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I am in serious need of some levity today (is that a contradiction?), so in honor of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs and the subsequent hilarious responses, I give you my top 15 conservative songs:

1. The Beatles “Norwegian Wood” - The line “Isn’t it good, Norwegian wood?” refers to the glorious benefits of a global market and the commercial opportunities afforded to us by imports and free trade. Look for Ringo Starr’s follow-up anthem for Ikea, “Swedish Particleboard.”

2. The Rolling Stones “Start Me Up” - This song was written to celebrate the release of Windows 95 and the overall capitalist success of Microsoft. Only in America!

3. The Beach Boys “God Only Knows” - “God only knows what I’d be without you,” is a sweet ode to The Creator’s omnipotence and psychic powers.

4. U2 “Sunday Bloody Sunday” - In the line, “How long? How long must we sing this song?” Bono expresses his exasperation with singing such liberal anthems.

5. The Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the U.K.” - The call for anarchy is obviously sarcasm. This song is actually just a call for an end to big government.

6. Metallica “One” - “Fed through the tube that sticks in me/Just like a wartime novelty/Tied to machines that make me be/Cut this life off from me” speaks to the glory of dying on the battlefield…er, well, almost dying on the battlefield.

7. The Kinks “Lola” - “I pushed her away/I walked to the door/I fell to the floor/I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me” refers to the physical altercation that always ensues when a manly man realizes that the chick he’s been macking on is actually a dude. It happens to the best of us.

8. Bob Dylan “Masters of War” - In the line, “You fasten the triggers/For the others to fire/Then you set back and watch/When the death count gets higher” Dylan acknowledges the fact that those who are drawn to politics aren’t that great with all of the killing and stuff and that it’s better left to people who are more predisposed to rage…like pissy broke people.

9. The Pretenders “Brass in Pocket” - The title line is an homage to how it’s better to have money than to not have money and those who do not have money should get some so that they won’t be poor anymore and then they can stop whining about being hungry all the time.

10. David Bowie “Suffragette City” - A plaintive song about how women gaining the right to vote directly led to men refusing to help their buddies in favor of shagging.

11. Ben Folds Five “Song for the Dumped” - Folds rails against welfare queens when he screams, “Give me my money back, you bitch!”

12. Led Zeppelin “Stairway to Heaven” - Proof that God is a capitalist: “And she’s buying a stairway to heaven/And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed/With a word she can get what she came for.” THERE ARE STORES IN HEAVEN! We can shop ’til we die and then just keep shopping!

13. Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha” - The obvious lesson from this song is that good ol’, healthy American competition gives us all character…and results in hotter chicks who will fight and/or make out to attract men with five brain cells. Everyone wins!

14. Chumbawamba “Tubthumping” - Sure, the band members are all anarchists and anti-corporate, but you can’t miss the Horatio Alger pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps of “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.”

15. Jimi Hendrix “Purple Haze” - When he sings (I think), “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy!” Hendrix is apologizing for his homosexuality because he knows it threatens my marriage.

Bonus: Heidi Montag “Higher” - The song is being considered as the new theme for No Child Left Behind.

Someone on flickr just questioned my street cred!

Anyway, the Rick Wilhite thing on Saturday was pretty fun. There was a decent turn-out, but there was a mass exodus around 1 a.m. or so. Very strange.

Rick Wilhite and his aura played many good records, including “Numbers” by Kraftwerk as a special treat.

Jwan’s ear! Jwan encouraged me to wear high heels more often but dude, I was practically in tears by the end of the night. Ballet made my feet all wide and thick. They are not dainty enough for girly shoes.

Frank showed up! He was in town for a friend’s wedding! I really need to get my teeth cleaned!

The event was all multimedia n’at. This painting was created on-site and I kind of want it for my dining room. There was also a sneak peek at Paul Dang’s movie Still City. Paul’s been working on the movie for awhile and I hope he’s able to release it soon because it looks pretty awesome. I love the title, too. It’s a play on words. People from this area tend to pronounce “steel” as “still” (ie, Stillers instead of Steelers). Imagery-wise it’s also pretty great. The three rivers flow through us constantly, but Pittsburgh is still, right in the middle of it. And Pittsburgh, for better or worse, never goes anywhere. Take that however you want. It just contains this weird mixture of people who are creative and loyal and cynical and interesting and just all around kind of weird.

I think I shall rename this blog fuckihavesomuchshittodo.com because fuck, I have so much shit to do! And it’s all I talk about!

