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Our buddy Jwan was over last night and the husband mentioned that until the other night, I had never seen Top Gun. Jwan was flabbergasted. When the husband told him that I haven’t seen Wall Street either, Jwan gave me a rather disgusted look. The two of them started going down a mental list of classic 80s and 90s movies and soon everyone in the room was questioning just what the hell I was doing during my formative years.

“Well, I was really busy with ballet and stuff. Plus, my mom would get sporadically restrictive about what I watched. Like Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour? I taped that and then for some reason after a few weeks my mom decided it was vulgar and made me tape over it.”

And this is weird, because my parents weren’t overly concerned with vulgarity or about me watching movies that were beyond my MPAA-rating zone. But I really would like to know what happened and why I haven’t seen all of Heathers or Platoon and why I haven’t seen An Officer and a Gentleman or Heat or Risky Business.

Jwan volunteered to see to it that I round out my cinematic arsenal, then we got back to talking about Top Gun. I did really like it in all of its cheesy 80s glory. Then Jwan said, “Plus, it’s like the most homoerotic thing ever.”

“Dude, seriously!” I said. “That volleyball scene? My god! I loved that about it. So cheeky!”

“I really don’t see the homoeroticism,” said the husband.

Jwan and I both shrieked at the husband and then I closed the case.

“Dude, Jwan and I are definitely not the only ones who think this. Let me show what comes up FIRST when you search for Top Gun on YouTube.”

Anyway, I will be chilling with the fam upstate over the next few days so this space will be lonely since internet access is sparse (eep!). Don’t have too much fun without me.

You know what is a really rad way to start your morning? Getting an auto-alert email from your bank saying that your account is suspended because someone failed too many authentication attempts. In other words, “Someone was trying to get into your money.” Very comforting.

I called and it’s all straightened out now, but for a few hours there I had neither a bank account nor a cell phone. I came very close to rubbing two sticks together and sorting through the recycling bag for tin cans and string.

On that note, I am hopefully going to the store after work today and getting a new phone. Because I am a sucker, and despite the fact that Apple is kind of creeping me out, I’m hoping to get an iPhone. If I can’t get one, I’ll just get a regular phone.

In other, “can I please be a yuppie?” news, I subscribed to a CSA that delivers to campus. I can’t afford to go nuts buying stuff from them, but I’m hoping that I can get a good base of vegetables and then maybe just buy fruit from a farmer’s market every week. I’m just trying to, like, be a good person or some shit.

We watched most of Starship Troopers last night, which I had seen bits of before…only enough to know that Casper Van Dien was in it and that men and women soldiers showered together. I actually really enjoyed it. The commentary on the military was heavy-handed enough that I don’t think I really need to go into it (plus, I just don’t feel like it right now). But what I liked most about it was the acting.

Hear me out.

Denise Richards and Casper Van Dien and Jake Busey. Those guys are some of the worst actors ever to get a SAG card. But it works so well for this movie. While it’s still kind of comical to imagine Richards getting a 97% on a math exam and then being an ace pilot skilled enough to give Luke Skywalker the sweats, you can’t deny that she nails that vapid, “Sigh…applesauce,” facial expression. They all do. And that’s why the did so well performing the roles of the, “Fuck rights! Let’s go blow shit up and/or get slaughtered!” dudes.

Plus, Brother Justin was in it. And “Girl with Cigar” from Swingers.

And, because it needs to be said…IT’S FRIDAY.

We stopped at the Record Exchange on the way home and I bought used DVDs of Top Gun and Wall Street.

What is most disturbing about these purchases, you ask? Well, that would be the fact that I’ve never seen either of these movies. I also never saw Die Hard until late last year.

I’m really not sure what I was doing in the 80s, especially since I was indeed a TV watcher and we had HBO. And I didn’t drink or do drugs until the mid 90s, so I don’t have that as an excuse.

Hmm. The mysteries of life. At least now I can properly reminisce about when Tom Cruise was hotter and less…hyena-ish.

TAKE MY BREATH
AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

OH BY THE WAY, SUCKERS. I got tickets to see Louis C.K. on November 8th. It’s how I’m helping to stimulate the economy. By the way, The Economy, are you stimulated yet? Huh? You like that? Right there? WHO’S YOUR DADDY, THE ECONOMY?

I don’t know why this post is so disgusting and shouty. YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE. AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL.

