kdiddy.org

It appears as though the heat is not functioning in my office which is making for an interesting work environment. I’m moving around a lot. Typing helps.

I kinda want one of them thar fancy universal remotes, but I’m severely skeptical about how well they’ll actually work. Also, we lose a remote at least twice a month and I can’t imagine what horrors would be unleashed if we lost The Remote and then we had to, like, stand up and shit. Barbaric! Our remotes always return, they usually just go traveling through the innards of our couch for a few days before resurfacing.

Also, I don’t really have $150 for a remote. There’s that, too. And our entertainment set up isn’t that fancy. I just feel like a tool having 4 remotes.

I’ve reached the point in the semester where I’m having mini panic attacks every 30 minutes or so when I think of all of the stuff coming up over the next few weeks. Aside from school stuff, I realized last night that the baby’s birthday party is on SUNDAY and we still haven’t nailed down some minor details…like what we’re going to feed everyone. (I feel it’s important to mention that my mom and grandmother just kind of barreled their way into taking over the party and I’m completely unhappy with what they’ve done. They’re having it some place that’s costing a bajillion dollars just to rent so now they’re like, “Uh, the food is going to be too expensive.” Gum for everyone, I guess.) Only one person has RSVPed to me so far, which isn’t surprising. People are really bad about RSVPing these days, aren’t they?

The baby’s actual birthday is next Thursday and I, of course, have a huge assignment due the next day. A serious con to unplanned pregnancies is that your kid’s big day might fall during a traditionally shitty time of the year. Behold our success last year. I had vowed after that not to be so ditzy about his birthday this year, so let this be my reminder to myself to have something a little nicer than a Hostess cupcake and a scented candle to celebrate the birth of my only child.

Not that he cares, of course. But you know when he looks back at the pictures when he’s 25 he’s going to say, “What jerks.”

I can’t do it. I can’t just go back to the normal routine after sleeping in and doing whatever I want (read: nothing) for the past four days. I changed clothes twice this whole long weekend and apparently that’s how I want to live my life because the thought of getting dressed and functioning is totally painful right now.

It doesn’t help that it’s raining and grey and miserable this morning. It doesn’t help that the baby got me out of bed three times for runny noses and pee breaks. It doesn’t help that this morning I plumb did not know what my alarm clock was going on about and simply turned the thing off, only to finally wake up to the harsh realization that I have to go be a grown up now.

No fair.

I now have a nosering again. I lost it at some point a few months ago during a particularly persistent head cold (and the ensuing nose-blowing) and then today I found it on the bathroom floor. I just don’t know what to make of that. It’s like it went exploring for a few months.

The hole had closed over just a tiny bit so I had to stick myself with a (sterilized) safety pin. It was very punk rock. I should have just left the safety pin in, eh? But I’m now re-pierced and sore.

Has there been any kind of study done to determine what one’s Amazon recommendations say about a person? I was just purchasing a few things for the baby’s birthday and the recommendations that came up after check out were pretty amusing: The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Chores, Transformers, and Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill. Oddly enough, I just had a mini-breakdown over how DONE I am with housework and how I just don’t want to do it anymore and no wonder women in the 1950s munched Valium and Vitameatavegamin all the time. Trouble with chores, indeed. My mom and grandmother don’t understand the angst that I have toward cleaning. My mom insists that the reason she loves cleaning and the reason that I should love cleaning is because you get to sit down afterward and admire how nice everything looks. Odd. Because after I clean I sit down and cry about how I’ll just need to do it again soon. Who else needs a drink?

I know I’ve said this before but four-day weekends really are what’s up. Even a three-day weekend every week would do the trick. Think we can make that happen?

Last night, after a delicious dinner of glorious leftovers, I really wanted to watch my traditional “Thanksgiving movie,” Home for the Holidays. I’ve met maybe about five people who have seen this movie and everyone agrees that it’s amazing and that they don’t know why it isn’t wildly popular. I guess that makes it a cult Thanksgiving movie? Odd.

