ah, who needs one?
When I was in the kitchen earlier I kept thinking of all of these great little tidbits I wanted to write about but now I've forgotten them all…well, no, now they're slowly starting to come back.
I've been wondering more and more why we, as a society, are so fanatic about projecting the “Everything's fine,” image. I mean, for the most part, things aren't horrible. Nearly everyone that I know eats everyday, has a loving family, a roof over their head, their neighborhood isn't massacred by rival religious groups like in India last year (which, sadly enough, I didn't hear about the massacre until yesterday). There are so many unsavory things that we do as people that we don't let anyone else know about. It's this strange competition among us that I don't understand. Is capitalism to blame? Being raised by people who grew up in the shadow of the Red Scare? Perhaps. I find that when things with the baby and the boyfriend are going through a rough patch, I fervently insist to friends that things couldn't be better. There's a strange competitive spirit between my friends and I as well. None of them think that the boyfriend and I will make it as a family. So I constantly feel the need to project the “no, we're great” stuff. Honestly, though, the boyfriend and I are doing pretty well, emotionally. Financially and otherwise, we got dick. But you'd think that the financial and otherwise was the most important part.
I've also been feeling like a loser lately. Chatted on ICQ the other night with Frank. It was an alright conversation. But I feel like he looks down his nose at me…that he laughs about me and how stupid he thinks I am. During our conversation I kept mentioning my amazon.com wish list and the PR internship trauma. He reminded me that I had already told him about both and man…if blushing could be transmitted over the internet….I don't know why his opinion of me worries me so much, though.
It must be the weather, but it seems like everyone I know is in a deep funk. Rebel that I am, I've decided to reject the mainstream Seasonal Affect Disorder and be (or at least try to be) somewhat upbeat…as upbeat as I can be. I'm not a generally cheery person. My dad's a wreck. Paco's depressed. My mom's been acting a little crazy.
I'm running out of steam.
