kdiddy.org

I had a dream the night before last that I moved back to Shady Forbes Terrace, but that some of the houses had been torn down and replaced with three-story houses. Liz Janco, or some representation of her, was sitting on the porch telling me how the terrace has changed. She pointed to one of the three-story houses and told me that a Puerto Rican family lived there and that 17 of them occupied the house all at once. Why am I having racist dreams? What the fuck is that all about?
I had a rather amusing dream last night but of course I've forgotten it.

One thing that I must do every morning (after I check my email, of course) is go to www.imdb.com and read the celebrity gossip column and check out the celebrity birthdays. I honestly don't know why. All of the gossip sounds completely fabricated and trivial. For instance, one of today's juicy bits was that Nicole Kidman's hands at the Golden Globes looked like she has been doing dishes all her life.
Another thing that I do every Tuesday and Friday is the AIM Rate-a-Buddy bullshit. Occasionally, one of the girls strikes me as being decent but I hate all of the guys. I think I just hate anyone who would seriously put their picture up to be rated in the hopes that someone might think “Hey I'd like to have sex with that person!”
Other random thoughts:
I'm sick of the U.S.
The job that I was vying for went to another person. I'm discouraged.

Major things that need to happen:
1) Get a motherfucking job.
I'm working on this one, seriously. I'm just sick of being in my financial situation. Everyone says, “Enjoy it while you can.” However, outside of spending ample time with my son (which is awesome, I admit), I don't see what's so enjoyable about being 24 and being an unemployed loser.
2) Get my driver's license.
This is very close to happening. My driving lessons got a little screwed up with my recent bout with Norwalk virus but hopefully I'll be taking the test before the end of the month. I imagine it will also help with #1.
3) Lose weight.
Yeah, I may be buying into societal bullshit but that doesn't change the fact that none of my clothes fit. I can't buy new clothes due to #1. Plus, I can't really use the “I just had a baby” excuse now that he's over a year old.
4) Get a haircut.
My shit's way too shaggy.
5) Work on day care for baby.
I'm not sure how this is all going to play out…much of it depends on #1 and how soon things happen there.
6) Organize my crap.
Of course, if UPMC buys our house to demolish and make way for the humongous Children's Hospital then I might as well just leave everything as it is so I can just sweep it into boxes.
I think that's it for now.

I'm considering taking a few of these pills because I have a headache and I'm curious to remember what it feels like to drift off into sleep, slightly against my will.
I came downstairs, away from the toasty warmth of my goose down comforter in search of a cookie given to my son at Eat N Park tonight. However, my dear friend seems to have taken all of the leftovers home with her. No matter. I shall have to kill her later.
Of course, you may be wondering why I was going to gank my son's cookie. Well, I'll tell you…HE HAS NO MOLARS! No, not a horrible accident, he is only a year old. His chewing skills are not up to par. While I won't mind if he indulges in the occasional cookie or two when he does have molars, I most certainly will mind if he chokes to death on one before he has molars. I am Mommie Dearest, aren't I?
Gosh, I'm tired.

I insisted to the BF last night that I haven't been using this journal and I honestly haven't been.
However…it got me thinking.
I'm trying to work out this article I'm writing for Pulp. I'm very nervous about it. I want it to be good…I'm afraid I'll just sound like a dork and they will burn me in effigy (did I spell that right?).

I need a makeover

It's becoming very obvious to me now that most of the people that I considered to be good friends of mine are no longer so. I haven't talked to Frank in weeks and when we have spoken things have felt very strained. I don't like talking to Paco because it's not that I don't understand being depressed…I've been there plenty of times but being so full of self-pity and not even trying to recognize that you don't have it so hard really pisses me off. It pisses me off when I feel that way or when anyone else feels that way. Jonah I can still kind of talk to…
I hate the fact that they're so fickle. They don't like me because of BF, having Baby, not being able to drink, and living out here in bumfuck. What a bunch of useless alcoholics. Why do I care?
It's amazing out of all of the people I know Stacey is the only one I can depend on. I want to move out of this city. I want to start over somewhere else.
I hate having my period.

I again stole one of Tricia's surveys. I need to start using this thing more often and I needed something to get the ball rolling. Thanks Tricia!

