kdiddy.org

http://www.canada.com/montreal/montrealgazette/story.asp?id=51AA6AB6-034B-4FE0-911C-04871E6B1EC5

That ^ is such a ridiculous series of events. I could go on some long feminist rant but I haven't had enough coffee. And of course, I'm not really a feminist until my second cup of java.
kidding.
Exciting things that happened last night: new underwear. Yeehaw! They're these cute little boy brief type things that I got at Victoria's Secret. Amusingly enough, we weren't the only couple there. At least two other girls were there with their boyfriends/husbands/demi-husbands, who were slowly realizing the advantages of their positions (“Hey, these would look nice…you like lace thongs, right?”).
New DVD. In a fit of Christopher Guest cravings we bought This is Spinal Tap. Very fun. Barnes & Noble really does have a great DVD section. It's a little upsetting.
In other movie news, we watched Big Trouble in Little China the other night. I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. Very fun, John Carpenter-induced 80s flashback. Kim Cattrall is a terrible actress. I still adore her though.
Diapers…paper towels…blah. The huge fuck-off Giant Eagle didn't have my cereal (Kashi). I was crushed. I thought for sure that if any place would have it, they would….

You know who can bite me? People who call while I am updating my journal and then hang up before I get a chance to answer the phone.
grr.

Anyway, where was I? Okay.

http://www.post-gazette.com/nation/20030423santorumexcerpts0423p6.asp

I really hope Rick Santorum dies from syphilis.

My son keeps lifting up my shirt to look at my bellybutton and whispers, “Dutton!” Funny.
Ohhh, I'll have to update more later. I have to poop and I think my son already did.
*sniff sniff*

I have a driving lesson today.
*commences peeing in pants*
It could be my last one.
I'm too old for this shit.

what if I graduate college and get my driver's license in the same week? Would that qualify me as the most amazing person ever? I bet I get a certificate in the mail from the President or something.

The other day, in a moment that was absolutely dripping with symbolism, the baby threw his sippy cup at my desk and broke my copy of Weezer's blue album. All that needs to happen now is for Nina Simone to drop dead and I'll be certain that my life is nearly over…

Oh shit…

At least once a week my father calls me and says:
“Babe. I have 600 voice mail messages. How do I listen to them again?”
“*sigh* Alright. Press 'Menu'”
“Okay…It says 'Messages.'”

“Press 'Select.'”
“Okay…It says 'Write Message.'”
“Press the up button a few times until it says 'Voice Messages.'”
*click click* “Okay.”
“press 'Select.'”
“Okay…It says 'Listen to Voice Messages.'”

“Press 'Select.'”
“Okay…It says 'Calling Voice Mailbox.'”
“As soon as you hear your outgoing message press the # key.”
“Wait, when?”
(I can hear his outgoing message playing in the background.)
“Now.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now. Do it now!”

“Okay…I have 7 messages…Oh, these are old…Half of them are me cursing at the phone.”

Yeah. Sometimes I just want to grab that mobile phone of his and smash it to pieces.
The baby took an extraordinarily long nap today. I don't blame him. It's a good day for it. So I've made the executive decision to skip lunch and hopefully get him to eat a big dinner. I don't think he'll hate me for that. Right now he's just sitting on the floor next to me yelling at this obnoxious bunny that my grandmother gave him for Easter. I need to figure out how to put pictures on here.
dur.

The phone just rang. I picked it up and said, “Hello?” This incredibly sweet, old-sounding woman said, “Hazel!” I informed her that, unfortunately she had the wrong number. I kind of wanted to talk to her because she sounded so sweet.

