kdiddy.org

The baby is six years old today. That, if you weren’t aware, is really crazy. This morning, after I woke him up with my warbly rendition of “Happy Birthday” and forced some oatmeal into him and pushed him onto the school bus after a rousing game of “I’m gonna kick snow on your shoes. STOP IT!”, the husband and I drove into work/school and I mentioned that at that time six years ago we had a brand new, tiny baby and I was enjoying the world through the lens of morphine.

Our memories of the actual birth are very fuzzy. I was induced and we discovered early on that the baby had turned and was poised to enter the world feet-first. My doctor came in the morning and tried to turn him. The baby’s heart rate plummeted and they rushed me back for a C-section.

I remember the nurses scurrying down the hall with me, crying. I remember clutching one of many awesome nurses as they gave me the spinal injection. I remember my legs feeling like they were disappearing and slowly becoming quite out of it. I remember the husband appearing by my side, focusing on my eyes because he didn’t want to see what was going on down below. I remember them saying that the baby was out shortly after 8 a.m. I remember hearing my son cry for the first time a few minutes later.

The husband remembers going to Jimmy John’s to get a sandwich after everyone was settled. Whatever.

Anyway, one of the gifts that we got him is a copy of Now We Are Six, because it’s awesome and I got it when I was six and what’s nicer than cuddling up with some Winnie the Pooh? We also got him this awesome hat:

We got that at Hot Topic of all places. Apparently, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends is huge with the pseudo-punk/indie/goth/hipster set. Can’t blame them. Foster’s is awesome.

The baby and I took the day off. He started coming down with something last night. We dropped him off at my mother-in-law’s house so that we could run to the mall to grab him a few birthday gifts and right before we left he was like, “Blah.” And when we got back he told me, “I want to go to bed right away.” Never a good sign. This morning he was complaining that his stomach was hurting and he was coughing and stuff and I reasoned that he might as well stay home. If he was coming down with something serious, getting him home from school would be a total joke since the husband is at school all day today. Then came the question of who would tend to him. I sat in bed for a few minutes trying to figure out something with the husband’s grandmother, but then figured the hell with it. I’ll just stay home with him.

Not entirely the best time of the semester to take the day off, but I was really in dire need. Especially since I have a paper due tomorrow and honestly I didn’t know how I was going to get it done. Sometimes it’s all just too much, you know?

The baby seems to be doing alright now. He went to the bathroom and that seemed to help enormously. I am feeling a little duped by him, but oh well. I can’t believe he’s going to be 6 in two days.

By the by, apologies to anyone who stopped by here yesterday when my site was all fux0red. I had managed to screw something up when I was experimenting with text wrapping and it took me forever to figure out. For awhile I thought I was going to have to go with a new theme and that had me all worked up. I’m apparently very attached to this one.

Alright…now for that paper…

At some point yesterday, static descended upon our house and it is no longer safe to touch anyone or anything. I don’t remember it being this bad last year…but it’s possible I was just shocked so severely that my memory is on the fritz.

What’s my name again?

The husband was playing records last night and I stayed home because I was very, very tired. I ended up staying up late anyway watching the first two episodes of The Tudors on OnDemand. That show is alright. I seem to have trouble separating actors from their previous roles, so every time Jonathan Rhys-Meyers’ Henry consulted Sam Neill’s character, I felt compelled to yell, “Watch out for the velociraptor!” And Buckingham was Duncan in Last of the Mohicans and it seems like that guy gets typecast as The Sucker.

***

I halfheartedly threatened the baby with permanent toy removal if he didn’t get all of his toys off of the living room floor. So he piled them all up on an armchair. I’m not speaking to him at the moment.

When he’s in school, the baby doesn’t really watch TV during the week. So he gets a healthy dose of it on Saturdays. He revels in the braindeadness of it all and he keeps absentmindedly playing with the doors on our Ikea entertainment system cabinet thing. It’s slowly driving me insane because three seconds after I tell him to stop he’s back at it and since the furniture in question is Ikea, being touched has caused one of the doors to become crooked.

