kdiddy.org

There was nothing on TV this morning so I started watching I Love Lucy and while I was watching it, I was looking at Google Reader and there were TWO Lucy-related secrets today. Weird, no?

A friend of the husband’s was in town last night to play records at AVA and he was supposed to stay the night at our house. So, I spent pretty much all day cleaning. Our house is always pretty messy and dusty since we never really have time or energy to clean. The husband is, of course, out of commission with his hand so I was on my own and had a pretty sobering moment when I realized that I couldn’t possibly clean the whole house myself and had to determine which parts were the nastiest/most potentially embarrassing.

About 15 minutes after I finished cleaning the bathrooms and was sprawled out on the bed panting, the husband came home from work and announced that he had to poop. After he emerged, I whined, “I don’t know why you always do that right after I do the toilets.”

“That’s why I don’t like cleaning,” he replied. “It’s a Sisyphean effort. You’re Sisyphus.”

“Yes, and you’re this huge rock that shits all over my squeaky clean toilets.”

And then…THEN. The husband’s friend called and said that he was meeting up with “a friend” in town and would be staying at a hotel, after all.

GAHHHH

Well, at least the house is clean. I guess. Whatever.

In continuing in my Suzy Homemaker routine, I’m baking some homemade Nilla Wafers. They’re my dad’s favorite cookie and his birthday was Friday, so I’m making some for him. I hope they don’t suck.

I was reading about photic sneeze reflex because I sneeze nearly every morning when I wake up and it’s been like that for as long as I can remember. Essentially, I am allergic to being awake and I think I need to parlay this into a doctor’s excuse from, like, life and stuff.

So, dude! I’m turning 30 in less than 48 hours. I feel like I should…I don’t know…squeeze in a couple ill-advised relationships and get some high-interest credit cards and binge drink in the next few days before all of that stuff magically switches from charming anecdotal material to outright stupidity.

I was thinking yesterday about how I’m pretty reserved on this blog. On my LJ, I used to rant often and extensively about anything that was on my mind. I really don’t do that here at all. There are a lot of circumstantial reasons for that, mostly me being busy with work and school and life and just not having the time or energy to sit down and write just for recreation.

I think it also has a lot to do with me just not really knowing who’s reading this and just feeling kind of protective of what I put out here. I will admit outright that I’m insecure and while I definitely feel myself giving less of a fuck about other people’s opinions of me as I get older, it’s a hard habit to break when you’ve been like that your whole life.

And, of course, I have my professional reputation and the reputation of the people close to me to think about. I’m probably even a little too careful about censoring myself in the fear of me doing something that I love to do, namely writing with an (mostly) interactive audience, affecting my life and career. I often worry that my profanity could cause problems, but I honestly don’t think so.

Anyway, I think the space on the internet that is most “me” these days is Google Reader. I subscribe to an obscene number of sites. I’m like Johnny 5 in Short Circuit. I need input. I would read or otherwise absorb information about almost anything all day if I could. One of my favorite things about Google Reader is sharing stuff that I find interesting and reading the stuff that my friends share. I’ve been thinking recently that it would be really fun to post just a list of stuff that I share in Reader on here once a day, since while I don’t always have time to update here, I’m always reading stuff.

In order to do that, I feel the need to sort of re-introduce myself to those of you that only know me from this space and didn’t interact with me on LJ. I’m sure it’s no surprise that I’m a registered Democrat, and I remain so despite having serious qualms with the party and their pussyfooting. I’m actually far more to the left and I wouldn’t bat away any accusations of being, ideologically, a socialist. It’s just how I get down. I will admit that my misanthropy seems to clash with a lot of my politics, but I don’t know. I dislike most people, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want them to have health care or an education or just to be able to live a good life.

I’m not exactly pro-Obama. I like the guy. I think he’ll make a decent president and I hope he wins. I do have serious qualms with his stance against gay marriage and the telecom immunity bullshit. My respect for his obvious intellect and compassion does not erase the fact that I know that he is a politician and is in it to win this thing. But I’m choosing to view his more questionable moves as tactical means to an end.

I really dislike McCain and Palin and just the whole MO of the GOP at this point in time. I know why millions of people will vote for them, but I’ll be frank and say that I think that’s a dumb move.