1. List 5 adjectives that describe yourself:
a. insecure
b. pissy
c. shy
d. funny
e. artsy fartsy

2. List 5 titles that describe yourself:
a. mother
b. daughter
c. student
d. girlfriend
e. friend

3. List 4 goals you have in life:
a. graduate
b. financial independence
c. accomplish something artsy fartsy
d. the biggest one: be the best mom I can

4. List 3 fears you have:
a. being unloved/alone
b. being murdered
c. fucking up with someone I care about

5. List 3 faults you have:
a. I don't think I'm worth it
b. critical
c. needy

What are your beliefs on:
6. Abortion? pro-choice. I don't even want to argue about it anymore. Anti-choice people make me so fucking angry. It's not even that I disrespect their opinion. If they think abortion is wrong that's fine, I don't see why that should affect the rest of us.
7. God? I believe in something. I don't identify with a religion, I think they're frivolous. In general I don't really worry about it…it's just something that I know is there.
8. Euthanasia? for it.
9. Contraception? fuck yeah, I'm for it
10. Homosexuality? yeah, for it as well…I can't believe that it's still an issue
11. Interracial dating? same as above. my grandmother really pissed me off one time when she said she's not racist but she doesn't think blacks and whites (or whatever) should “mix”. If they have children it's hard on them. the children that seem the least deserving will always be teased mercilessly, biracial or whatever. If people find true love in someone, it shouldn't matter what they look like.
12. Sex before marriage? yeah, dood. I hate Puritanical values. I think we should erase them from our collective conciousness and start fresh.

13. Name 3 things that irritate you:
a. I can't think of a single thing that doesn't or won't irritate me at some point.
b.
c.

14. List 5 things you look for in a mate:
a. bleeding heart liberal
b. artsy fartsy
c. craves knowledge
d. is sweet to me
e. dorky

15. If you wanted to, list 3 things you would change about yourself:
a. lose weight/get healthy again
b. get rid of my insecurity…at least most of it/tell those deserving of it to fuck off
c. stop being lazy over dumb shit

16. Name someone who you admire in your life and give a brief reason why: my Baby. He's been able to make a huge part of my life so wonderful just by existing. That may sound cheesy but it's true.

17. Name someone who has influenced your life greatly: ahhhh, I don't know

18. Do you want children, and if so, how many? I already got one and yeah, I want him. I think I want one more but I'm not worrying about it for awhile.

19. What is your philosophy in life? I don't have anything really thought out but I suppose something along the lines of “chill out, asshole”

20. List 3 things/hobbies you would like to learn:
a. speak a foreign language fluently
b. photography
c. argue effectively

21. What is your first thought when you wake up in the morning? ugghhhhhhhhh

I know no one reads this journal so I'm going to follow Tricia's lead and take one of those goofy surveys. It's freaking long.

1.Do you like having your picture taken? Yeah, I would say that I do.
2.Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non? Yeah, senior year of high school, 17 magazine school zone…and school pics of course
3.If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? I think about that alot and it changes everyday. Most recently it's been Egypt.
4.Who would you take with you on this little adventure? Baby and maybe BF but he might be too irritating.
5.What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? Say “Fuck it” and do what truly makes you happy.
6.Would you ever do that? I hope so…
7.Have you ever done crossword puzzles? yes
8.Ever actually completed one? Yes
9.Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it. The closest book was a dictionary but I didn't think that would really count…”In its positive aims, however, this form of Socialism aspires either to restoring the old means of production and of exchange, and with them the old property relations, and the old society, or to cramping the modern means of production and ofexchange, within the framework of the old property relations that have been, and were bound to be, exploded by these means.”
10.Do the same with a lyric from either a cd or the radio. “Martha, Martha, I love you can't you see?”
11.Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? Yeah
12.Would you put up posters in your room? Yes, but I hesitate because I think I outgrow them.
13.Can you sing? Ha. No.
14.Do you ever sing to yourself while doing everyday tasks? Yeah but then I get embarrassed, I'm not sure why.
15.What's your favorite color of post-it note? neon green
16.How many cassette tapes do you own? Hmmm…probably around 40
17.How many cd's do you own? 300?
18.Ever bought a cd for just one song? Yes
19.What would your perfect day consist of? Sleeping in just enough to wake up feeling refreshed, getting one great email, a good breakfast and coffee, Baby not crying once and going to bed early, sex.
20.Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone on line? Yeah.
21.Have you ever written a survey? no
22.How about a song? If so share it. no
23.Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them. I have but I don't have them save anywhere around here. And I'm not making one up on the spot because I hate writing poetry.
24.Is your vcr flashing 12:00 all the time? no

