Congratulations on getting married,” but then there are those other two.

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Every time I look at this, I lose it. If I don’t get this card for my birthday this year, I’m going to be pissed.

The baby was surprised that we found them funny, but was pleased to have made us laugh. Of course, after that happy moment, he continued to stall on his homework, which pissed everyone off. Whatever. Cool bike.

24 Responses to “cool bike”

  1. Avitable Says:

    Hallmark totally needs to start a “Cool Bike” line.

  2. kdiddy Says:

    Seriously.

  3. TwoBusy Says:

    “Your baby is looking well” is a genius indicator of what should be an entire series of cards from Deadly WASP Greetings.

  4. kdiddy Says:

    I know. It’s so…snooty and Lucille Bluth. Amazing.

  5. charlie Says:

    i want the “you are a good cook” like a biker patch on the back of my chef’s whites.

  6. kdiddy Says:

    That would be bad-ass.

  7. jess Says:

    OMG I love when kids do homework like this and we get a little glimpse into their true genius selves. Our kid recently gave a presentation on heroin for health class that was off the hook hilarious, seriously. and I’m not just saying that because I’m a parent. It include M@rth@ Stewar+’s “secret recipe” for how to cut heroin.

    I want a “cool bike” card right now, to tuck into the handlebars of every cool bike I see around town. Do you think I have to pay the baby some royalties if I make one?

  8. kdiddy Says:

    “It include M@rth@ Stewar+’s “secret recipe” for how to cut heroin.”
    Man, you know Martha tore it UP while she was inside. I bet she made that toilet wine like nobody’s business.
    I really like the idea of someone getting or having a cool bike being a Hallmark occasion. Communication is too detached. Time to get SPECIFIC.

  9. Jo Says:

    This had me laughing out loud. So funny. It should go in the sympathy section at the card store. Definitely cheered me up.

  10. kdiddy Says:

    Me, too. It was such an unexpected pick-me-up.

  11. annElise Says:

    “Cool bike” had me giggling out loud in the library. I also love it because I think it’s probably the most genuine of all of them!

  12. kdiddy Says:

    Cool bike has become a catch phrase around here and it’s surprisingly versatile.

  13. alaina Says:

    I’m loling so hard right now.

  14. kdiddy Says:

    It’s been days and we’re still giggling over it.

  15. Rachel Cicci Says:

    Oh, I think the baby one is the funniest of them all!

  16. kdiddy Says:

    heh, thanks!

  17. Sara Says:

    Oh my God… I pissed myself over “Your baby is looking well”. What a cool customer!

  18. kdiddy Says:

    It recalled this time a few years ago when he met my co-worker’s son, who was pretty small at the time, and said to her, “Nice baby.”

  19. Sara Says:

    Also: I just realized how ominous “Hope you get well” sounds. The other option is clearly death.

  20. kdiddy Says:

    Ha! You’re so right. I didn’t notice that at first.

  21. Allison Says:

    Oh my god, amazing. “Your baby is looking well” may be the best new baby card idea EVER.

  22. kdiddy Says:

    Agreed. If he were more sophisticated, I imagine he would have come up something even more hilarious, like, “Congratulations on your high APGAR scores.”

  23. jive turkey Says:

    While I love “cool bike” (which I imagine to be said in the same tone used by my older sister when she would mock me for something that was, like, TOTALLY not cool), I think my favorite is “Your baby is looking well.” MY GOD, the DAGGERS in that simple sentence. I love it.

  24. kdiddy Says:

    It’s impossible to say it without turning up your nose.

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