Unfortunately, I soon realized that that particular DVD was one of the discs “liberated” from my living room back in September (thanks again, asshole!). Fail. But it will be on at 2:30 on Showtime. Now Thanksgiving is complete.

I saw a commercial today for Duncan Hines OvenReady Brownies, and that whole concept frightened me a little bit. Like, when are you ever in such desperate need of brownies that not even the box mixes are fast enough?

The baby and I are still pajama-clad. We’re parked on the couch and watching Robots.

Thanksgiving was decent. Lots of food, plenty of wine. We did the usual tour: to my mom’s to eat with my family and then to my mother-in-law’s to eat with the husband’s family. My dad was supposed to meet up with us at either place, but he chose instead to just spend the whole day with his friends’ family and that really bummed me out. For some reason, I’ve been really emo lately about my parents being divorced, even though they split up over ten years ago. I’m actually very glad that they split up, but it’s because I don’t think they ever should have been together in the first place, they’re so incompatible. But in some indirect way I regret my own existence? I don’t know. I guess I just wish that whatever unhappiness they went through in the past, it wouldn’t affect us still being together as a family when we can.

Enough overshare.

The husband went out with Matt on a photographic expedition of Pittsburgh’s industrial ruins. I am not participating in any Black Friday activities because fuck that shit. Also, it’s Buy Nothing Day, which I don’t hear much about anymore but I’m always perfectly happy to stay away from the mall. However, I might have to buy something, namely kitty litter and toilet bowl cleaner, as our various shitters are in need of some maintenance.

The baby and I got up and started watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You know, that parade actually kinda sucks. I guess I’ve never really paid attention to it before. I like the balloons. And the Rockettes. But the endless stream of mediocre high school bands from, like, Wichita (no offense) and Baldwin, and the utterly shite musical “performances” are just depressing. We watched Dolly Parton, Lifehouse, and Menudo…how irrelevant can you get? We were cringing through a number from the Hairspray musical and the baby just couldn’t take it anymore. “I hate this,” he said. I had to agree with him.

So we turned on some Mister Roger’s Neighborhood and that was way better. We got to see some canned vegetable soup being made!

We have to get ready to go soon, which will be interesting because some time between late last night and this morning I hurt my shoulder and now I can’t really lift my arm. How does my body just decide to be injured?

I did a little pre-game last night by binging on Tomato Mozzarella Pringles (they’re alright) and some chicken nuggets. And some rum with Diet Dr. Pepper. Ballin’! We watched the Weeds season finale (a few days late) and this new Paul Mooney DVD that we got called Analyzing White America. Some already-used material but still hilarious.

Everyone have a nice day!

Coffee and Cigarettes

200 Cigarettes

Edit: obviously, what I need to do is write a screenplay called 200 Cigarettes & Coffee and Cigarettes.

While I’m sure most spam is automatically generated, there must be a person/company behind it. Who are these people? Do they have miserable lives? Do they believe in a god? Animal? Vegetable? Mineral?

What makes men decide, “I’m going to start wearing a bow tie?”

Why is Diner Dash: Hometown Hero so tough? And why is it having such a strong emotional effect on me? The obnoxious teenagers on cell phones, the messy patrons, the bitchy parents…these are all depictions that are scarily true-to-life…and they remind me why I swore off waitressing for good in 1999.

The kindergarten classes at the baby’s school had a little Thanksgiving pageant thing today. I was pretty excited for it…so excited, in fact, that I left the house without some key accessories: my purse, which housed my wallet and my phone, and my camera. I also left some yummy leftover spaghetti at the house that I had planned to eat for lunch but, figuring I would have my wallet, decided on my way out the door that I would just buy something for lunch.

I blame this partially on the fact that I had a paper due today and when I left the house this morning it was only 1/3 done. That kind of thing is distracting. For what it’s worth, I just turned the paper in and I’m pretty confident that it sucks. But mentally I’m in no position to make it any better. Oh, well.

The pageant was extremely cute. I know it’s instinctual to groan at the idea of kids dressed up in homemade costumes and singing songs all off-key and distracted. But as a parent it was the best thing I’ve seen all year. I absolutely can not wait to go to every single one of those corny things.