25.Do you read your horoscope? Occasionally but I generally hate horoscopes
26.If so, do you base your day on it? Ha. no.
27.Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash and why? Mouthwash. I guess I have an oral fixation but I will fucking chew gum way past any appropriate point. I've actually gotten headaches from it.
28.Do you floss? Occasionally
29.Are you addicted to napster like me? Um, I was but Napster's defunct.
30.How many times a year about are you sick? 4 or 5
31.Ever been in an airplane? just a few times
32.If so where were you flying to? Pittsburgh, Richmond, Bermuda
33.What radio station to you listen to most? eh, none of them really. I should listen to NPR though. I feel as though I'm flunking as a Liberal.
34.What color are your shoes? white and grey
35.Was fuzzy wuzzy a bear? Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman.
36.Do you know how to play dominos? nope
37.Or do you think I just mean pizza by that? shut up.
38.Speaking of pizza, what's your favorite kind? green peppers and onions from any independent pizzeria because their pizza will always be better than a chain and they won't rip you off.
39.What color are your eyes? blue
40.How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? a couple
41.Describe your bedroom, include all details. Little girl details (flowery wallpaper, oak bedroom set with flower detailing, dollhouse, dolls) clothes that haven't fit me in years, tons of old shit and bags that haven't been unpacked yet.
42.Name one person your life is made better by. Baby
43.Would you or have you ever shaven your head? No and no.
44.How about someone else's? Haven't, would.
45.Can you do math with ease? arithmetic yes. Anything above that, no
46.What size is your computer screen? 17 (I think)
47.If you could only talk to one person online who would that be? Maxwell
48.Name your favorite type of music and why. I don't have one and I despise that question.
49.Are you a vegetarian? I was. I may become one again…but meat is tasty.
50.How about an aspiring actor/actress? never seriously
51.What famous person dead or alive would you interview if you had the chance? If I could get a truth serum I would interview BF. He's not nationally famous but I want to pick his brain about some shit.
52.Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? Almost every movie I've seen and enjoyed.
53.Name one your passions in life. Baby, art.
54.What's your least favorite time of day? When I want to go to sleep and really can't.
55.Who's your favorite member in a band, singer, guiter, bass, drummer, and why? Bass. They always manage to look sexy…Novoselic might be the exception to that rule but he was at least entertaining to watch.
56.Do you use hairspray or gel? gel, but mainly nothing, I'm lazy like that.
57.Describe your favorite meal. anything I've made myself and others will give me props for making.
58.What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? black and red blotches. Christ, that sounds awful.
59.Ever listen to classical music? Yeah.
60.Have you ever said lol in real life without thinking about it? Ha. no. but I'm sure it will happen the less human contact I have.
61.Do you find you use internet language when writing notes irl? I don't think I write notes in real life.
62.What songs would be on your ideal cd? Fucking Dumb Question
63.Say one thing you've learned today. How to build a yacht.
64.What is the best present you've ever given someone else? The picture of me and my dad when I was little that I gave to my dad a couple of father's days ago.
65.What is the best present someone else has ever given to you? Baby. He's given me the more joy than my heart can handle every day in the tiniest things he does…and he doesn't even realize it.
66.So hey, what's your full name? Kelly Bridget
67.Describe yourself while drunk. Open and loud.
68.How big are the windows in your house? Medium
69.Do you wear a watch? I used to all the time but the battery died…I have to get that fixed that's a nice ass watch.
70.What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with someone else? sex outside…I don't know if that was kinky or just really stupid because we were drunk and stumbling around Highland Park at 4 am.
71.What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated? I think only two years.
72.How many mirrors do you have? a couple.
73.Write one sentence stating what you want people to say about you after you've passed on. She was a better person than she thought she was.
74.Have you ever sailed? yeah
75.How fast can you run? Not very, I've never used running as an exercise.
76.What do you believe in? artsy fartsy liberal qualities
77.How long does it take you to get ready to go out? everyday, including baby stuff, 2 hours. formal event 2 1/2 hours
78.Do you shower daily? If not how often? Daily for the most part. every now and then I skip a day.
79.What one thing would you change in your life if you had the power to do so? To feel more in control.
80.Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it. Stopping time. Get A's on all of my tests and make some good moments last just a touch longer…not forever though.
81.Are candles romantic or a fire hazard? romantic
82.Name something you've done in the last 24hrs no matter how big or small. Sighed.
