pg-13
I feel the need to warn you that this post is kind of potty-humor-centric. Sort of a Farrelly Brothers/Judd Apatow movie wrapped in bacon and deep fried. It’s just a collection of weird/gross/immature things that have happened in the past few days.
Under the category of Boogers
The baby likes to help me cook, which is usually a good activity for us to do together (though the oppressively small kitchen and its tendency to drive me to drink sometimes make this impossible because my dear son if you don’t GET OUT OF MY WAY RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD!). The other night I was making pizza cobbler and the baby was helping me to put the dough on top.
I’ve had a tough time getting him to remember to cover his mouth when he sneezes and when he does I like to point out that that was a good thing. You can already see where this is heading, right? So, he sneezed and covered his mouth…with the hand that was holding a piece of dough.
“Um, it’s good that you covered your mouth but try to do that with the hand that’s NOT holding our dinner. kthxbi.”
Under the category of Crotches
The baby was goofing off the other night while I was nagging him to do something…probably going to bed or getting a shower or something.
And he just wound up and punched me in the crotch.
Like…
It wasn’t a hard punch, so it didn’t hurt. It was more dramatic sparring with a slightly slowed-down, kung fu, “HHHWWWWAAAAHHHH!” flare. But still. Demoralizing.
But I paid it forward. The husband and I have a tendency to act like brothers; lots of pinching and noogies and wedgies and trash-talking. This recently prompted the baby to ask us why we married each other if we hate each other so much. (Spite.)
This afternoon, as we were heading into the baby’s school to pick him up, we were engaged in an epic battle of Stop-Touching-Me-I’m-Not-Touching-You-See-I’m-Not-Touching-You, when I ended things by punching him in the crotch. PWNED.
Under the category of Pubes
I really dislike stray pubes. They’re certainly my least favorite aspect of cleaning the bathroom and I get really skeeved if I come into contact with them. I just hate how they’re so unapologetically coarse and all, “Nyah, I was on a crotch and now I’m on your towel!”
I was in the shower earlier and as I was rinsing off my washrag I noticed a pube on my hand. Ick. So I stuck my hand under the water to rinse it off…and the spray shot it off my hand and right into my eye. I had to dig a pube out of my eyeball. Like, who has that happen to them? Only me. I’m still so irritated about it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:54 am
I’m am sooo laughing my butt off at the same time I’m gagging! Thanks!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@Joy, hehe, you’re welcome!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 am
You are now my favorite person. Almost.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Maria, sweet. how do I tip the scales in my favor?
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:02 pm
@kdiddy, You’d have to be one of my kids. But you’re a close runner up!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
delurking to say thank you. reading stuff like this is EXACTLY why I read your site! crap like this happens to everyone but it makes me feel just a bit more normal to read it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Elizabeth, heh, you’re welcome. š
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
The entire “Pubes” section has me in tears. Please do not be surprised when you see someone create a “Nyah, I was on a crotch and now Iām on your towel!” t-shirt on Cafepress. It will be me.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@jive turkey, I’ll be collecting royalties, bizatch!
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
ok, despite my LOLing from the pubes and boogers, i need to know how the pizza cobbler turned out. it seems like it has the potential to be a hit in my household.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@jess s, yummy! we don’t like mushrooms, so I just doubled up the green pepper and I’m sure you can vegan it up real nice.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@kdiddy, i like mushrooms but my kid won’t eat them. well, he would eat them, but he projectile vomits. something about the mouthfeel. i could sub in any of our fave pizza toppings, though. vegsausage, peppers, pineapples, extra olives, etc.
i dont know about veganizing it though. the melty cheese…..
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
@jess s, I forget, are you guys strictly vegan or do you partake of the dairy here and there?
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 am
@kdiddy i was vegan for a while, but these days, we aspire to veganism but settle for plain ol’ vegetarianism 75% of the time. it’s mostly just CHEESE that knocks me off the wagon.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Josh just asked if I wanted to move to Philidelphia(I think that is were you are) I said sure, Kdiddy is from there and she is really smart… go look at her blog. I go to your blog on my laptop, and he’s across the room. Suddenly I say …nevermind, don’t go to her blog!!! hahaahaha… He is like “what?” I am like “Crotches & Pubes” lololozzz
Also, I can’t believe you paraphrased a pubes thought. Is this an SEO post??? haha.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Oh, you have such a yummy life. I recently photographed a pregnant chick with pubes covering the entire expanse of her swollen belly. Scary, but true. It was a Photoshop nightmare. Just had to share b/c I was freakin’ out behind my oblivious little lens. Awesome blog!