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I did nothing exciting this weekend, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I did get my hair cut on Saturday, so maybe I’ll grace this space with a picture later.

I did have some handy types come over on Saturday to do some work in the small bedroom. It’s possible that that room will finally be finished in October. And it only took two years! At this rate, the house will be where we want it just in time for us to die. Can’t wait.

Another handy type came by yesterday to look at our dining room and give us a price on finishing and painting it. I guess I had never really looked at how jacked the walls are, but I’m really going to have to have a plasterer come in and smooth them out. The previous owner did all the repairs himself on the house and really it would have been better off if he had just let it be. For instance, here is the awesome addition he put on the back of the house, presumably while mainlining Jack Daniels:

Sigh.

In other news, the baby missed the bus for the first time this morning. Aw, yeah. Third day of school. In our defense, the bus was easily five minutes early. So we had to drive him to school, obviously, but once we were there I had no idea what to do with him. I took him into the building but a woman informed me that that was not the thing to do and that he had to wait on the playground until the teachers collected him. So I took him back outside and was like, “Uh, okay, I guess I’m going to leave you here now. But you recognize some of these kids, right?” Of course, he didn’t. But his bus pulled up right as I was getting ready to leave so I’m assuming he was in the right spot. Don’t you love my crossed-fingers method of parenting?

We watched Stranger than Fiction on Saturday, which was pretty good but not as awesome as I had been anticipating. I think Will Ferrell just doesn’t do it for me. But I would watch Maggie Gyllenhaal read the phone book. Love her. Dustin Hoffman was also really funny, but I felt like he just put a professorial spin on his character from I Heart Huckabee’s. But I did love his freakish coffee consumption and the fact that he taught a course on “Little did he know.” And I need more Emma Thompson in my life.

I watched that new HBO show Tell Me You Love Me last night. I’m going to write a recap for MamaPop but I left my notes at home. It’s much starker than any previous HBO series. Very serious. In all of their other dramas there’s always been at least a sprinkle of humor. There’s practically none in this one. We’ll see. It is pretty good, though…which means it will most certainly be canceled after its first season.

Velveeta casserole, 1949

I love mac and cheese, and I love tomatoes. Velveeta and I are cool and I’m perfectly happy to share the company of a hard-boiled egg or two. But all together in casserole format is just wrong. And what sick son of a bitch puts Velveeta on hard-boiled eggs? Right on the yolk like that. Post-war prosperity was a sick and twisted place it seems.

Louis C.K. was awesome last night. The show was at the Rex on the South Side which was about 500 degrees. Todd Barry opened up for him and he was pretty great, as well. He had a deadpan approach which ended up working particularly well because there was a pretty high meathead population in the audience. A guy in the front row just interrupted him early on and offered him a beer and Todd Barry was like, “Oh. You heckled me but were nice enough to offer me a beer.” Then the guy continued to apologize for like 3 minutes and Barry dubbed that “the Pittsburgh apology,” in which one apologizes for interrupting by continuing to interrupt. That guy was a douche and heckled him some more, but Barry pulled his card every time and said that he looked like he had just come from a caddying job. There was also guy a few rows behind us who kept going, “YEEEEOOOOWWWWW!” which Barry said was more of a Toby Keith concert cheer. Hehe.

I hate people.

Louis C.K. himself was just hysterical. I could listen to him talk about his wife and kids all day because so much of what he says is so so true. He did a bit about trying to get his five-year-old daughter into her car seat. She won’t go in, then she wants to buckle herself in and then can’t do it right so she whines and the parent finally goes, “JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!” then grumbles all the way around to the driver’s side door. I was practically in tears. He also touched on her first day of kindergarten, which was on Tuesday, and said that they had this idealized vision of kissing and hugging her goodbye before tearfully sending her off. The reality was, “Come on! COME ON! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LET’S GO WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE!” While the baby’s send off on the bus went smoothly, there were definitely some “are you fucking kidding me?” moments.

He also talked about going to a Steeler game one time and sitting in the nosebleed section next to these very Pittsburgh dudes. He said that they looked like manatees and were wearing these tiny tshirts. The skin on the back of the neck was all red and frost-bitten but they didn’t care and one of them had a squeezy bottle of Jack Daniels which Louis took a swig of. Ha. Totally.