83.Do you wear necklaces, bracelets, anklets, earrings. rings? Not everyday. Just not my style. I do wear one ring though…a Claddagh ring.
84.What colors are you wearing right now? green, blue, white.
85.How often do you change the sheets on your bed? every week–every 2 weeks
86.Have you ever gotten lost? Yeah
87.What's on your computer desk? disks, bills, baby monitor, stapler
88.How many folders are on your desktop at the present moment? 4
89.When your talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? yeah, but not in a serious manner. I'm not a total twat.
90.Which landmark would you climb if you could? those Inca pyramids.
91.Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? Yeah, stuff my grandmother has bought for me. They're total shite.
92.Ever seriously questioned your sanity? of course.
93.Can you breakdance? nope
94.What's in your fridge right now? beverages, baby food, leftovers, turkey breast.
95.How many people do you live with? 2
96.Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area? I have. I don't know if I would again.
97.What is the strangest thing you've ever done? uhhhh…stayed up late feeling sorry for myself and filling out surveys to fill the void in my life…?
98.Name an instrument you've never played but would like to. cello
99.Have you ever been on tv or the radio? yeah
100.What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you? disrespect me. forget me.
101.Are you a fast typer? i'm decent.
102.How high have you counted before getting bored? I don't know, it's been a long time since I just counted. I like doing multiplication and number patterns
103.Describe how you sleep. (ie. your position and/or how you fall asleep) on my side with one knee bent and that foot sickled.
104.Are you straight, bi, gay? straight
105.Do you ever do something else while on the computer? If so what? tv, music
106.What is the most expensive item you own? I don't know. honestly.
107.How about the least expensive? fuck if i know
108.What's your favorite card game to play? spider solitaire
109.What do you do online? read email, chat, look at imdb, surf, dl.
110.Name some stores you've bought clothes in before. gap, pac sun, ann taylor, random ones, old navy, abercrombie and fitch (yes I'm ashamed)
111.Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? The Catcher in the Rye because I read it when I was young and not really knowing how to understand a book like that.
112.Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Holy Mountain…several selections from Incredibly Strange Video.
113.Do people pick up your slang language more than you pick up theres? I'd say it's equal.
114.Are you easily influenced by other people, or currant trends? Not really
115.What makes you unique in your own opinion? strength through weakness.
116.Name your worst quality. insecurity
117.Name your best. getting better at being patient.
118.What would you like to do with your life? create.
119.Do you blowdry your hair? no
120.How many clocks are in your house? 7?
121.Are they all set on the same time? not really
122.Have you ever intentionally set a clock ahead or behind the actual time? I tried that but it didn't work. I couldn't forget about it.
123.What do you think about when you first wake up in the morning? uggghhhhh
124.Which browser do you use? ie
125.Do you bite your nails? sometimes.
126.Would you ever leave little notes to your gf/bf? yeah.
127.Ever been to a farm? yes
128.Tell me about your dream last night. I dreamt that I was driving to Tijuana to look for my sister (which I don't have) and I could get the toilet to flush.
129.Ever seen a shooting star? yes
130.Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone. Well, I'm not going to say it here…
131.Do your days fly by or seem to last forever? depends
132.Have you ever stayed in a fancy high class rich hotel? kinda. probably not the ritziest hotel but I thought it was pretty dope.
133.Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? no
134.What in your opinion is the best advertising slogan out there? I don't know about slogans but the best ads are for 7Up, Snickers, and Sears.
135.When they start sending rockets to the moon for us civilians, will you be on the list to go? probably
136.How are you feeling right now? lonely
137.Have you ever written anything on your skin? yeah
138.If so what? just stuff I needed to remember
139.Which website do you frequent most often? at the moment yahoo games and imdb
140.What color is most of your clothes? blue
141.Do you own any plants? no, I kill them shits.
142.Are things as bad as they seem? I don't see how they could be.
143.Descibe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. I don't think there's one specific thing. just the tiniest nice word will send me soaring.
144.Ever looked directly at the sun? yeah. ouch.
145.Have you ever made a pin hole camera to watch the eclipse? never made one but looked through one.
146.What's your favorite cereal? cinnamon life.
147.Who do you miss? BF
148.Name something you just can't forget no matter how hard you try. dumb shit I've done. dumb shit people have done to me.
149.Describe the worst fight you've ever been in whether physical or verbal. fighting with BF about exBF and Baby and us.
150.Say something else about yourself you've never told anyone before. Forget it. I'll never tell.