I’m a big sucker for gadgets, which is why I try to avoid watching shows like this. However, I did end up watching an episode the other night and they featured this espresso/cappuccino machine from DeLonghi and this morning I realized I was daydreaming about it. Even though I get pretty annoyed when I see these being used in a coffee shop, I wouldn’t mind having one at home…because I am not (or am no longer) a professional barista so I think I get to have the dummy, push-button version.

So, yeah, as soon as I have $1,500 to spend on a coffeemaker, it’s mine.

Today, I have to knock out at least some of my final projects. Saturday, I need to get last-minute stuff for the baby’s birthday party and maybe a gift or two for my spawn. Sunday is his birthday party. It’s 1 – 3 p.m. so I imagine from 2:30 on I will be nursing a migraine. Monday, the husband goes to court for the hearing of our burglar, but I’m almost positive that they will postpone again. Apparently they can postpone the hearing three times and the tactic involved there is to discourage the witnesses/victims from continuing to show up. I don’t know. The last time I was there everyone seemed pretty indignant. I think the dude will be going down eventually. If he postpones this time, that will be the third time. So I think we’ll definitely be having a hearing in January.

Other than that…classes (last 4!) Monday through Thursday. User testing on Monday and Tuesday for my software documentation. Final paper for Style due on Wednesday. Baby’s birthday on Thursday. Software documentation due on Friday. Final portfolio for Prof & Tech due on the 14th.

Then: drinks.

It appears as though the heat is not functioning in my office which is making for an interesting work environment. I’m moving around a lot. Typing helps.

I kinda want one of them thar fancy universal remotes, but I’m severely skeptical about how well they’ll actually work. Also, we lose a remote at least twice a month and I can’t imagine what horrors would be unleashed if we lost The Remote and then we had to, like, stand up and shit. Barbaric! Our remotes always return, they usually just go traveling through the innards of our couch for a few days before resurfacing.

Also, I don’t really have $150 for a remote. There’s that, too. And our entertainment set up isn’t that fancy. I just feel like a tool having 4 remotes.

I’ve reached the point in the semester where I’m having mini panic attacks every 30 minutes or so when I think of all of the stuff coming up over the next few weeks. Aside from school stuff, I realized last night that the baby’s birthday party is on SUNDAY and we still haven’t nailed down some minor details…like what we’re going to feed everyone. (I feel it’s important to mention that my mom and grandmother just kind of barreled their way into taking over the party and I’m completely unhappy with what they’ve done. They’re having it some place that’s costing a bajillion dollars just to rent so now they’re like, “Uh, the food is going to be too expensive.” Gum for everyone, I guess.) Only one person has RSVPed to me so far, which isn’t surprising. People are really bad about RSVPing these days, aren’t they?

The baby’s actual birthday is next Thursday and I, of course, have a huge assignment due the next day. A serious con to unplanned pregnancies is that your kid’s big day might fall during a traditionally shitty time of the year. Behold our success last year. I had vowed after that not to be so ditzy about his birthday this year, so let this be my reminder to myself to have something a little nicer than a Hostess cupcake and a scented candle to celebrate the birth of my only child.

Not that he cares, of course. But you know when he looks back at the pictures when he’s 25 he’s going to say, “What jerks.”

The baby and I got up and started watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You know, that parade actually kinda sucks. I guess I’ve never really paid attention to it before. I like the balloons. And the Rockettes. But the endless stream of mediocre high school bands from, like, Wichita (no offense) and Baldwin, and the utterly shite musical “performances” are just depressing. We watched Dolly Parton, Lifehouse, and Menudo…how irrelevant can you get? We were cringing through a number from the Hairspray musical and the baby just couldn’t take it anymore. “I hate this,” he said. I had to agree with him.

So we turned on some Mister Roger’s Neighborhood and that was way better. We got to see some canned vegetable soup being made!

We have to get ready to go soon, which will be interesting because some time between late last night and this morning I hurt my shoulder and now I can’t really lift my arm. How does my body just decide to be injured?