We did not go grocery shopping yesterday. The reason for that being that I did not feel well at all yesterday and I think I was perhaps a tad hungover. This is sad because I had exactly 2.5 beers on Saturday night, but now I recall that I didn’t eat very much on Saturday.

I do recall sitting on the front porch with the husband. We were having one of those great “let’s philosophize!” conversations about life, the universe, and everything. You know, the ones. The conversations after which your neighbors glare at you with sleep-deprived eyes because they really didn’t care to know about your definition of soul at 1 a.m.? But I guess I can point to the moment where I realized things were getting a little sloppy when I said, “And THAT’SH why I think women are the evolution of men. Cause of the thingy. Don Cheadle. Placenta? *burp*”

What a weak performance on my part. Especially since we started to watch Road to Perdition upon my insistence and I fell asleep about 15 minutes into it. We watched the first half of Once Upon A Time in the West last night, which is extremely dope thus far. I’m not a big Western fan, but I don’t think Sergio Leone can really be denied in many instances. And of course there’s The Searchers.

Anyway, besides getting surprisingly drunk and killing my cell phone, I also got reacquainted with my Wii Fit on Saturday. It was surprisingly gentle about my extended absence (24 days), but I did note some sarcasm when I first stepped on the balance board. You know how it says, “Oh?” I could have sworn mine said something closer to “Whoa.” Like, “Whoa, what’s up, Krispy Kreme?” Whatever.

Earmark of a good Saturday: Your son calls from the bathroom, “Mum! I have diarrhea. Come wipe my butt.”

Oh, gee, can I?

Our 4th of July was alright. I spent most of the first part of the day rolling around and moaning. I had a horrible headache and allergies, but once I got my act together we went to a picnic/graduation party for a cousin of mine. The baby joined a game of wiffle ball and I got pretty happy about the fact that he felt comfortable just playing with some kids he didn’t know. I could never do that when I was a kid. Hell, I can’t do that now.

We stopped by the mother-in-law’s house and tried to figure out where to go to see fireworks. The sister-in-law got a text message from her friend, Maria, and we remembered that she lives on the South Side Slopes with an amazing view of downtown. We sped over there and when we stepped onto one of her THREE decks we saw:

Pretty, no?

The fireworks themselves were kind of meh. I kept trying to take pictures but my little digital camera really isn’t up for low-light and long exposures. I got a few alright shots, though:

When we got home, the husband and I watched Assassin of Youth. When Incredibly Strange Video was going out of business, I bought a bunch of campy old drive-in movies about young women with loose morals and a few movies about the devil reefers. They’re kind of entertaining, but they get tedious after awhile. Plus, it’s just downright infuriating that people still kind of think that way.

And obviously the depiction of high school life in the late 30s, before the word “teenager” really existed to describe people of that age group, is somewhat exaggerated. But imagining a life where listening to 78s and doing the Charleston was the general idea of a wild Saturday night was kind of depressing.

Also, these movies were made purely for the propaganda/shock factor, so there wasn’t a whole lot of time to worry about the plot making sense.

In a similar vein, we watched most of Brazil on Thursday night. I really, really wish I could psychotically love that movie the way everyone else does. But it’s just SO weird. Everyone and everything in that movie makes me feel vaguely sick and it reminds of some long not-quite-terrifying nightmare I would have had as a kid. The soundtrack does kick ass, though.

I am in serious need of some levity today (is that a contradiction?), so in honor of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs and the subsequent hilarious responses, I give you my top 15 conservative songs:

1. The Beatles “Norwegian Wood” – The line “Isn’t it good, Norwegian wood?” refers to the glorious benefits of a global market and the commercial opportunities afforded to us by imports and free trade. Look for Ringo Starr’s follow-up anthem for Ikea, “Swedish Particleboard.”

2. The Rolling Stones “Start Me Up” – This song was written to celebrate the release of Windows 95 and the overall capitalist success of Microsoft. Only in America!

3. The Beach Boys “God Only Knows” – “God only knows what I’d be without you,” is a sweet ode to The Creator’s omnipotence and psychic powers.

4. U2 “Sunday Bloody Sunday” – In the line, “How long? How long must we sing this song?” Bono expresses his exasperation with singing such liberal anthems.

5. The Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the U.K.” – The call for anarchy is obviously sarcasm. This song is actually just a call for an end to big government.