Jwan, that bastard, got to meet him after the show for a second. Jwan’s glasses broke during the show so he was trying to fix them. He left the theater after everyone else and ran into Louis at the bar. I would have stayed behind to meet him and Barry but I had to get out of that sweatbox. I’m so ready for it to just be winter. I’m sick of sweating.

I spotted some big bug in our room this morning and assumed it was some cockroach or something. So I grabbed Greedo (our cat) and plopped him in front of it, only to realize that it was a grasshopper. I felt kind of bad because he died a slow, painful death at the paws of Greedo…but what the hell was a grasshopper doing in our room anyway?

Sigh. There he is. My kindergartener. Despite sleeping later than I meant to, this morning went rather well. We got all of his stuff together last night and I explained to him that some of the other parents would be at school with their kids this morning but that Mum and Dad had to go to school, too. We wouldn’t be there to transition him into his classroom, take his picture, give a few extra hugs, but that didn’t mean we weren’t with him in his heart or that we didn’t love him. He cried a little bit but I reassured him and this morning he was ready to go.

The arrival of the bus was a little anti-climactic. After seeing several of the little yellow variety go by, a white van with one of those school students signs on it pulled up. I think we were all a little disappointed, but hey, as long as it gets my one and only child to school safely and in one piece, I don’t care.

We kissed him and made sure he was buckled in. Then they pulled away and were gone.

Then I cried.

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Listening to undergrads compose short fiction is kind of painful. The stuff that they think is esoteric and indicative of their untapped wit is really just kind of stupid. I know, because I wrote the exact same shit when I was an undergrad. I should see if I can dig up the short story I wrote about the faux-Lifetime channel. It was meant to be a biting satire on women’s television, but it was really just a steaming turd. Oh, well. These are the lessons one must learn on her own.

Someone please tell me that this little phase that the baby is going through will dissipate once he’s in school. Every single night ends in tears (both mine and his) because he is either in total asshole mode, which includes mouthing off, refusing to listen, fooling around when he’s (not) eating dinner which results in food on the floor, flicking me and his dad with his fingers when we tell him no, or he switches right to you’re-way-too-old-for-this mode, which includes screaming, crying, and just general tantrums. Dudes, I am DONE! Louis C.K. says that the reason his 4-year-old daughter is an asshole is because nobody calls her on her bullshit. I don’t get it. I call him on his bullshit. I see no improvement.

Thank god that some monkeys once ate some fermented grapes that had been sitting on the ground and invented wine and the almighty buzz.

The guilt-ridden mom in me keeps thinking, “This is because you work and the husband goes to school and you aren’t around him everyday.” Granted, there may be some truth in there. He doesn’t get to see us during the day and I imagine he’s pretty bored with life by this point. He has some justifiable reasons to act out. I just wish he wouldn’t.

Speaking of Louis C.K., you are all jealous of me because I am going to see him tomorrow night! I should probably invest in some Depends, since he has a tendency to make me pee my pants. However, I bought the tickets months ago, when I thought that the baby’s first day of school was August 30th. So I get to pull another stellar parent moment when I say, “How was your traumatic first day of kindergarten at your new school with the school bus and the kids and the lunchroom I have to go bye kiss kiss.”

I win at life.

This a picture of me, the baby, and our associates, SpongeBob and Patrick. This picture is significant because it was taken moments ago by the photo booth application on my laptop. On my (admittedly ugly) couch. In my living room. Yes, after months of incessant whining on my part, something finally snapped in the husband’s brain and he hooked up our wireless router. Now that we have two computers with internet access, this marriage just might make it after all.

This gloriously long weekend has served me well. I’ve slept in past 9 a.m. TWICE, which I haven’t done in a looong time. However, I’ve been doing stuff like school supply shopping and picnicking, so now I have to squeeze in laundry and homework today around spending quality time with the husband’s family. And I don’t think we’re going to make it to a grocery store today so I’m really not sure what I’m going to do for lunch tomorrow. I’m thinking maybe something from the ghastly overpriced salad bar at the UC. Can’t wait.

Saturday I went to a canoe club in Verona for a picnic with some other MAPW types. It was nice, despite the fact that the baby came with me and is still on his Campaign of Terror. He nagged professors, screamed, whined, and flirted with grad students. Sigh. He did get to go canoing, which he enjoyed and was cute as hell.