So, all of that is to serve as a sort of disclaimer that a lot of what I’ll be posting here from Reader will be anti-McCain/Palin and, you know, I’m sorry if you have a problem with that but please don’t see that as an invitation to hit me back with some anti-Obama stuff. Not only is most of that just plumb moronic, but it’s directed at the wrong person.

Besides, I’m turning 30 soon and I see that as my pass to start telling people to get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit.

So, to start off, here’s a selection of what I’ve shared this week so far:

As Abstinence Pledges Falter, A New “Middle Class Morality” Emerges

Economic miracle, environmental disaster

Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the Hudson family tragedy

Irony Overload: Hottie Reality Show Contestant Complains About Sexism

How Media Deregulation Kidnapped Natalee Holloway

Ancient mummy hair suggests drug use (aka ancient motherfuckers be trippin’)

Hooman gets in, goes away, returns with fishez

Excessive water consumption is b.s. My comment on reader: “word. i hate drinking water just to drink water and i’m glad i don’t have to feel “guilty” for not doing so anymore.”

Sandra Schultz Newman and some bullshit

Giant Candy Corn Still for Sale. My comment on reader: “they’re still for sale because that shit’s fucking stupid. then again…I’m actually surprised they haven’t shown up on my street yet.”

Sarah Palin, proud socialist

12 Abandoned Houses, Homes, and Ghost Towns

I should also point out that a LOT of what I share first comes to me via Angela who might possibly be a more voracious reader than I am. She finds the best stuff and she needs to be hired by someone who will pay her obscene amounts of money to do so.

So, I got a really irritating letter from the bank. Not quite as panic-inducing as some of their previous correspondence, but it means that some time next week I have to take time out of my day YET AGAIN to deal with those fools. And don’t THINK I’m not going to make some snide remarks about how glad I am to help THEM through this difficult time, what with the financial crisis hitting our rich people so hard. In fact, I might ask if I can have the honor of putting the $30 that they’re asking for now right in the hands of the CEO and be like, “Oh, I was just going to use this for something silly, like my water bill. Here you go. Have a retreat or something!”

Anyway, I had to go to CVS a little bit ago to get some pain relievers because…well, PNC picked a really bad time of the month to act like this if you know what I mean. While I was walking back, the nail shop pulled me in.

The manicurist called me “hon,” and spoke at lightning speed to her mom on the phone and the next thing I knew I had a perfectly corny full set of nails.

Typing is difficult, but I figure folks at the bank will know not to mess with me. I will scratch a bitch.

Sometimes I think me and my family are being directed by some omnipotent force with a seriously sick sense of humor. God? I don’t know. Maybe if god is a drunken Woody Allen, then his direction for last night’s comedy of errors would be something like this:

Okay, Greedo (cat). You haven’t knocked anything off of any surface in months. Now stare deviously at the cactus on the mantle in the baby’s room. Lick your lips and jump onto the mantle. Tiptoe to the cactus. Now touch…touch…push! Now hide! They’re going to be pissed!

Kelly, grab Greedo, call him an asshole and give him to the husband, then carefully pick up the cactus with an oven mitt.

Cactus, stare up at Kelly with a “What did I do?” look. Great!

Husband, start your futile attempts to re-pot the cactus with the dry-ass soil. Wiggle the cactus to see if it will stay put. Once it starts to fall, grab it with your bare hand! Perfect! Now swear! Keep swearing! Tell the cat you’re going to kill him. Amazing. This is great stuff, guys.

Enter neighbors across the street! Alright, 3-year-old daughter, start screaming and crying! Keep going! Parents! Don’t make any attempts to comfort her. Repeat this process for the next two hours.

Okay, now we’re at the bar. Kelly, order a gimlet and some potstickers. Order another gimlet. Burn the roof of your mouth on the potstickers. Order another gimlet….aaaaaand one more. Great! Talk to Jwan about some stuff. Talk to Karen about vegetables. Show Maria your iPhone and then slur to her about graduate school.

Alright, let’s go home. Husband, curl up next to Kelly and attempt to make some moves. Kelly, be waaaaayyy too tired and breathe vodka breath into the husband’s face.

Oh, it’s 4:50 a.m.! Kelly, it’s time for your sneezing attack. And the baby, it’s time for you to get up and need some help turning the light on in the bathroom. Yeah, you guys do this every night. You know the drill.