I did a little pre-game last night by binging on Tomato Mozzarella Pringles (they’re alright) and some chicken nuggets. And some rum with Diet Dr. Pepper. Ballin’! We watched the Weeds season finale (a few days late) and this new Paul Mooney DVD that we got called Analyzing White America. Some already-used material but still hilarious.

Everyone have a nice day!

The kindergarten classes at the baby’s school had a little Thanksgiving pageant thing today. I was pretty excited for it…so excited, in fact, that I left the house without some key accessories: my purse, which housed my wallet and my phone, and my camera. I also left some yummy leftover spaghetti at the house that I had planned to eat for lunch but, figuring I would have my wallet, decided on my way out the door that I would just buy something for lunch.

I blame this partially on the fact that I had a paper due today and when I left the house this morning it was only 1/3 done. That kind of thing is distracting. For what it’s worth, I just turned the paper in and I’m pretty confident that it sucks. But mentally I’m in no position to make it any better. Oh, well.

The pageant was extremely cute. I know it’s instinctual to groan at the idea of kids dressed up in homemade costumes and singing songs all off-key and distracted. But as a parent it was the best thing I’ve seen all year. I absolutely can not wait to go to every single one of those corny things.

The baby was a turkey and many of the songs that they sang were about eating turkey or the turkey’s sneaky methods for avoiding the oven. They sounded cute but really what kind of morbid shit is that? It’s all very close to this.

There were also pilgrims and, of course, “Indians.” I really couldn’t believe when the principal referred to them that way. Perpetuating Thanksgiving myths is one thing. Using terms for people that are known to be offensive is another.

I was very sad not to have my camera, nonetheless. But I managed to persuade some staff members to hook me up with some doubles and whatnot.

On a completely unrelated note, there is apparently a stomach virus going around these parts. This I am not at all cool with. Several faculty members were out yesterday and my officemate just went home sick after ralphing in the bathroom. I now get to be paranoid because I’m irrationally terrified of the stomach virus* and being that close to someone who might have it makes me very, very uneasy.

However, said officemate had lunched on leftover shrimp from Red Lobster, so I’m hoping it was just that. And seriously, how little regard can you have for your gastrointestinal integrity if you’re eating leftover shrimp from Red Lobster. Ugh. It’s like a 20/20 undercover report just waiting to happen.

I’m mostly worried because I’ve been talking about how much I’m going to eat on Thursday for about two months and if I have to miss it, or worse, barf it all up unintentionally afterward, I’m going to be extremely pissed.

*Everyone hates me for this.

My afternoon class was canceled so that means that I don’t have any classes this week. Yesssss. It was a highly needed reprieve, too. This morning, as I was dragging the baby to the bus stop, I was thinking, “God, I just don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to go to class, I don’t want to be married, I don’t want to be a mom, I don’t want a house, I don’t even want to be a daughter. I just want to stay in bed all day and watch whatever is on TV.”

Healthy, yes? But apparently, all it took was for that 1:30 – 2:50 block to be freed up and I’m all on top of life again.

The baby also told me this morning that he didn’t think he should go to school because he wasn’t feeling well. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I feel like I’m losing my mind.” Uh, okay.

The wedding on Saturday was very nice. On the drive up, the husband and I ranted about stuff. The ceremony was very short. The minister was a little strange, though. He kept stumbling on his words (“Who brings this woman to be buried…I mean, married,”), and when he asked for the rings he said, “Can you bring me those rings so I can bless them?” Christ, dude, act like you’ve done this before or at least be a little cheerier.

I didn’t take too many pictures because my batteries died, even though when my mom borrowed it last week she said she put new batteries in. I don’t know why she has to be such a dirty liar. I will post this one that I took of this really awesome garage door that was smack in the middle of Creepy Church Country, OH. What is up with Ohio and Jesus? They love that dude there. Multiple churches on every block. Like Lewis Black said, “He is the Coca-Cola of Ohio.”

On our way to the reception, the husband spotted a record store so we stopped in there for a few minutes, such is his addiction. He did manage to find a rare record so I guess it was worth it.

The reception was nice. The minister showed up in a pastel blue and yellow plaid suit and muttered grace. There was another woman there who wore this red satin dress for the ceremony and then changed into this yellow chiffon number for the reception. Diva! Someday I want to be badass enough to need a wardrobe change.

