kdiddy.org

-woke up, relieved that my son had slept through the night…oh, I should preface this by saying that yesterday he was sick as hell. We spent a good part of the day at the doctor's and were *this* close to taking him to the hospital for dehydration. The official diagnoses were strep throat and a bonus intestinal virus. He threw up on me at least five times and scared me to death because he was so listless and out of it and just not himself. Poor baby. 🙁 anyway

-tried to get my son to eat some stuff, failed, tried to get him to drink some Pedialyte, succeeded. yay.

-took him into the computer room to check email, listen to music, probably get him to go back to sleep.

-he started acting weird and promptly threw up all of the Pedialyte he had just drank

-went upstairs, got cleaned up, called the doctor. They told me to bring him back in.

-noticed that I was not feeling well, either, and spent some time in the bathroom. (turns out I'm fine, just ate something weird last night I suppose.)

-The baby fell asleep for an hour or two

-watched the goofy wedding show on TLC while waiting for my stomach to settle down.

-once again cancelled dinner plans with Tricia and Trout. ergh.

-rummaged around in the basement for clothes since everything else had puke on it and I haven't had a chance to do laundry yet.

-fit nicely into a skirt that I got five years ago. I won't be obnoxious and mention the size, but it's much smaller than the size I was wearing a few months ago. yippee.

-went to the doctor's and was relieved that the baby seemed to be feeling better
ergh more later

What would you do if a good friend's ex-girlfriend was trying to win you over, so to speak? Let's say she was sending you gushing emails that are all in all very nice and probably harmless but reeking with post-relationship insecurity and “I-need-to-spill-my-guts-to-someone-about-all-the-unsavory-details-of-our-relationship/sex life/breakup-and-convince-you-that-he's-evil.” Let's also say that this made you feel a tad uncomfortable.
Thoughts…

I received my diploma and official transcript from Pitt in the mail yesterday. I know that in this day and age the “pigskin” is really only a formality. Yet there is still something extremely gratifying to look at that piece of paper and to know that I've accomplished something that many people, including myself, never thought that I would do.
I pored over my transcript, beaming at the A's and cringing at the C's and D's (bad semester my sophomore year). I noticed the dramatic upward shift in my grades around the time that my son was born. It's an interesting phenomenon.
Five years, over 40 classes, countless hours of hard work, a few nervous breakdowns, three boyfriends and one son…I did it all. I finished college.
I'm not sure what path my life is going to take now. I'm pretty sure that I want grad school to be in my future. I just wanted to post to this community about this special occasion. I hope that this post can be a source of encouragement for all of you who are trying to get there and have moments when you're not sure it can possibly work. Just keep doing it.

Okay, things have calmed down a little bit. I picked up the baby and started just walking around with him, which got him to stop crying. Then I sat down in the rocking chair and just picked up “Fast Food Nation” and started reading it to him. He fell asleep almost immediately. Who knew that hearing the ingredients of Burger King's strawberry milkshakes would be so soothing?
It sounds like I'm talking about a newborn. cripes. I hope he feels better soon. I keep having this horrible fantasies of going to the doctor's and them whisking him away to the hospital and telling me that I'm an unfit mother.
I'm going to go get a shower, clean the puke and snot off of me.

My son is sick. Since I'm such a nice mom and wanted to teach him a valuable lesson about sharing, I gave him my cold from this weekend. I actually still have the cold a little bit, so it truly is sharing! I'm like Mr. fucking Rogers!
For the past two days, his nose has been running, he's been coughing, he's had a fever of at least 101, he hasn't eaten a thing, he's been crying constantly, PLUS this morning he threw up and had diarrhea. He has his 18-month check up this afternoon, which is good because I'm at the end of my rope.
Right now, I'm sitting here at the computer crying and he's sitting in the living room crying.
If I can procure a gun I will first shoot the boyfriend for whining like a little eight-year-old bitch about being tired when I woke him up this morning to help me clean up baby puke.
Then a random shooting spree.
Then I will shoot myself.

