I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

fighting with myself

So, physical therapy for my neck is going alright, I suppose. The heat, stim, ultrasound, and massage are wonderful and give me so much relief from the discomfort. And I’ve noticed that I’m getting a tiny bit of energy back. One of the therapists that I had on Tuesday was a year into recovery from herniated discs in her back, so it was really nice to trade stories with her and know that nothing that I’m experiencing is at all out of the ordinary.

I am a little concerned about my nerves, since the numbness in my left hand hasn’t gone away at all and at times seems to be getting worse. I still have tingling from time to time and it’s just kind of like having pins and needles constantly.

I go back to the neurosurgeon on the 9th to check on my progress and I guess I’m worried that I’m not making progress. But the therapist who had herniated discs did tell me that it does take a while to really get better.

I’m supplementing my therapeutic exercises with regular exercise, squeezing in a trip to the gym when I can. (I got to physical therapy 3 times a week during work hours, so I can only go to the gym on days that I don’t have PT.) Yesterday I took yoga and for the most part it felt fine. The only real modification I had to make was not doing the back bend, since the possibility of struggling to get or stay up with my weaker arm and then landing on my head was too high. Of course, during some twisty triangle pose, my left hamstring went, “Ahem.” I think because my left side is all tight and scrunched up from trying to protect my neck. I’d really like my body to quit falling apart.

Another side effect of this whole thing has been the emotional aspect. I’m not in severe pain all the time, so I get impatient with myself and want to just do everything that I’m used to doing. Then when I do that, my body is immediately like, “What the hell were you thinking?” And that bums me out because I feel like I’m old and decrepit already. And then I eat crap because I have poor coping mechanisms sometimes. And then I gain weight and feel like even a bigger piece of shit.

Frank posted this picture from Belvedere’s and I know that the only thing that I should see in it is how much fun everyone is having.

That's me in the green dress in the lower left

But the main thing that I see is how heavy I am and I get furious with myself.

I know it’s not permanent. I’m just really annoyed with my body for not acting the way I think it should, you know?

2 comments to fighting with myself

  • I feel you. And girl, you’re gorgeous, always. Let your body heal. There will be time to whip it back into the shape you want. Be gentle with it in the meantime though. xoxo

  • Everything Tracey said. But I know I’d be just as anxious and frustrated if I were in your shoes, because I become INFURIATED when my body has the balls to become injured/dares to function differently than it did when I was 20. It occurred to me the other day just HOW MUCH dumb crap my body does wrong these days, and I’m only in my mid-30s. Also, I am starting to develop a weird waddly piece of skin where my neck meets my chin and this shit is NOT COOL. I’m going to have a vag-neck by age 40.

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