I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

ridin' derpy

I haven’t posted much about our kitten, Florian, because a) I don’t post that much, period (I got bills to pay, son) and b) of the many things on my bucket list, “Morph into a cat blogger” is not one of them. Other peoples’ cats are, I think, even less interesting than other peoples’ kids. But if we’re going to start stacking uninteresting things against each other, the internet will fold in on itself. (Read: there’s a lot of subjective joy to be had here. Find what you like and ignore the rest.)

I have to say, though, that this kitten is remarkably goofy. I don’t know if that’s common of all kittens or if he spent his brief time in the shelter huffing glue. He sleeps on my neck. He attacks his own tail. He tries to kill his dry cat food. He randomly starts fights with Greedo, who regularly sports an expression of withered annoyance when interacting with his younger brother. He gets his nose all up in Greedo’s butt, then emerges with this disgusted snarl on his face, like he can’t believe someone’s anus can smell so bad.

Florian regularly acts like such a fool, we’ve started calling him Derp, as in:

It's another piece of inexplicable internet humor. Don't ask me to explain why it's funny. It just is.

He’s just not clear on what his killer instincts are telling him to do, which results in the tail-chasing and the dry-cat-food-killing. He’s also not sure what the hell to do about sunlight. It creeps into the house at weird angles through the windows and then it just SITS there, which just bugs him out. He reminds me so much of Simple Dog from Hyperbole and a Half.

Recently, he noticed that there are little motes of dust that float in through the beams of sunlight and this has pissed him off greatly. His quest to KILL ALL THE DUST has had some unfortunate results, like this morning when he attempted to jump on top of our dresser, only to not quite make it high enough. He bounced off of the dresser, which sent him backwards. He grabbed a few of my necklaces and earrings to keep him company on the way down.

This is him this morning, sizing up the sun and the dust before retreating, at which point his tail scares the shit out of him. The glance at my slovenly bedroom is a bonus.

2 comments to ridin’ derpy

  • I have a cat that loves to play ding-dong-ditch. She’s an outdoor kitty by day, snugglebug by night. When Polly wants to come in, she’s very vocal and leads you to believe that opening the screen door will result in her actually walking back into the house, but really she just looks at you like, “What the hell are you doing here?” and takes off in the opposite direction. It really pisses me off yet she’s the one turning me into a “cat person”. Cats make me laugh but they still drive me nuts!

  • Cristin

    If someone doesn’t find Derp funny, then they probably cannot be friends with me. And they’re probably Republican.
    I have adopted a cat that was left outside a Wachovia when he was a couple weeks old. I’m convinced his mama said, that boy ain’t right, and left him. Despite being bottle fed by me every four hours around the clock, I’m pretty sure he has feline Asperger’s syndrome. He is obsessed with running water and drinking from a just flushed toilet. Ew.

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