I am so all about this. And I want to help spearhead the movement.
Admittedly, I need to work on my putdowns. My most biting criticism of late was uttered the other night during a discussion of Joe Francis’ “success” with the Girls Gone Wild franchise: “Any woman who shows her boobs to a camera for free is a fucking idiot.”
Here’s an indisputable sign that you’re not totally ready to go back to work after vacation: you instinctively start to pack some beers with your lunch.
Grunt. See, we had settled into the habit of beginning to drink around 2 p.m. at the latest so, naturally, I thought to myself, “I’ll still be at work at 2,” and reached for the beers before realizing, “That’s not appropriate, dipshit.”
Indeed, the glare of real life is pretty harsh. I did manage to get out of bed at 6:30 this morning. Not because I was excited to get back to the 9 to 5, but because I realized about 30 seconds before falling asleep last night that I wasn’t sure if I had anything to pack for the baby’s lunch. I braced myself for an early morning run to the convenience store (for microwave burritos and Gatorade I guess? maybe some Copenhagen?) but lucky for me there were two slices of bread that were about five minutes away from being stale, so I lovingly slapped some peanut butter on one of them. The baby has placed himself on a strict diet of peanut butter, bread, air, and chaos. It seems to be doing wonders since he’s about six inches around. I should market this new fad, no?
Happy New Year. Me and the kids are watching the Simpsons movie and are all still happily pajama-ed. Everyone else is asleep.
Last night’s post was chosen over this other gushy post about standing out on the beach with the husband a few minutes after midnight and the universe and how time is ours because it’s not real. And somehow I had the sense to not hit “Publish,” knowing that I would look at it in the morning and e-blush. So instead I tapped into my more belligerent self and posted something only slightly less embarrassing for both you and me. It worked, yes?
But honestly I think New Year’s has become one of my least favorite holidays. There are all of these expectations for it, how it’s supposed to be this wild party to usher in a new beginning. And so often my feelings at midnight have been far short of that. But last night was nice. True, I was not sober. But besides that I think it had something to do with seeing Dick Clark propped up for the TV, held together with tape and chicken wire and wheezing his way through the countdown. I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. What kind of species does that to someone? But instead of listening to Ryan Seacrest talk to a group of nobodies about how magical Times Square is, I watched that live Radiohead concert and it was perfect for my mood. It might have something to do with the knowledge that Bush will be out of office soon and even if my hopes for the upcoming election are as grim as ever, perhaps everyone can embrace their inner lunatic and make interesting art again, change culture, shed their shithead shells, turn inward, and then maybe emerge unafraid to call out the bullshit.
A tall order, perhaps. But what’s stopping us?
Anyway, not long after midnight, Tracey and Jamie took a quick stroll on the beach and when they came back they told us we had to go check it out. The tide was extremely low so as we made our way to the water’s edge we seemed to walk forever. And when we looked up at the stars dripping from the sky and the ocean disappeared into the horizon making it look infinite, I managed to forget that we were on earth. People set off fireworks behind us and I couldn’t imagine how someone could look at that sky and not be overwhelmed at the enormity of it all. This tiny little rock that we stand on, hurtling through space and us celebrating our invention of time, the only thing we all agree on.
Yeah. In any case, it was at least more exciting than last year, when we all slightly raised our heads in the middle of an Ace of Cakes marathon. At least we managed to stand up this year.
I find myself in a pissy mood this morning. Mostly because we have to go home tomorrow and I’m having such a nice time here. And also we’re out of Midas Touch and I think I have something of an addiction.
It’s 2008 MOTEHR===F**KERS
ALSO: WHAT’S UP RADIOHEAD? BEIN’ ALL WEIRD
*falls*
Yeah, it’s a meme. What do you want from me?
1. Where did you begin 2007?
Living room of a beach house in Rehoboth, DE. I went to bed around 12:06 or some shit after we rang in the new year by watching an Ace of Cakes marathon. It was extremely low-key
2. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Took the GRE, got accepted into grad school, went to grad school, put my one and only child on a bus for kindergarten, slept while my house was burglarized, went to court, I guess technically started my own blog, though I bought the domain over a year ago.
3. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t make resolutions anymore but my mandates from last year were taking the GRE and getting my driver’s license. I took the GRE. I didn’t get my license. Fuck driving.
4. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yep. Non-degree student for spring semester, grad student in fall semester.
5. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Cristina and Ed had their first baby in June and my cousin had her SEVENTH baby just a few weeks ago.
6. Any new additions to your family?
The new little cousin referenced in #5
7. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close per se, but my grandmother on my dad’s side died first thing 2007. That was pretty sad. A lifelong friend of my parents died in the spring. I was friends with his kids when I was little. Also very sad.
8. Did you know anybody who got married?
A former grad student at my school got married last month.
9. What countries did you visit?
I don’t mess around with other countries (read: I’m broke)
10. How did you earn your money?
Workin for the man every night and day. Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis. Pumped a lot of tane down in New Orleans. Also: writin’
11. Where did most of your money go?
Billz.
12. Did you have any encounters with the police?
Yep. They visited my house after it got broken into and I’ve talked to them about that incident many times since then.
13. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Some more money. I should probably start going to therapy again. Some sleep.
14. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 17. It was our first wedding anniversary and it fucking sucked. September 21. Our house was burglarized. December 6. My baby turned six.
15. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Living through this past semester. I really thought I was going to die there for awhile.
16. What was your biggest failure?
Flipping out at people.
17. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious.
18. Where did you go on holidays/vacation?
We’ll be making the rounds of various grandparents’ houses and then a few days after Christmas we came to Rehoboth Beach again.
19. What was the best thing you bought?
I get pretty excited about my citrus juicer every time I use it, frankly.
20. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don’t know, man.
21. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Pretty much everyone’s.
22. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The fall semester ending.
23. Did you move anywhere?
NO.
24. Where do you live now?
In my house in Pittsburgh, PA.
25. What song will always remind you of 2007?
“The Day” by Platinum. Possibly because as soon as I heard it I thought, “FUCK, this would have been perfect for our wedding.” Oh, well. Also, “Umbrella” by Rihanna, some track by Cybotron that I can never remember the name of (cause Model 500 played it at DEMF while some dancers jitted and it was amazing), “Funky Good Time,” by the JBs.
This is what I saw when I woke up this morning:
Know what that is? Here’s a closer look:
Yes. Yes, indeed. I’m at the beach with some dudes. Let me tell you, being able to hear the ocean as you fall asleep is definitely how life should be.
The kids are playing Godzilla: Unleashed on the Wii and that is several kinds of awesome.
Hearing them develop their little trash talkin’ tactics is simultaneously adorable and annoying, since it still involves a healthy dose of whining.
Everyone else is like:
Of course, I have a headache because I wore my glasses most of this morning and I bent the shit out of them the other day. After I took them off I got all dizzy from being too used to the crookedness. They are 9 years old. I should maybe consider investing in some new spectacles before I go completely blind.
Approximately 10 minutes after I hit “publish” on this post about how luxurious and lesiurely my vacation had been thus far, all hell broke loose. Well, not all hell, but a good bit of it. The husband called me to tell me that we needed to be at his mom’s house in about 20 minutes and that I needed to wrap all of the presents for that side of the family. What was amusing about that was that I had not showered in about two days (I think? There was no telling by that point…), the baby and I were still in pajamas and most importantly I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE FUCKING GOING ANYWHERE. I also couldn’t understand why we were going to have “dinner” at 1:30 in the afternoon and why I had no recollection of the husband informing me of this even though he insisted he told me about this on Saturday. Things got real mature at that point. I hung up on him and he called his mom and told her to call and nag me so I hung up on her and stomped around and screamed at the pile of laundry that had been mocking me since about, uh, August.
But I dutifully wrapped the presents in a whirlwind of tape and paper and put some kind of clothing on the baby and myself. We had dinner and presents and I squinted at the TV while Uncle Chuck and Aunt Gigi smoked Newports in the dining room.
The rest of Christmas Eve was fine and Christmas was cool, too. More about all that later. The day after Christmas was apparently Coma Day. I stayed up pretty late the night before watching Scrooged. We didn’t wake up until almost 12:30 pfuckingm and only because the baby, bless his heart, tapped me and said, “Mum, can I please have something to eat?” So I got up and did some of that parenting stuff for awhile and then while I was getting dressed, the cat jumped up on the bed, meowed at me and I couldn’t resist. I got back into bed and slept another three hours.
Then today we were supposed to go back to my grandparents’ house and visit with my cousins and their 5 billion kids but when we got in the car, the car said, “Chugga chugga chugga chugga ptttthhhhhhh.” So we were stranded at my mother-in-law’s house again and then she told her children to go down the street and exchange gifts with the neighbor’s 5-month-old baby who does not give a shit about anyone who does not have a teething ring at the moment. Amazingly enough, her children were blase about the whole thing and I ended up instigating that exchange. fuckers.
And I think my mom is conjuring up some other arbitrary social obligation for me to be pissy about, which should be interesting since, uh, we don’t have a car at the moment. Fun!
I put a load of laundry in the washer and then got back into bed because it was REALLY exhausting. My cat jumped up and joined me, gave me a little back massage, then flopped down in front of me so I could scratch him in the way that makes him lick his chest and shoulders and arms and my bra a little bit.
And that’s about all I’ve accomplished so far. Being on vacation is glorious.
So we actually ventured to the mall yesterday. It wasn’t TOO insane. But I find that when our little crew finds ourself in an environment like that, our only thought is to make it out. Survival instincts kick in and the goal of finding gifts for loved ones seems to vanish. At one point we were just walking briskly through the crowd, passing all of the stores. When we got to the end of the mall, we all exhaled like, “Thank god we made it through,” and then we had to just go back into the thick of it when we realized that we were empty handed.
That wasn’t as bad as when I went to Macy’s downtown with my mom on Saturday. The combined experience of downtown Pittsburgh in 2007 and the weekend before Christmas was a bit much for me. Everyone was either dazed or miserable. My mom kept asking me if I needed to go buy anything. I did, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was just icky and depressing. But the baby went into the little shop that they have set up so that kids can buy stuff for their family members and went to see Santa again. Santa asked the baby if he had been good and done his chores, specifically stuff like brushing his teeth and whatnot. He asked him if he picked up his toys when he is asked to and the baby glanced at me and the smirk I had on my face and said, “Uh, you don’t want to ask about that.” Smartass.
Anyway, the baby and I need to get started on making some cookies for Santa. Then I’ll probably have to scratch the cat some more. I’m booked solid, peeps.
Is Old Navy starting to sell spring clothes?
Fuck you, Old Navy. I got like six more months of winter here. Cute shit, though.
I am off of work for the next week and a half!
I just had a lurvely lunch with Ms. Jennie. We strolled to Ali Baba* and noshed on bazilla. She showed me proofs from baby Donovan’s most recent photo shoot and honestly that kid is so gorgeous, it’s kind of criminal. We talked about motherhood and books and post-mortem photography and the Iraq and the rapid descent of humanity into douchebaggery. You know…cheery stuff.
But really such a nice time. I obviously need more lunch dates in my life.
*I had forgotten just how cheap that place is. My god! I had a delicious bowl of hearty lamb and pea soup and a nice big plate of grape leaves and my lunch was like $10! If you’re in Oakland ever you need to start eating there is all I’m saying.
