kdiddy.org

I just got off the phone with Regina Spektor. She’s a sweetheart and I think I adore her even more now.

There was some tepid controversy over the atheistic undertones of The Golden Compass. I am here to tell you that those concerns were unfounded. My son has not seen the movie nor read the book and was just heard singing, to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It,”

“Skinny people don’t believe in god *clap clap*
Skinny people don’t believe in god *clap clap*
But old people do, so I guess skinny people should, too
God god god blahblahblahblah…”

I’m not real sure where he came up with that, but I know Nicole Kidman had nothing to do with it.

My point is, there can be more movies promoting atheism.

In other news, every fucking person in this house is in a pissy mood. Someone save me.

I really wish the Steelers would stop acting like such tools against the Patriots. And I am purposely not watching any post-game crap because Tom Brady incites such rage in me, the likes of which I only feel when I hear someone from the Bush administration speak…or whenever I’m faced with someone who is clearly proof that humanity is doomed because the douchebags are out-populating the non-douchebags. Seriously, Bridget Moynahan…how could you?

Other than that, not a terrible Sunday. Interviewing a band for AP at 9:30 and had a brain spasm when the publicist requested 6:30 Pacific time which raised all kinds of questions in my head (“That’s our time minus 3 hours, right? Wait…what?”). If people start using military time, I’m screwed.

My other moment of brilliance today came in the shower when I was washing my face. Apparently I blew a bubble with the soap in my nose, which popped inside my mouth when I inhaled, and I choked and gagged and hacked. It was great. Then the baby came in and sat on the toilet and whined about how long I was taking. Thanks, jerk.

The baby and I attempted a game of Monopoly, which I rejected because it was too boring and complicated (seriously, how do capitalists give a shit about that stuff?) and then Mouse Trap which was more my speed but the baby kept knocking my mouse off of its space with his sweatshirt sleeve and I had a conniption. I just don’t understand why he has to play dirty like that.

My mom and the baby and I spent some time in Squirrel Hill yesterday, a good chunk in Barnes & Noble. I furrowed my eyebrows at their decision to display a Holocaust book in the middle of some discount cookbooks and noticed that women write some shitty books these days. Ladies, please step up your game. Anyway, we went to Little’s to get some shoes for the baby and that place was insane. There was some serious congestion over by the Uggs. Also, they are no longer carrying Doc Martens and I…just don’t know what to say about that.

The cat woke me up this morning by sticking his cold nose into my armpits to smell them. I got up and fed him and watched Marie Antoinette since I knew the husband didn’t want to watch it. Meeeehhhhh…It certainly wasn’t awful. It was just lacking something and I can’t really place it at all. I think Sofia Coppola accomplished that sense of isolation pretty well. And it was interesting to see Marie and Louis portrayed as pop stars, basically…or the children of pop stars. They could not be more privileged and yet they have no idea what the world is like or that they should have any idea in the first. Actual political decisions are nothing more than an unpleasant obligation that takes a few minutes out of the day. Other than that, it’s ceremony and making impressions and having their entourages tell them how awesome they are. Monarchy is stupid not only for the people it rules, but also for the rulers…same thing with celebrity idolatry. The celebrities/monarchs are eventually empty calories and the people have to swallow the fact that those people are in charge. Or revolt. And revolts are risky because people get killed and who wants to get killed?

Enough rambling. Who wants cookies?

The baby is six years old today. That, if you weren’t aware, is really crazy. This morning, after I woke him up with my warbly rendition of “Happy Birthday” and forced some oatmeal into him and pushed him onto the school bus after a rousing game of “I’m gonna kick snow on your shoes. STOP IT!”, the husband and I drove into work/school and I mentioned that at that time six years ago we had a brand new, tiny baby and I was enjoying the world through the lens of morphine.

Our memories of the actual birth are very fuzzy. I was induced and we discovered early on that the baby had turned and was poised to enter the world feet-first. My doctor came in the morning and tried to turn him. The baby’s heart rate plummeted and they rushed me back for a C-section.

