cool bike
I had a not-so-great evening last night. I was in a really bad mood after work and started babbling to the husband about the various Dark Things that I was thinking.
“I feel like I managed to screw up my life without actually doing anything wrong or bad.”
I used to feel this way all the time but I’ve been trying to just push it back and away because it doesn’t help anything. I think it bubbled up because I haven’t been running in about three weeks (no real good excuse…got sick and work’s been CRAZY). But after ranting for awhile I settled down. We headed to our neighborhood and visited with the husband’s grandmother, home tonight after a very rough two weeks in the hospital. Perspective: gulped down like the big ol’ pill that it is.
We trudged to our house, hungry, and I became pretty angry with the baby for not completing his homework at his after school program. If he waits until we get home, he’s always too tired and what should be 20 minutes of work turns into 3 hours. While he looked for excuses to dawdle around his math problems, I picked up a piece of homework that he had finished: a worksheet asking him to study some greeting cards and deduce what the greetings inside might be.
I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I could barely breathe. Tears rolled down my face. I shared the greeting cards with the husband and he cracked up, too.
We seem to be raising some kind of accidental greeting card genius. If I were someecards, I would be very scared right now.
It starts off innocently enough with, “Hope you get well,” but then we move into the cool, detached world of new baby joy with, “Your baby is looking well.”
There’s another basic greeting of, “Congratulations on getting married,” but then there are those other two.
Every time I look at this, I lose it. If I don’t get this card for my birthday this year, I’m going to be pissed.
The baby was surprised that we found them funny, but was pleased to have made us laugh. Of course, after that happy moment, he continued to stall on his homework, which pissed everyone off. Whatever. Cool bike.
February 10th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Hallmark totally needs to start a “Cool Bike” line.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Seriously.
February 10th, 2011 at 12:50 pm
“Your baby is looking well” is a genius indicator of what should be an entire series of cards from Deadly WASP Greetings.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I know. It’s so…snooty and Lucille Bluth. Amazing.
February 10th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
i want the “you are a good cook” like a biker patch on the back of my chef’s whites.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
That would be bad-ass.
February 10th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
OMG I love when kids do homework like this and we get a little glimpse into their true genius selves. Our kid recently gave a presentation on heroin for health class that was off the hook hilarious, seriously. and I’m not just saying that because I’m a parent. It include M@rth@ Stewar+’s “secret recipe” for how to cut heroin.
I want a “cool bike” card right now, to tuck into the handlebars of every cool bike I see around town. Do you think I have to pay the baby some royalties if I make one?
February 12th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
“It include M@rth@ Stewar+’s “secret recipe” for how to cut heroin.”
Man, you know Martha tore it UP while she was inside. I bet she made that toilet wine like nobody’s business.
I really like the idea of someone getting or having a cool bike being a Hallmark occasion. Communication is too detached. Time to get SPECIFIC.
February 10th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
This had me laughing out loud. So funny. It should go in the sympathy section at the card store. Definitely cheered me up.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Me, too. It was such an unexpected pick-me-up.
February 10th, 2011 at 3:32 pm
“Cool bike” had me giggling out loud in the library. I also love it because I think it’s probably the most genuine of all of them!
February 12th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Cool bike has become a catch phrase around here and it’s surprisingly versatile.
February 10th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
I’m loling so hard right now.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
It’s been days and we’re still giggling over it.
February 10th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
Oh, I think the baby one is the funniest of them all!
February 12th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
heh, thanks!
February 10th, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Oh my God… I pissed myself over “Your baby is looking well”. What a cool customer!
February 12th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
It recalled this time a few years ago when he met my co-worker’s son, who was pretty small at the time, and said to her, “Nice baby.”
February 10th, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Also: I just realized how ominous “Hope you get well” sounds. The other option is clearly death.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Ha! You’re so right. I didn’t notice that at first.
February 11th, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Oh my god, amazing. “Your baby is looking well” may be the best new baby card idea EVER.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Agreed. If he were more sophisticated, I imagine he would have come up something even more hilarious, like, “Congratulations on your high APGAR scores.”
February 11th, 2011 at 2:40 pm
While I love “cool bike” (which I imagine to be said in the same tone used by my older sister when she would mock me for something that was, like, TOTALLY not cool), I think my favorite is “Your baby is looking well.” MY GOD, the DAGGERS in that simple sentence. I love it.
February 12th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
It’s impossible to say it without turning up your nose.