I'm bored and kind of tired. I'm going to fill out this old survey that none of you will read…because I told you not to. Bow to me.

last cigarette: awhile ago. I was drinking. I hate smoking now but sometimes in intoxicated states they're tempting.
last car ride: last night coming home from the movie theatre
last kiss: this morning as the boyfriend was leaving
last good cry: Probably when I failed my driving test. I don't know if I'd call it “good,” more like embarassingly hysterical and childlike
last library book: something about Communism that I got out of Hillman for the boyfriend's little sister.
last movie seen: The Italian Job
last book read: finished: Keeping Women and Children Last. current: Fast Food Nation.
last cuss word uttered: shit?
last beverage drank: Diet Vanilla Coke
last food consumed: a peanut chew. I was craving a little bit of candy. I still am, actually.
last crush: the boyfriend
last phone call: my mom at work.
last TV show watched: Cheaters.
last time showered: this morning.
last shoes worn: My New Balances that are starting to get a little ratty.
last cd played: Tricky – Maxinquaye
last item bought: postage stamps
last annoyance: the huge fly that snuck into the house while I was trying to get the stroller containing my sleeping son into the house.
last disappointment: not getting kissed last night.
last soda drank: Diet Vanilla Coke
last thing written: On the computer, a journal entry. On paper, some Father's Day cards.
last key used: delete
last word spoken: go
last sleep: 8 hours ago
last im: currently taking place with Kelly Downlow
last sexual fantasy: It was a few seconds ago..
last weird encounter: On the way to the post office I encountered a grown woman with a stroller full of baby dolls. She was dining al fresco at a restaurant on Liberty Ave. I passed her twice and as far as I could tell she did not have a child with her. She just had a stroller of baby dolls.
last ice cream eaten: Probably a Healthy Choice fudge bar.
last time amused: The baby babbling about “Dada” and stuff at the post office this afternoon
last time wanting to die: Friday night/Saturday morning…bad head cold and pseudoephedrine high.
last time in love: currently in love.
last time hugged: last night.
last time scolded: yesterday by my mother for putting a half empty can of Pediasure in the fridge and forgetting about it.
last time resentful: while walking to the post office this afternoon…thinking about people in general.
last chair sat in: this one, the Darth Vader chair.
last lipstick used: Saturday night for the post-gay show. It was a bad idea, though. My lips are dryer and more chapped than usual since I've only been able to breathe through my mouth over the past few days. it looked like shite.
last underwear worn: these ones. they're blue.
last shirt worn: this one. my mom bought it for me in New Orleans.
last time dancing: Friday night at Flux with my son. The hipsters were amused.
last poster looked at: hmmm, probably something in a store window during my walk.
last show attended: does the music that I was ignoring at Flux count?
last webpage visited: Paco's blog. He doesn't update nearly enough.
1 MINUTE AGO: typed “does the music that I was ignoring at Flux count?”

1 HOUR AGO: I was sitting here wolfing down some lunch.
1 DAY AGO: doing laundry, watching “Four Weddings and a Funeral”
1 WEEK AGO: freaking out about job search.
1 YEAR AGO: moving to Oakmonth and getting really depressed about it.
I HURT: in my back, a little bit.
I LOVE: the boyfriend, the baby, my family, most of my friends ;-p
I HATE: the way I beat myself up and convince myself that I'm a failure.
I FEAR: a few irrational things, a few practical things, my son being hurt.
I HOPE: that I am a good mother, that things will work out the way that we're hoping.
I FEEL: a little tired, a tiny bit sick
I HIDE: behind trees
I DRIVE: everyone crazy.
I MISS: today I was missing that feeling that I used to get at the beginning of the summer. You know, when you were a teenager and the summer seemed so full of possibilities for romance or nights sitting out and having great conversations. I still have it but not to that extent.
I LEARNED: there isn't a day that goes by that I don't learn *something*.
I NEED: a job, to get over my insecurities.
I KNOW: not much
-current clothes: purple bowling shirt, blue jeans, tube socks, underwear…you know, the usual.
-current mood: tired, full.
-current music: nothing
-current taste: mix of a Healthy Choice meal, some candy and some Diet Vanilla Coke.
-current hair: retarded little ponytail, big chunk hanging out on the left, red, sweaty.
-current annoyance: by birth control pills.
-current smell: I'm still a little stuffed up. Can't smell too much.
-current thing I should be doing: napping or looking for a job.
-current desktop picture: Akil as a little kid.
-current refreshment: nothing
-current worry: life shit
—Body—
-1. What do you most like about your body?: I don't have just one part. Thinking about it, I really like looking at it everyday and recognizing how it's changed and what it's done. I can't believe that this body grew a baby, was stretched to the limit, was cut open, healed, and produced enough milk to nourish my son for over a year. I think that's so awesome.
-2. And least?: I don't really obsess over my body in this manner. For practical reasons, the size of my breasts bothers me from time to time. They bother my upper back and shoulders sometimes.
-3. How many fillings do you have?: 4? I don't really know.
-4. Do you think you're good looking?: sure.
-5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? every once in awhile, yeah.
-6. Do you look like any celebrities?: I've heard that I look like Tilda Swinton but I don't really see it. Other than that I don't think so.