I have a lot of housewifey stuff to do today. The boyfriend told me he was going to take me to get new underwear and shoes today so I'm all distracted thinking about it.
Last night we were out at his mother's house for dinner and whatnot. His grandmother got the baby a Power Wheels, a soccer ball, and a little toy basketball hoop. The baby looked really funny trying to play with all of that stuff. But I was a little concerned because he got all of that stuff for Easter. Three big gifts and those Power Wheels are friggin' expensive. I tried to hint to them the other day that they were being a bit excessive since my son doesn't even realize what they're getting for him and I have no more room at my house for toys. I also felt like a chump because they buy him all this stuff and I'm like, “Here's a Spongebob doll.” I'm his mom, I'm supposed to shower him with gifts. Of course, that whole no-money thing kind of throws a kink in things. I was also a little offended when I remembered that they were all concerned about me spoiling him by breastfeeding him for a year but then they buy a bunch of meaningless plastic stuff. I'm so confused.
My son is making those weird noises he makes when he poops. I better go.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/21/obit.nina.simone.ap/

My son is awake and lying in his crib, playing his little music thingy. He's chilled out, though, so I'm letting him and me have a few more minutes to ourselves. I needed some diet Vanilla Coke and a Cadbury's Creme Egg. Mmmm…gooey yumminess.
Girliness:
When Stacey and I were at Target the other night I decided to pick up some shampoo and body wash. The body wash aisle is always where my inner girl comes out. It literally takes me about 20 minutes to decide on a scent. I figure I'm going to smelling like that for at least the next month so it better be perfect.
Yesterday when I took my towel off of my head and started to comb out my hair I realized that I hadn't rinsed out my conditioner. I'm such a moron.

The baby is down for a nap and things have calmed down considerably since this morning. Baby was generally kind of pissy and exhibited this by doing all kinds of dumb shit and then crying when I stopped him. Dumb shit included squeezing both of his feet into this little bucket in his playpen and falling over while lodged in it, biting a chunk out of a black crayon, and trying to swallow a penny. I'm such a mean mother. All of this was compounded by the fact that my mom walked in around 6:30 this morning to inform me that the half-and-half was spoiled. Therefore, normal cups of coffee could not be had. I could have cried. My mom also left quite a mess in the kitchen this morning. I hate that.
Easter was pretty fun. I stayed up very late Saturday night trying to wait up for the boyfriend. He was at his mother's house performing a preliminary toilette including a shower, a shave, a haircut, and assembling his country club outfit. I didn't go to sleep until around 3:30. Final Fantasy X and I were getting hot and heavy. It's a little better the second time around. Even though I screwed up the first time playing it, I feel like an old pro in the lower levels.
Anyway, Sunday I woke up pretty early and helped my son get his Easter presents. My mom gave him a basket full of those plastic eggs which he was totally freaking out about. I gave him some Fisher-Price something or other and a new Spongebob Squarepants doll. He's never seen Spongebob but I think the baby just likes the idea of him.
I got a lot of sugar-free candy (woo!) but it didn't really matter since yesterday was quite a day of feasting. It wasn't completely out of control, but it was close. Mimosas are my shit.
The country club wasn't too obnoxious. We got there early and avoided a lot of the crowd. I managed to avoid all of my grandparents' member-friends. I did run into this old friend of my parents. She's an interesting character. Her parents were really rich and so she's never really had to work. They left her this great house in Point Breeze and her and her husband have lived there as long as I can remember. The husband is in some high-end real estate. They are a lot younger than my parents and I can't quite remember how they came to be friends but I always liked them when I was little because they listened to good music, had a very impressive house, and lots of cool “toys” like a computer, a stereo, pool table, all that kind of stuff. They were very cool. However, after quite a few years of living in sin they decided to tie the knot and things sort of went downhill. They had a kid two years ago and now all they talk about is Baby Einstein videos. I think most of their CD collection has been gathering dust in the neglected entertainment center. They're still nice to talk to but they're just sort of glazed over in parenthood. Not that the boyfriend and I aren't completely disgustingly in love with the baby, but we still have other interests. Oh well, neither one is “correct” or anything. It was just an observation.
After the country club everything was sort of a whirlwind. We stopped at my grandmother's for post-brunch…eating and drinking champagne and changing clothes. Then we headed out to this relative of the boyfriend's. More food, more wine, more sweet stuff. This cousin of the boyfriend's had his wife and son with him. He's almost three and on holidays past has been one of those toddlers that makes people shudder. He was better yesterday but still kind of wild. His mother and the boyfriend's mother kept glaring at me and my laid-back son, then would shoot me these evil grins and say, “Just you wait.” Like I'm about to be punished for something. I know when he's two he's going to be pretty crazy. I just don't know why mothers who have been there have to be so spiteful about the whole thing.
We rushed home pretty early in order to be able to drop the baby and all of his Easter stuff at my house with my mom and headed up the street to our friend's house to watch Six Feet Under. Very good episode. I also borrowed their “Big Trouble in Little China” DVD. That movie is so terrible…I love it.
When we got home we attempted to watch Dark City but I, predictably, fell asleep. Argh. I think I have those movies until Tuesday.
The new bras were inaugurated yesterday. That was exciting. Men and other small-breasted women can't understand this but a new bra that fits is probably the best thing ever.
Hmm, this has been a very boring entry and I need to get a shower. Later.