The baby was a turkey and many of the songs that they sang were about eating turkey or the turkey’s sneaky methods for avoiding the oven. They sounded cute but really what kind of morbid shit is that? It’s all very close to this.

There were also pilgrims and, of course, “Indians.” I really couldn’t believe when the principal referred to them that way. Perpetuating Thanksgiving myths is one thing. Using terms for people that are known to be offensive is another.

I was very sad not to have my camera, nonetheless. But I managed to persuade some staff members to hook me up with some doubles and whatnot.

On a completely unrelated note, there is apparently a stomach virus going around these parts. This I am not at all cool with. Several faculty members were out yesterday and my officemate just went home sick after ralphing in the bathroom. I now get to be paranoid because I’m irrationally terrified of the stomach virus* and being that close to someone who might have it makes me very, very uneasy.

However, said officemate had lunched on leftover shrimp from Red Lobster, so I’m hoping it was just that. And seriously, how little regard can you have for your gastrointestinal integrity if you’re eating leftover shrimp from Red Lobster. Ugh. It’s like a 20/20 undercover report just waiting to happen.

I’m mostly worried because I’ve been talking about how much I’m going to eat on Thursday for about two months and if I have to miss it, or worse, barf it all up unintentionally afterward, I’m going to be extremely pissed.

*Everyone hates me for this.

My afternoon class was canceled so that means that I don’t have any classes this week. Yesssss. It was a highly needed reprieve, too. This morning, as I was dragging the baby to the bus stop, I was thinking, “God, I just don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to go to class, I don’t want to be married, I don’t want to be a mom, I don’t want a house, I don’t even want to be a daughter. I just want to stay in bed all day and watch whatever is on TV.”

Healthy, yes? But apparently, all it took was for that 1:30 – 2:50 block to be freed up and I’m all on top of life again.

The baby also told me this morning that he didn’t think he should go to school because he wasn’t feeling well. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I feel like I’m losing my mind.” Uh, okay.

The wedding on Saturday was very nice. On the drive up, the husband and I ranted about stuff. The ceremony was very short. The minister was a little strange, though. He kept stumbling on his words (“Who brings this woman to be buried…I mean, married,”), and when he asked for the rings he said, “Can you bring me those rings so I can bless them?” Christ, dude, act like you’ve done this before or at least be a little cheerier.

I didn’t take too many pictures because my batteries died, even though when my mom borrowed it last week she said she put new batteries in. I don’t know why she has to be such a dirty liar. I will post this one that I took of this really awesome garage door that was smack in the middle of Creepy Church Country, OH. What is up with Ohio and Jesus? They love that dude there. Multiple churches on every block. Like Lewis Black said, “He is the Coca-Cola of Ohio.”

On our way to the reception, the husband spotted a record store so we stopped in there for a few minutes, such is his addiction. He did manage to find a rare record so I guess it was worth it.

The reception was nice. The minister showed up in a pastel blue and yellow plaid suit and muttered grace. There was another woman there who wore this red satin dress for the ceremony and then changed into this yellow chiffon number for the reception. Diva! Someday I want to be badass enough to need a wardrobe change.

The DJ was kind of meh. He kept playing line dance songs, like whatever idiotic Dirty South-lite crap has come out in the past six months. That was fine, but it was an older crowd. The mostly sat around looking amused. Until he played the Electric Slide. Then things got serious. At the beginning, he had all of the married couples come out on the dance floor for this thing he likes to do called “Lessons in Love” or something. He played “Here and Now” by Luther Vandross (Luther!) then slowly eliminated all of the couples by years of marriage until there was one couple left dancing. The DJ asked them how long they had been married and the wife said, “I don’t know, sixty some years?” Ha! The husband and I got eliminated in the first round since we’ve been married less than five years, but it was nice to dance with that dude for a second.

Also, I apparently cry at weddings very easily now. Awesome.

I fell asleep in the car on the ride home (3 glasses of red wine) and when we got home we watched The Wickerman, which was pretty messed up.

Is it time for turkey yet?