As a special bonus for stressing myself out over crap that I (stupidly) willfully entered into (job, school, motherhood, existence as a functioning member of society), my lip is breaking out into a really sexy cold sore. The upside is that those really disgusting first two days of looking like your local meth addict turning tricks at the Best Western will be spent at home, where I will threaten my family by holding their toothbrushes thisclose to my lip. The downside is that I will look like your local meth addict turning tricks at the Best Western. Also, this shit hurts. Also also, I was kind of hoping for some adult time to alleviate the stress, but nothing says lovin’ HSV 1.

Anyway, we went to see The Roots last night. They were performing for Tech Fair. I’m sad to report that The Roots…kind of suck now, which is unfortunate since I stood around and frantically searched for the other members of my party for nearly two hours and then stood for another two hours while those hip hop darlings did their best impression of a drunken Doors performance circa nineteen-seventy-hell. For awhile I didn’t think it was so bad, but 20 minutes into their psychotic rendition of “Masters of War,” I wanted to choke someone. Granted, I was standing next to a group of young Anna Nicole wannabes and a couple who were making out the whole time, since, you know, “Masters of War” is the classic make-out jam.

I’m feeling morose today for some reason, so I’m listening to the “Coffee House” station on Sirius. They’re playing “Baby Can I Hold You,” by Tracy Chapman. Ugh. Up next: fetal position and quiet weeping.

But it works because No Country for Old Men comes out on DVD today, so I can revel in the Cormac McCarthyism of it all.

On Saturday night, we went to see Dan Bell play records. It was at this reception hall in Bellevue and the whole thing was very odd. Bellevue, which has a really awesome sign when you enter it that says, “Live. Worship. Shop,” (”It’s like something out of They Live!” –the husband) is sort of a classic Pittsburgh suburb and the reception hall just screamed “yinzer wedding.” It was awesome. It had wood-paneled walls and a parquet dance floor, nauseating carpeting and a teeny-tiny bar with a sign that read, “BEER ONLY.”

There were a ton of people there, most of whom I didn’t recognize and looked really young. The music was awesome and everyone was dancing. I commented that it really felt like one of the after parties in Detroit. Very weird.

What was especially rad was that I saw at least 3 people I wasn’t really trying to ever see again, one of whom said to me, “You guys own a house? That’s retarded.”

Another guy attempted a rather awkward and, I imagine, drug-fueled conversation with me and at one point he asked me, “So, you’ve been around a long time? You’re kind of old?”

That’s me. Retarded. Old.

I happened to look over as a huge light fell about 3 inches from Jwan and spent the rest of the night telling him how glad I was that he wasn’t dead, because that would have bummed me right out.

This one girl was wearing this iridescent…bikini? And she was grinding up against this guy who was rubbing all over her and toward the end of the night he walked over to Bolt and I and asked for a high five. Maybe if I were wearing latex gloves, dude.

When we were getting in the car to go home, a guy in a pick up truck asked if we wanted to go to Club Erotica. “They got wings n’at.” We declined.

I love Pittsburgh.

A detective called our house last night to get some more information on our break-in. I was on the phone with him trying to explain what an Aqua Teen Hunger Force is. The baby, of course, is never deterred by someone’s phone usage and continued talking to me despite the fact that I was waving my hand at him and scrunching up my face, which is obviously the international sign for “I’m on the phone. Shut up.”

The baby left the room for a few seconds and I was finally able to hear the detective, but he came back into the room, stark naked and holding a sock on his penis. “Look, Mum,” he said. “I’m going to pee in my sock!”

Later, I was playing with the cat and he accidentally clawed my arm. I heard the skin snap. It was most unpleasant.

Your WTF for the day: Hello Kitty Assault Rifle

Also, here’s a Friday Random Twenty:

1. “Second Chances” - Theo Parrish
2. “Finally” - Cece Peniston
3. Not sure, sounded like Justin Timberlake
4. “Declare Independence” - Bjork
5. “Shades of Jae” - Moodyman
6. “Wake Up Alone” - Amy Winehouse
7. “Beautiful” - Snoop Dogg
8. “Delicate” - Damien Rice
9. “Avril 14th” - Aphex Twin
10. “New Partner” - Palace Bros
11. “Say It Ain’t So” - Weezer
12. “Waves” - J Dilla
13. “Until the End of Time” - Justin Timberlake (channeling Prince)
14. “Wanderlust” - Bjork
15. “The Fake Anti Waltz” - The Slapped Eyeballers
16. “In the Garage” - Weezer
17. “What You Got” - Justin Timberlake
18. “From the Morning” - Nick Drake
19. “The Rink” - Theo Parrish
20. “Edit” - Regina Spektor

The rosy-cheeked dude in the picture is my husband. He likes to bite my style. As such, he has a new blog this is officially debuting today. He is over at infinitestatemachine.com and has a rad interview with Omar-S to kick things off. Check it out.