This morning I felt like I had a hangover. What's so remarkable about that you ask? I haven't done anything party-related in weeks. At some point between falling asleep last night and waking up this morning I went on a bender. Sleepwalking? Who knows… I'm better now, though.
I was in the middle of updating my journal this morning when my Uncle Jimmy decided to surprise me with a visit. I, of course, didn't get another chance to sit down with my journal until now. You know, Virginia Woolf used to always talk about how women need a room of their own to write and whatnot. Of course, Leonard was always poking his head in and saying, “How you feelin' now, love?” That got too annoying so she killed herself. I don't think anyone wants my blood on their hands. Folks should leave me alone when they hear me typing all furiously.
But, joy of joys, I bought new bras today. I am so happy. 34D is the verdict. I had this rather jubilant saleslady help me and she kept advising me to pull my girls up. I had never thought of calling them my girls. I've referred to them as the twins before, or my udders, or “these fucking things that won't get out of my way.” “My girls” is much more affectionate and I'm not feeling as hostile to them now that they're properly supported.
But, of course, there was the three-way mirror inspection and inevitable depression. My big question today was, “What's with my legs?” Lots of cellulite craters. I'm wondering if jogging would totally kill me. I've never really been a regular jogger and my biggest concern is that it will bother all of the shin splints and tendinitis lying dormant in my hips and ankles. I need some cardio, though. I'm going to shut up now because this is starting to sound like Britney Spears' private thoughts.
Oh yeah, yesterday at the Social Security office I found out that the baby's application was processed and that whoever told me that it would take up to 30 days was misinformed. The woman I spoke to told me that duh, of course it takes up to 3 months. So she said that he should receive his number in about a week. Hopefully that's the case. I'm so confused by all of this mess. And everyone keeps interrogating me as to why this wasn't taken care of in the hospital. I keep getting exasperated because I was on loads of Percocet and don't remember anything. How am I supposed to keep all of that stuff straight?
Last night Stacey and I ran some errands, made some yummy pizza and rented some movies. The Weezer fans at West Coast Video must think I am very strange. I returned Flatliners and They Live and walked out with Eraserhead and Dark City. I like renting movies with Stacey because she's always up for something weird. When we lived in Richmond we used to go to this great little video store called Strawberry Street Video and get the goriest flicks they had. I'm going to have to introduce her to Incredibly Strange Video. She'd love it there.
We only managed to watch Eraserhead last night. It was pretty wild. I had avoided seeing it until now because I thought that I might be too disturbed by the whole baby thing. It was just incredibly entertaining. I also remembered that I have David Lynch in my blood. I watched Twin Peaks all the time when I was little, much to the dismay of my Catholic school teachers and classmates. A bunch of idjits on imdb.com have posted their interpretation of all of the deep symbolism in the flick. I just don't really feel like thinking about it right now.
Tomorrow…Easter. Yay. I'm going to the country club for brunch with the family. I don't mean to sound like some proletarian-wannabe, but I really can't deal with the country club. Their food is pretty good. But the people there are just annoying. Plus, my grandmother always introduces me to fellow “club members” who always say one or more of the following:

“Oh, we've heard a lot about you…”
“You're the dancer, right?”
“Oh…so what are you doing now?”
“Oh…that's nice…”
“Is this your husband?”
“Oh…uh huh…”
“Your baby is beautiful.”

“Yikes! My Bloody Mary feedbag is empty. Please, excuse me.”
Sigh.
Ugh, I had more material this morning but I can't remember it now. I have some housework to do and then I plan on playing some Final Fantasy. Perhaps I'll treat you to more later.