6. Metallica “One” – “Fed through the tube that sticks in me/Just like a wartime novelty/Tied to machines that make me be/Cut this life off from me” speaks to the glory of dying on the battlefield…er, well, almost dying on the battlefield.

7. The Kinks “Lola” – “I pushed her away/I walked to the door/I fell to the floor/I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me” refers to the physical altercation that always ensues when a manly man realizes that the chick he’s been macking on is actually a dude. It happens to the best of us.

8. Bob Dylan “Masters of War” – In the line, “You fasten the triggers/For the others to fire/Then you set back and watch/When the death count gets higher” Dylan acknowledges the fact that those who are drawn to politics aren’t that great with all of the killing and stuff and that it’s better left to people who are more predisposed to rage…like pissy broke people.

9. The Pretenders “Brass in Pocket” – The title line is an homage to how it’s better to have money than to not have money and those who do not have money should get some so that they won’t be poor anymore and then they can stop whining about being hungry all the time.

10. David Bowie “Suffragette City” – A plaintive song about how women gaining the right to vote directly led to men refusing to help their buddies in favor of shagging.

11. Ben Folds Five “Song for the Dumped” – Folds rails against welfare queens when he screams, “Give me my money back, you bitch!”

12. Led Zeppelin “Stairway to Heaven” – Proof that God is a capitalist: “And she’s buying a stairway to heaven/And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed/With a word she can get what she came for.” THERE ARE STORES IN HEAVEN! We can shop ’til we die and then just keep shopping!

13. Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha” – The obvious lesson from this song is that good ol’, healthy American competition gives us all character…and results in hotter chicks who will fight and/or make out to attract men with five brain cells. Everyone wins!

14. Chumbawamba “Tubthumping” – Sure, the band members are all anarchists and anti-corporate, but you can’t miss the Horatio Alger pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps of “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.”

15. Jimi Hendrix “Purple Haze” – When he sings (I think), “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy!” Hendrix is apologizing for his homosexuality because he knows it threatens my marriage.

Bonus: Heidi Montag “Higher” – The song is being considered as the new theme for No Child Left Behind.

We saw WALL-E yesterday and I have to say that if you are generally not prone to believing the hype, you really should gobble this movie’s hype up.

I guess if you wanted to put a cutesy tag to WALL-E, I would describe it as 2001 for the grade school set…and for adults who “don’t get” 2001. The references are pretty hard to miss. There’s very little dialogue, they use some of the same music, plus the whole concept of the movie borrows heavily from 2001: a history of man on earth and in space, man’s rebirth and new history. And of course there’s the ship’s autopilot, who is very obviously HAL in a new outfit.

I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

I’ve seen similar themes in a lot of popular culture recently (see also: Idiocracy and Joe Rogan Live just to name two). I think/hope that many people are starting to question our future, much in the same way that the humans aboard the Axiom suddenly realize that there’s a whole galaxy beyond their communication screens and a planet that they abused and then abandoned at the command of a giant, monolithic corporation/government. What will become of our home, how much is fate, how much do we have control over? And what will become of us? Is there hope for our species? Or are we merely cycling around again? Maybe we’ll devolve until we’ve forgotten everything and then we’ll reset or re-evolve and rediscover the earth.

At the risk of sounding totally hokey and all like, “Let me introduce you to my magical healing crystals that I bought on Amazon!” I honestly feel like big things are going to start happening. I know part of this is watching too many nerd shows about Mayan prophecy and shit. Or maybe it’s a tiny sprout of optimism that hopes that it’s not too late.

I’m mostly recovered from yesterday’s nonsense, though my feet still resemble raw meat loaf and are therefore still tender. It helps that it is absolutely gorgeous outside today. I walked over to the little La Prima stand on campus to buy a latte as a Friday treat and took my time getting back to the office so that I could enjoy the morning a little.

Jive Turkey commented on one of my wedding photos on flickr, and I just noticed two years after the fact that my eyes appear to be looking in two different directions. I’m looking a little “touched.”

And actually that might explain why I watched not one, but TWO episodes of My Big Redneck Wedding on fucking Country Music Television last night. I’m not sure what came over me. I guess I was just so pissy that I needed to gawk at some people who are too stupid to realize when they’re being mocked and Tom Arnold is quite possibly the most useless human being ever, so it worked out pretty well.