I remember the nurses scurrying down the hall with me, crying. I remember clutching one of many awesome nurses as they gave me the spinal injection. I remember my legs feeling like they were disappearing and slowly becoming quite out of it. I remember the husband appearing by my side, focusing on my eyes because he didn’t want to see what was going on down below. I remember them saying that the baby was out shortly after 8 a.m. I remember hearing my son cry for the first time a few minutes later.

The husband remembers going to Jimmy John’s to get a sandwich after everyone was settled. Whatever.

Anyway, one of the gifts that we got him is a copy of Now We Are Six, because it’s awesome and I got it when I was six and what’s nicer than cuddling up with some Winnie the Pooh? We also got him this awesome hat:

We got that at Hot Topic of all places. Apparently, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends is huge with the pseudo-punk/indie/goth/hipster set. Can’t blame them. Foster’s is awesome.

You need to bring back the original Spirograph. Trust me on this. Hasbro butchered it and vintage sets are going for mad loot on eBay.

Rings. Cogs. Paper. Colored pens. Done.

I wonder if my old set is still somewhere at my dad’s house…

I’ll give the birthday party a quick recap tomorrow. Right now, I am gleefully horizontal on the bed.

You know who’s surprisingly funny? Joe Rogan. We managed to catch a stand up special of his from 2005 on cable somewhere last night and I was dying. I always thought he was just some tool who watched people eat sea cucumbers on Fear Factor. He basically gave the plot synopsis of Idiocracy during a good chunk of his routine (obviously this was before that movie was out), and it was fantastic. He talked about how stupid most people are and how screwed we would be if all of the smart people just died out. One of his lines was, “If I dropped you in the middle of the woods with a hatchet, how long do you think it would be before you sent me an email?”

Anyway, I mention this because I was doing some laundry and decided that I wanted to find out how to wrap text around in image in WordPress. I went to the support forums and was directed to a tutorial and then my brain went “Ow.” I consider myself pretty computer-savvy and possessing the ability to figure things out, but apparently this is beyond me…Okay, been fiddling with it for 20 minutes and maybe “wrapping text” means something different to the folks at WordPress. Nyergh.

Someone posted an old commercial for the Mickey Mouse Talking Phone on the vintage_ads community the other day. I totally had that phone. The buttons were kind of hard to press and I remember chewing on the phone cord because it had a satisfying, rubbery taste. I realize now that this is kind of strange. Hey, at least I didn’t choke myself with it, which is what kids would do with it now. Anyway, two really great things about this commercial: the blue shag carpeting of ridiculous height, and the announcer’s cheery voice when he says, “With the Mickey Mouse Talking phone, the batteries are not included!” Like this is a marketable feature.

At some point yesterday, static descended upon our house and it is no longer safe to touch anyone or anything. I don’t remember it being this bad last year…but it’s possible I was just shocked so severely that my memory is on the fritz.

What’s my name again?

The husband was playing records last night and I stayed home because I was very, very tired. I ended up staying up late anyway watching the first two episodes of The Tudors on OnDemand. That show is alright. I seem to have trouble separating actors from their previous roles, so every time Jonathan Rhys-Meyers’ Henry consulted Sam Neill’s character, I felt compelled to yell, “Watch out for the velociraptor!” And Buckingham was Duncan in Last of the Mohicans and it seems like that guy gets typecast as The Sucker.

***

I halfheartedly threatened the baby with permanent toy removal if he didn’t get all of his toys off of the living room floor. So he piled them all up on an armchair. I’m not speaking to him at the moment.

When he’s in school, the baby doesn’t really watch TV during the week. So he gets a healthy dose of it on Saturdays. He revels in the braindeadness of it all and he keeps absentmindedly playing with the doors on our Ikea entertainment system cabinet thing. It’s slowly driving me insane because three seconds after I tell him to stop he’s back at it and since the furniture in question is Ikea, being touched has caused one of the doors to become crooked.

Classes are over for me for the week and that means that I only have four more classes for this semester. And then I have to write some stuff and then I will be done until January.* And then there will be drinking and whooping and yawping. I should really work on some stuff now but I’m really just so tired and need just a quick break from having to think about serious stuff.