Kelly, it’s 6 a.m. Your alarm is going off. Press the snooze button. Repeat this action 15 times. Alright, now it’s 7:15 and you really need to get out of bed. Note that your hangover seems to reside solely in your knees. Check the weather on your phone and wonder why you were reading the Wikipedia page for William F. Buckley, Jr.

We’re heading to Kelly’s in a little bit to wish the sister-in-law bon voyage. She’s being TOTALLY ORIGINAL and moving out of Pittsburgh now that she’s done with college. Gee, no one’s ever done that before. Yes, jump right into my diaspora, the water’s warm.

I just wanted to pop up really quick and let you all know that The Search for the World’s Most Useless Hospital Gown is now over. I found it at Magee. It features 9 straps, none of which are able to meet and tie at any point. Four of these straps are, bafflingly, around the neck and the rest dangle like undercooked fringe around the waist. I also wowed the nurse with my prowess when I backed into and nearly knocked over that flashlight that they shine in your vag. See, if they had just let me have my appointment yesterday none of this would have happened.

Later.

I’ve bitched about our neighbors before and, shockingly, I still hate them.

For whatever reason, they can’t get their act together enough and put their garbage out the night before, like you’re supposed to, or even early in the morning before the garbage truck comes. No. They wait until after the garbage truck does their half of the street and then they trot their crap across the street and put it with our garbage.

I really can not articulate how angry this makes me. It’s silly, I know, because garbage is garbage and whatever. I’m neighborly. But this is every week that they do this. And god knows what kind of shady shit they have in their garbage.

I think my rage stems from earlier this summer when they missed both garbage pickups and instead of just holding onto their garbage for a week, they put it on our curb anyway. Where it killed our grass and stank up the whole block because there was a bag of poopy diapers.

AND this week they have two bags of garbage in blue grocery store bags and let me tell you that this is a huge problem. The garbage men won’t take blue bags because those are the recycling bags and it is not recycling week. So help me, if I get home and those two bags are still sitting there I’m going to do something really immature.

Like, it’s not enough that these assholes forced me to listen to Creed for an hour one night and just generally seem like shitty people and don’t comfort their crying baby EVER. I have to be responsible for their trash??!?!?!?!?!? THIS IS SERIOUS DRAMAZ!

Stiff greetings to you this morning. I pulled my neck in my sleep last night and am now rocking the “I have no movable parts!” look. I rolled over around 5 a.m. and The Pain hit. I started yelping and my very sweet husband, thinking I was having a nightmare, spoke such concerned and comforting words as, “Hey! HEY! What. Is. Wrong. With. You?” Since it was 5 a.m. and I was still grappling with the searing pain, I explained, “NECK. PAIN. FUCKIN. BAD THING. OWWWW.”

And because I am the universe’s bitch, right after the neck spasm, I launched into a sneezing fit. It felt SO GOOD.

Not much else to report. Tracey visited me this weekend and Snarky Amber was in town, as well. On Saturday night we had something of a slumber party, though slightly different from the slumber parties of my youth. We were all passing out by 11:30, no one’s training bra found its way to the freezer, and I had a bit of a hangover in the morning.

Because I’m awesome, I didn’t take any pictures of our antics.

Anyway.

I bent the husband’s ear for a few minutes this morning explaining my conspiracy theories surrounding the McCain/Palin campaign.

I know I don’t delve into politics too much on here, and that’s on purpose. Mostly I just don’t have the energy to get into it with internet people but I’m also just not that compelled to write about it.

But dude. Something is UP. This whole election is such a circus, more so than usual, and the GOP’s decisions are just bizarre. It’s really starting to freak me out that they seem so willing to just throw this election. What are they up to? What do they have planned? What is with this soap opera shit? SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON.

Or don’t. Maybe I don’t really want to know. I suppose it says something about me that Joe Rogan totally gets me. But dude:

If you wish to deposit a check, that will take 5 - 10 business days.

If you wish to stop a check, that will take 5 - 10 business days.

If you wish to dispute a charge, that will take 5 - 10 business days.

If you wish to pay your bills online, that will take 5 - 10 business days.

If WE wish to jack money out of your account, we can do that instantly, 24/7. It’s just our policy, ma’am.