The baby followed up his fantastic behavior at the picnic by waking me up early yesterday morning, wielding a vibrator he had found in my bedside drawer, and asking me what it was. I think I mumbled something about an egg beater before shoving it back in the drawer, too tired to be embarrassed.

I feel bad for wishing this summer away, but I’m ready for fall.

Wrote this last night

One week of the semester down, 15 more to go.

Man, I really wish I hadn’t just typed that out.

We had another trip to the baby’s new school today to do some developmental tests and whatnot. We also talked to the school nurse about his tree nut allergy and she seemed mildly freaked out. I am not concerned since I think the plan of attack is pretty simple. Check foods for tree nuts and avoid those that contain them. If he happens to ingest some, remain calm, administer Epipen, call 911. Or you can skip those first two steps and just call 911, especially since there’s a fire station with paramedics right across the street. In fact, you wouldn’t even need to call 911, just shout out the window. Eh, whatever.

I know I’ve said before that I’m excited for him to start school and all of those emotional, “Oh, my baby!” reasons still stand, but now I’m really excited because I’m hoping it will mean an end to this end-of-the-summer dementia he’s experiencing. He doesn’t have any playmates close by and it’s been tough getting together with any of his buddies, so he’s been pretty bored all summer. I feel bad about that, but there’s not a ton I can do about it. Consequently, he’s becoming quite the pain in the ass, whining constantly, throwing fits, picking fights with the cat. Stuff like that. He’s currently attempting to play Rayman’s Raving Rabbids on the Wii, despite the fact that it’s a little over his head. He’s obviously failing at all the games and then shouting at the TV. The husband is very helpfully talking on the phone. The cat is scratching the couch. I gave a hearty middle finger to the dishes in the sink.

We’re all sort of resigned to the suckiness of this time of year.

At least the weather was a little merciful today. Having to deal with 95 degree weather at this point is just obnoxious and I’m sick of sweating and being sticky and greasy.

But in less whiny news, the husband picked up a cheap copy of Short Circuit on DVD the other night. We watched it with the baby last night and today and the husband and I had both forgotten how amusing that flick is. And Ally Sheedy was so…squeaky.

And now today, after I had to abandon this post to difuse the Wii situation…

The husband had to go play records last night so I decided to watch The Devil Wears Prada. I had seen the end of it a couple of times, but wanted to watch it from the beginning and I knew the husband wasn’t into it. You know, that movie’s not too bad. I chuckled at the beginning when they contrasted Andy getting ready in the morning with the other glamazons. The unkempt hair, minimal makeup and comfort-over-style manner of dressing is so, so me. Meryl Streep really is frighteningly convincing as the evil boss and Emily Blunt was fantastic. I really think Anne Hathaway has a fantastic career ahead of her, so long as she can break out of the “she’s had to overcome so much…being brunette and all,” roles. Hollywood really needs to quit it with that shit. Coincidentally, both Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway are starring in separate Jane Austen related movies.

I have some housework and an MAPW picnic to go to today. My mom and I are also heading out to buy the baby his school supplies. I’ve had two cups of Pleasant Morning Buzz and am feeling rather pleasantly buzzed.

I need a shower.

Our buddy Matt has a pretty great post up about his two-year-anniversary trip to New Orleans. I recommend reading it and also checking out his pictures on flickr. One disclaimer: Matt is, uh, not a Republican. If you are, his post might piss you off. Well, the situation surrounding his post SHOULD piss everyone off, but everyone has different motivations for their pissiness.

We went to the baby’s school last night for a Meet & Greet. I think I signed up for the PTO. I’m not sure. But we got to see his classroom and his locker and meet his teacher. I have such a good feeling about the school. Most importantly, the baby really liked it and didn’t even want to leave when it was time to go. I managed to hold back my cries of “HA! THAT’LL CHANGE! WELCOME TO THE NEXT 12+ YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, KID!” and merely snorted at him. But everyone there seems cool and his classroom is the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

There was one family there that squicked me out. The dad had a Larry the Cable Guy hat with a confederate flag on it. Now, I’m not implying that Larry the Cable Guy fans are automatically racist, though I will state that I think that they have terrible taste in comedy and delight in giving money to someone who is basically mocking his audience. But the confederate flag tattoo on his arm gave me pause. The mom, who my husband said bore a slight resemblance to Marilyn Manson, yelled at her three kids, the oldest of which was maybe 7 and all of whom were rather obese. Now, I’m making snap judgments about these people, admittedly, but I have a feeling that we might not get along. Not to worry, though. At least I’m not the confederate-sympathizing moron sending my kids to a city school. Way to make yourself miserable.