Anyway, some very nice person took a glance at my Amazon wish list and was kind enough to send me a slow cooker cookbook to help me in my endeavors to feed my family good food all while working full-time and freelancing and going to school. Methinks maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew. Perhaps I’ll cut the family loose. Something’s gotta give, right? In any case, thank you very, very much nice person. Your gift warmed some cockles…which sounds dirtier than it really is.

I am currently listening to Tracey’s Holiday Mix, which is very nice and I was relieved when she confirmed that it was, in fact, the same mix as last year. Because I didn’t want to send her an email asking her just what exactly she’s trying to pull, sending me the same mix like I wouldn’t notice. But it’s a good mix, so we’re cool.

***

I’ve had several people over the past few days comment, unsolicited, on just how tired I look and frankly it’s starting to sting a little bit. They do it out of concern. I understand this. And really I’ve looked kind of tired all of my life because I’ve had baggy eyes since I was a kid and my skin is very pale so that accentuates them. Also, I’m really tired. I have a lot going on in my life and I don’t get enough sleep. I do feel that I’ve…aged a lot in the past few years. I feel like I look and act much older than I am and that bums me out. I mean, shit, 7 years ago I was this adorable little sexpot and now I’m this stressed out mom. That’s life though, right?

Over the break I do want to rehab myself a little bit. But I can’t help but think that stressed out dads don’t get told how run down and crappy they look. Maybe I’ll make a point of telling every dude I see that they look like shit, but I’ll furrow my brow so they’ll know that I’m just “concerned.”

Grr.

Can I just mention how irritated I am that both the Charlie Brown Christmas special and the Grinch have been on TV already? Talk about blowing your wad. That means that close to the actual holiday, the only Christmas specials that they’ll have left to play are total crud starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt or whoever.

*sob

Did I mention that we went to see No Country for Old Men last week? I got out of work at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, so we went and caught a matinee in Squirrel Hill. We both really liked it. I must say that I’m really glad that Josh Brolin appears to be working steadily on quality projects now. He’s an incredibly decent actor and pulls off the austere dude very well. Unfortunately, I can’t help but want to yell, “Brand! Braaaaand!” whenever I see him. Old Goonies die hard.

Anyway, despite all of its glowing reviews, I get the sense that a lot of people won’t like No Country for Old Men and I don’t say that to be snobby. It’s just very…still and dark and quiet and gently terrifying. There’s no music. Just the desert and some men and some money and the modern world marching into town to plant its flag. The villain is just evil personified and messes with his victims’ heads. And nothing pleases him more than when they play along.

Because I’m a sucker, I went next door and picked up the book right after the movie was over. Hey, winter break will get here eventually and then I might actually get to read something! I read the first few pages the other night. I’ve never read any of McCarthy’s other books, though I am a fan of the Southern Gothic. He has a lot of sentences that are like, “The deputy left Chigurh standing in the corner of the office with his hands cuffed behind him while he sat in the swivel chair and took off his hat and put his feet up and called Lamar on the mobile.” This and this and this and this. Mental block, as I can’t think of what that’s called at the moment. I’m not sure what purpose that device serves and I’m not sure that I like it but somehow it fits the whole atmosphere.

I also still want to see American Gangster and I’m curious about I Am Legend. I saw a preview the other night for Charlie Wilson’s War which was intriguing, despite having the wild combination of Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. Having a couple of sweethearts like that in a movie together could either be surprisingly brilliant or a really unfortunate failure (and a waste of some Philip Seymour Hoffman).

Completely unrelated to anything above but it keeps running through my mind, Modern Marvels did an episode about pigs last night and talked about the pork industry’s genetic…whatever. Not modification just selected breeding, dig? Anyway, this requires artificial insemination and there are people in this world whose job it is to, erm, assist the pigs when it comes time to collect the…specimens. And there are some things in life you can’t unsee. Obviously, they didn’t show the whole act but they showed enough and later when we were watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, my mind kept wandering. It was really weird. “Hark the herald handjob piiigs!” I’m easily distracted, I guess.

That said, I am deeply grateful to the pig fluffers of the world since they allow me to have tastier pork chops. Big ups, takin’ one for the team.