I’m trying to be all healthy and active and whatnot

I Read A Lot of Internets

recent domestic successes

1) I was pretty anxious last week and while packing my lunch one morning, found myself taking that out on a hapless bag of romaine lettuce. I was deriving so much satisfaction out of angrily reaching into the bag and then angrily slamming it into a bowl and muttering things like, “You’re lucky you’re already chopped up because I feel like kicking someone’s ass,” that it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that OH WOW I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

2) After the kid’s talent show on Friday evening, we all went over to my mom’s house for pizza. I burned the roof of mouth because I absolutely could not wait two minutes for the pizza to get to a reasonable temperature. The injury received new life last night when we went to Dormont Dogs and I was similarly impatient to get food into my facehole. I don’t know what this says about me.

3) The other night, the kid said, “I think I have a splinter.” He showed me his finger, which basically had a 2 x 4 embedded under his nail. “Ooh, yeah you do. Let’s get that out,” I said, trying to hide my sadistic glee because I LOVE extracting splinters. It’s up there with removing ingrown hairs and peeling sunburned skin. I started to work on the splinter with the tweezers and realized that we needed to clip his nail a bit first. Anything that requires two steps is elevated to “procedure” status and pretty much makes me a doctor. With the extra nail out of the way, I really got down to business, which meant that my kid starting shouting, “OWWWWWWW!” really loud. This upset our older cat, who came into the bathroom to yowl along because he gets upset any time anyone raises their voice. The kid and the cat then began the most obnoxious call and response ever, which was really messing with my concentration.

“OWWW!”

“MROWW!”

“Everybody be quiet.”

“OWWW!”

“MROWW!”

“Shh! Dammit, I can’t do this if you’re moving around and yelling.”

“OWWW!”

“MROWW!”

“Shut up, Greedo!”

“OWWW!”

“MROWW!”

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP!”

It’s important to note that the window was open, so we were broadcasting our demented choir to the whole neighborhood.

1 comment to recent domestic successes

  • Andy

    Your splinter story reminds me of that commerical with all the Boston people screaming “The Hopper!” in that I laffed & laffed…

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