I'll just skip to Saturday night.
The boyfriend, Akil and I went to Garfield Artworks for this art show that Ed Um was participating in. Akil was going to be DJing and Ed Um was excited about his artwork which he described as “post-gay.” Post-gay is basically attempts at wittiness via photographs of naked guys with big dicks covered in blood and doing random things. Some of them were kind of funny but overall it was just kind of boring. I may not be the best source of opinion on this, though, since I was still pretty sick and irritated.
We stood outside for a little while and the boyfriend ran into this guy, John, who he had gone to grade/middle school with. John was on his way to some other artsy event but decided to check out the post-gay pictures first. He then produced the quote of the evening: “Hey, if I go in there to look at the pictures of dicks will you watch my accordion?”

Yeah.
The rest of the show was pretty uneventful, save for some “Over the Top” esque arm-wrestling.
We dropped off Akil and Jwan, went home and put the baby to bed. We walked up to Akil and Jwan's house to visit. I think our original plan was to watch a movie but we never got around to that. Akil came home from some place drunk, of course, and started being antagonistic, of course. After smashing a laptop and throwing some shoes around he called Ed Um and the conversation went something like this:
Akil: HEY!…Who's this?…Jay?…Jay what? Jay-Hovah?…Where's Ed?…I'm coming over there and I'm going to beat the shit out of you!
So he left, but called my cell phone a few minutes later to let us know that there was “alcohol and drinking” at Ed's. We were about to go over when Akil showed up, soaking wet with vodka that someone had thrown on him. He had not found Jay-hovah but the party had broken up because everyone was going to a gay bar.
Akil spent the rest of the night fondling some big bottle of crap rum that he found in his freezer and screaming at me to buy a pizza.
Sunday was pretty downtempo, despite the baby being a teething monster. Last night, after a historic battle trying to get the baby to go to bed, the boyfriend, Akil, Jwan, Hoss and I went to see “The Italian Job.” It was okay, better than most summer blockbusters but still a little fluffy. Shawn Fanning's cameo was pretty amusing.
I had way more stuff to write about but since I had to keep delaying this post it's all gone now. weep.
Other random things: fuck birth control pills. I've started receiving Delia's catalogs in the mail. I'm confused by this because a) I'm 24 and sort of out of their market and b) I haven't purchased anything from them in about 5 or 6 years.

So we stayed at Flux for a little while until the baby seemed like he was getting really tired. After the short trek home I put the baby to bed and waited for my mom to get back from some bar that she went to with her cousin. The boyfriend and I had been planning on going to either Sauce or the Shadow Lounge, possibly both but I wasn't sure what to do. My cold (which at the time I thought was really bad allergies) was getting worse and the Claritin that I had taken was really starting to make me feel strange. Plus, I wasn't sure when my mom would be home. I told the boyfriend to go ahead without me. Apparently I didn't miss much.
However, Claritin has pseudoephedrine in it and that stuff is just messed up. I had not eaten much at all that day but couldn't bring myself to eat anything. It's a pretty effective appetite suppressant that's used in diet pills. It was also making me really wired. I stayed up until 4:30 watching TV and trying to get tired. It had given me the shakes and my heart was beating pretty fast so I was not feeling too great. The shows that I was watching weren't helping either. I watched some crap on the Discovery Health Channel and then was relegated to whatever random stuff is on in the middle of the night, namely the new season of the Real World (ugh) and 9 1/2 Weeks aka The Dumbest Movie Ever Made.

OH MY GOD. Fuck. Maybe someday the twats that I live with will allow me to finish this journal entry.

I've had a busy weekend and managed to do it all with $5. I rock.
Friday night was Flux(clicky) which was so-so. It was held a few feet from my house at the old parking garage of St. Francis Hospital, which is set to be demolished tomorrow. I think this was the tenth Flux that's happened, but this was the first time I've attended. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but Flux didn't deliver. What was good: the amazing view of the city from the roof of the garage. I took some great pictures. What was bad or not-so-great: everything else. No, it wasn't all that bad. The art was just very been-there-done-that and the music was all local bands and DJs that, in my opinion, don't really have that novelty shine anymore. But again, I'm not going to pretend that I would have had any better ideas. One part that was really pointless was this performance art piece that basically consisted of ten or twelve white people acting all tribal and Lord of the Flies. They danced around wearing garbage bags and waving tiki torches, all the while wearing these very serious “We're-artists-and-we're-out-of-control” expressions on their faces.

…crap. never a moment's peace. more later

I'm so out of it. My head feels like it's detached from my body. Fuck sickness. I have much to tell, but not enough energy to type at the moment.
Sorry.
If someone would be willing to come over to my house, make me some chicken noodle soup and rub my head I would be soooo grateful.
sniff.