Alright, enough being a bad, judgmental person. First week of classes is almost over and I am so relieved. I’m also supposed to weigh myself tomorrow, but we don’t have a scale at the house and I don’t trust the university to properly calibrate the gym scales…or maybe I’m still paranoid about the last time I did a short stint on Weight Watchers last year and in three weeks on the program gained six pounds according to the gym scales. It was around that point that I said, “Fuck it,” and started eating everything in sight. I guess I should have sought a second opinion. Oh, well. I find that periodically relinquishing control over one’s self is liberating, I just relinquished for too long. Or some shit.

…died today at the age of 44.

One of the most unexpected moments of Saturday Night Live in the mid-to-late 90s was during a skit in which Will Ferrell was portraying his recurring Janet Reno character. Richard Jewell walked on, not long after his name had been cleared and Reno had admitted that he had been wrongly accused, and calmly punched “Reno” in the stomach. Reno stood up, shook Jewell’s hand and said, “Alright. Same time next week?” “Yep,” Jewell replied. The audience went nuts. I can’t find a video of the skit online anywhere. Argh.

So, I’ve been pretty busy the past couple of days. I had some orientation events and some house stuff to tend to, plus classes started yesterday. That’s traditionally pretty crazy for me, work-wise, but it’s even more so now. I am now officially a graduate student and had the first meetings of both of my classes yesterday and today. They seem alright but I don’t yet feel like I have a clear sense of what we’re going to be doing which makes me dread the semester a little. Reading over the syllabi, some words were familiar, like “assignments,” “15-20 page paper,” and “ugh.” But I felt not unlike this chick:

The U.S. Americans…don’t have maps with such as…the Iraq…and we in the U.S. should help South Africa Americans find a map with the U.S. on it. And world peace, too.

I keep telling myself that she was just so nervous and completely lost her shit because I know I get flustered and insert words and verbal clutter when I’m nervous. But I’m worried that Miss South Carolina just had no idea what Aimee Teegarden was talking about. And did she not know that she was going to be in a pageant and therefore did not have time to prepare? Whatever. I’m sure she’s mortified. Too bad.

The baby starts kindergarten on September 6th, not August 30th like we originally thought. But this week we go to some events to meet his teachers and on Friday we take him in for some placement testing. I’m so ridiculously excited (and weepy) for him to start. But I’m taking the extra time to work myself into what will be our new routine. I’ve been packing my lunch at night and last night, for the first time ever, I used the automatic brew function on my coffee maker. I have class at 9 on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can’t go to my office first to grab a cup. Besides, the office coffee kind of sucks.

I’m also training myself to wake up earlier and I find that when I know that I have to get up earlier my impulse to keep sleeping isn’t as strong. So I managed to drag myself up and out of bed at 6:20ish this morning and squeezed in a half hour of yoga. I’m taking advantage of our new DVR feature on cable and taping the cheesy Namaste Yoga series from FitTV. The cat came and did some form of kitty yoga with me, lying down when I did then standing up and meowing. He did kind of ruin my mini meditation by attacking my hair and he totally showed me up during the cat stretch, but I enjoyed the company.

Also, since I was already going through big changes in my tiny life, I signed up for Weight Watchers again and have a buddy in Tracey. I appreciate having her to sound off with since she’s nice and cynical and is willing to hear my rants about body image and societal pressures and whatnot. The last time I really did Weight Watchers I went to the meetings and was just kind of creeped out. Our meeting leader kept saying stuff like “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels,” and I would be like, “Obviously, you’ve never had creme brulee. I’m pretty sure that comes close.”

Anyway, I know I probably sound like I’m drinking the diet Kool-Aid (aka Crystal Light Fruit Punch, motherfuckers), but I’m not myself. I haven’t felt this crappy in a long time…probably since December 2001 when I was a jillion months pregnant. And it’s not like when I’m not dieting my weight is the furthest thing from my mind. I think about it constantly and have been since I was little. I don’t really know if that’s going to ever change. So while I’m thinking about it, I might as well take some steps to be healthier, right? This past year or so has just been really rough and I guess I abused myself in some non-fatal ways…like with Fiery Habanero Doritos.