The DJ was kind of meh. He kept playing line dance songs, like whatever idiotic Dirty South-lite crap has come out in the past six months. That was fine, but it was an older crowd. The mostly sat around looking amused. Until he played the Electric Slide. Then things got serious. At the beginning, he had all of the married couples come out on the dance floor for this thing he likes to do called “Lessons in Love” or something. He played “Here and Now” by Luther Vandross (Luther!) then slowly eliminated all of the couples by years of marriage until there was one couple left dancing. The DJ asked them how long they had been married and the wife said, “I don’t know, sixty some years?” Ha! The husband and I got eliminated in the first round since we’ve been married less than five years, but it was nice to dance with that dude for a second.

Also, I apparently cry at weddings very easily now. Awesome.

I fell asleep in the car on the ride home (3 glasses of red wine) and when we got home we watched The Wickerman, which was pretty messed up.

Is it time for turkey yet?

I really don’t know how people work from home. Aside from all of the distractions luring me away from being productive, there are other people who live here. And those other people are…how can I put this nicely and in a way that doesn’t diminish my love for them?

Those other people are obnoxious.

I have a new freelance gig and had squeezed in a phone interview yesterday. When I called the guy I got his voice mail, so I left a message telling him to call me back. He did a few hours later.

My voice recorder kicked the bucket a few weeks ago and I didn’t really grasp how much I would miss it until I was on the phone with this guy, furiously typing away notes, when the baby came upstairs.

He has a “sandwich” he had made for me and wants me to “eat” it right away. My silent shoos kind of work…but then he goes to the bathroom where the husband is taking a shower. So the husband starts yelling at the baby to close the door before the smoke alarm goes off (a charming quirk) and the baby starts whining back and they’re being incredibly loud. The guy on the phone is talking and talking and I’m saying “Mmhmm. Mmhmm,” even though I can’t hear anything and trying to close the door which doesn’t really close because our house is old and crooked. The baby sees this and pushes his way through. I give up and go back to my computer…and the cat is curled up on the keyboard.

I’m going to have, like, one vague quote for this article and whatever my cat managed to type out with its stomach. Great.

I actually had a few blissful moments to myself this morning. The husband played records last night at Remedy in Lawrenceville, so the baby spent the night at my mother-in-law’s. The club was pretty fun, though the turnout was pretty pitiful. Does no one go out anymore?

The mother-in-law dropped me off at the club since the husband had to go earlier. When I got there, the bouncer asked me for my ID and then said, “Are you here for the comedy?” What? When I got upstairs there was, in fact, a stand up comedian performing and I was very, very confused. I stood there for a minute until I finally tiptoed to the back room where the pool table was and found the husband and our friend Tony and, most exciting of all, our friend Jonathan who recently moved back here from Colorado. I was so happy to see him, especially since we’ve been trying to get together for the past, like, two months with no success.

When the comedian was finally done, they got set up and started playing records. I was stationed by the door to collect the $2 cover charge, but that was…kind of a bust. No one was really showing up (a) and (b) everyone that came upstairs apparently worked at the bar. There were more bartenders than patrons. And when I managed to snag one actual patron and told him that it was $2, he asked me if I wanted to play pool. Another guy stumbled up the stairs and when I said, “Two dollars, please,” he replied, “I really need to stop smoking weed.” So, everyone there was either a bartender or mentally impaired in some way. Fun!

But the music was, of course, really great and I was so pleased to bullshit with Jonathan all night. We emo-ly comiserated that we have no friends and hate everyone, so it seems to be really good timing on his part to have moved back here.

Anyway, the husband and I slept waaaay in this morning and after he left for work, I snuggled onto the couch with my coffee and my laptop and turned the TV on. The mother-in-law dropped the baby off a few minutes ago and we’re watching Sleepless in Seattle, which the baby apparently really likes.

He is going out with my mom and dad in a little while and I am doing homework, laundry, homework, laundry, homework, homework, and uh, homework. So exciting! *dies*