However, I’m still traumatized from seeing the “kiss” that this couple exchanged in which I saw two tongues flapping wildly at each other before disappearing into a sucking motion that could give my Dyson a run for its money. Ah, to be 18 and terrible at kissing.

But the bride was truly a model for thrifty weddings, since she decorated the reception venue entirely with quilts and bought all of the wedding party’s clothes in the hunting section of Wal-Mart. Hey, whatever, so long as those two crazy kids are married and happy at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

Ahem. Anyway. The sister-in-law is having her graduation party tomorrow and she and I came up with the idea of having a cupcake potluck. Her friends are making somewhere in the neighborhood of four dozen cupcakes and she and I are going to make about four dozen, as well. That equals…an assload of cupcakes.

And because it’s Friday:

We watched Funny Games last night, which turned out to be a really interesting choice as the clock ticked past midnight and it became Father’s Day. Funny Games is a shot-for-shot remake of the Austrian original from 1997.

Another interesting thing about Funny Games is that it is quite possibly the must fucked up movie ever. I felt completely disturbed when it was over and am contemplating never leaving the city ever again.

What made our viewing even weirder was that the husband happened to look out the window and notice that this intense fog had descended on our neighborhood. But not like nice misty fog, dense soggy fog. Like The Fog. I tried to take some pictures of it but my camera isn’t really made for taking very low light pictures. You can kind of get the idea, though.

The husband ran his fingers up and down the screen to show that it was completely soaked.

I did not take this picture through the screen. Those are droplets of fog all around me. Check out the glow from the streetlight.

Dark and creepy street view.

Anyway, Happy Father’s Day to those of who are of the paternal persuasion. The baby and I gave the husband some fancy facial scrub and lotion hoping to remedy his dry, flaky skin situation. I’ll make a metrosexual out of him yet!

Ah, Monday. What a dick this day is.

Internets, I don’t mind telling you that I had a rather lovely and restful weekend. On Saturday morning, we took the baby to tee-ball and were happy to sit in some shaded bleachers. The moms in front of us provided the entertainment by talking in hushed tones about their psychic, who told one mom that she saw a flooded basement in the future. There was much gasping when that mom revealed that not six weeks later, there was some heavy rain (in Pittsburgh of all places!) and her brother’s girlfriend’s roommate’s dog’s basement flooded. Freaky, right?

After tee-ball, the husband went to work and the baby and I pretty much just relaxed the rest of the day. We put in some quality time with the Wii.

When the husband came home from work, we walked to the main boulevard. We passed some honeysuckle and the smell was intoxicating. The husband helped me to drink a drop of honeysuckle water and I finally believed that summer was here. We stopped into the state store so that I could gather the materials necessary to quench my craving for chilled white wine. Then we got some ice cream and practically skipped home, it was all so la-di-da.

Sunday morning, I rolled out of bed and rustled the family together. We go to the tee-ball field and were dismayed to see that no one was there. Alas, it was Junior Pirates day at PNC Park. But we had no desire to sit at the ballpark on a 90+ degree day, so we just went home. We ate some breakfast on the porch and just sat out there for a few hours, reading and enjoying the lovely day. Later, we went over to my mother-in-law’s house where I spent at least 3 hours drifting around on a raft in the pool. And I didn’t even get sunburned.

I love summer.

The husband noted that over the weekend, we watched three movies, all of which were about someone(s) being held captive: Turistas, Black Snake Moan, and An American Crime.

Turistas was just rather stupid, I fell asleep halfway through Black Snake Moan but what I saw of it was pretty meh. It also made me want to take a shower really badly. An American Crime was complicated. I felt that the way the story was presented, with the victim as the first-person, posthumous, omniscient narrator was tacky. Of course, Ellen Page and Catherine Keener are amazing no matter what they do and it was a very blunt way of showing how abuse can turn even its victims into monsters, thus continuing the cycle, but that often the people who say nothing in a situation like that are almost as disgusting as the abusers themselves. Obviously, since it was based on a true story, it was really depressing and there were more than a few moments where I had to emotionally distance myself from what I was watching. Otherwise, I would have had some kind of breakdown.

Ahem. Anyway. On Wednesday, the baby will finish up kindergarten and I will officially be the mother of a first-grader. Oh my holy hell.