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The obvious answer here again is the baby. In a post that I wrote last year, I described the first time that I saw him thusly:

When I first saw him, it was like everything slowed to a complete stop for just an instant, but an instant that seemed to stretch on forever. Everything that I understood about life and time and love ended. And when the earth started spinning again a few milliseconds later it was in a new direction or had switched tracks. Even in the next few weeks, when things got really dark inside my head, that feeling was my touchstone.

I’m not going to act like I always have my priorities straight or that my perspective on life is always aligned correctly. But that moment has never dulled in my memory as the beginning of the life that I was meant to live. So whenever I’m stressing over something that I know really isn’t as life-or-death as I’m making it out to be, I call that moment to mind and things get a little bit clearer.

The husband also qualifies for this, but I’ll save most of that gush for a post that I’m working on for our anniversary. (Hint: get your barf bags ready because it’s going to make you sick. Plus, he’ll probably divorce me for posting something so Hallmark.)

But another obvious person who made my life worth living is me. I can get pretty down on myself, but every once in awhile, I recognize something good that I’ve done and I admit to myself that I’m a pretty decent person and perhaps the world is, in fact, a little bit cooler with me in it.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I’m just going to blurt it out: I hope I never have to bury my child. Anything else in the world I could endure. That…I’m not sure that I could survive.

Ahem.

Anyway, to try to push that out of my head, a close second to that is that I hope I never have to take a math test ever again. I thought I was in the clear after my sophomore year of college, when I finally passed the dummy algebra class after failing it twice. But then I had to go and apply to graduate school which required the GRE. I even ruled out a career as a teacher when I found out that there were hefty math requirements to get the bachelor’s degree.

Even though you generally take math tests quietly and on your own, I still feel like I’m having the mother of all naked anxiety nightmares when I have to actually DO math and then SHOW it to someone, since my computations generally look like this:

It’s not that I don’t respect math and all that is truly awesome about it. I just don’t get it. At all. I mean, I can drive a car better than I can do math and if you’ve seen me drive then you know how much of a dunce I must be about numbers. And I have always hated the reactions that I get from people when they start to grasp how little I understand math. Especially since people who have even a little understanding of it are so freaking smug about it.

So if I could avoid ever taking another math test, that would be wonderful.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

There are a bunch of things that I hope to do in my life.

I want to go on a honeymoon with the husband. We couldn’t when we got married, but our fantasy trip was to Brazil.

I kinda want to have another baby. The husband is diametrically opposed and I recognize that it’s kind of a bad idea. But still…the desire is there.

I want to see the light on my son’s face as he watches the sun rise over the Great Pyramids in Egypt.

Those are the big things.

The main thing that I want to do in life, the thing that I just want to accomplish no matter what, is hosting Thanksgiving and/or Christmas at my house.

This might sound kind of boring or crazy to those of you who have hosted such events. And I recognize that it’s a ton of work and is probably pretty stressful on holidays that are supposed to be fun. But there’s something about this goal that just seems to have everything that I truly want in life wrapped up within it.

Every culture feasts. Feasts are a time to bring all of your best work to the table and share it with the people that you care about to mark special occasions, like holidays or achievements. Being able to host Thanksgiving or Christmas would mean that I had the ability to provide my family with a meal, that I was financially able to procure all of the ingredients and that I had a workspace that was adequate enough to prepare the meal without disaster. Attempting a big meal in my current kitchen would downright unwise.

I love making food for people. It’s one of those things that I always, always put forth my best effort for and seeing someone enjoy something that I made for them makes me so happy. I want to do that for our family and friends. I want to set the scene for some of their warmest memories.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Something you have to forgive someone for…

I think I’m a pretty forgiving person. I feel like I used to be more extreme about it and used to completely write people out of my life for various transgressions that I perceived to be personal attacks. But with time I think I began to recognize more and more that there have been very few instances where someone acted in a way that was specifically to hurt me. Most of the time, people just act foolish and end up hurting others and we’re all guilty of that at least once in our lives. And really, life is too short to stay angry at people.

There are a few things that continue to bug me, though, that I really need to let go.

Obviously, I need to forgive everyone who was critical or unsupportive or acted in a way that I didn’t like about my pregnancy. Their words and actions didn’t come from a place of hate and while their execution was definitely shitty, it was their way of expressing concern for me and the husband and the baby. Relatedly, I need to forgive my mom and grandmother for forbidding anyone to throw baby shower for me before the baby was born, insisting that they would throw one for me after his birth. They never did. It wasn’t an intentional slight, just a casualty of life being busy, but it made me feel shitty.

I need to forgive the husband for not getting a job right away like we thought he would. It’s not his fault. And while he could be more fervent in his job search, we probably wouldn’t be in any different position than we are now. He’s not unemployed because he likes seeing me struggle. I know that. I just have to remind myself of it when I’m feeling like I’m doing all of this alone, because I’m not.

I need to forgive my dad for saying I was just like my mom and I need to forgive my mom for saying I was just like my dad. Neither observation was a compliment. They didn’t say those things to hurt me, but it sucked to hear both for various reasons.

I need to forgive my grandmother for being so opinionated. I really don’t like some of the things she has to say, but again, she doesn’t mean to hurt me.

I need to forgive the Steelers for losing to the Patriots in the 2004 AFC Championship game while I suffered frostbitten toes to cheer them toward victory.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Something you have to forgive yourself for…

There are a number of small silly things that I could put here. Not sticking to my Monday/Wednesday schedule for this exercise this week or standing outside of the bathroom plugging my ears while my kid puked on Monday, helpfully calling out, “Just let me know when you’re done, sweetie!” lest I hear, see, or smell his digestive malfunction and join him over the barf bucket. (By the way, the puking of Monday and the ensuing catch-up on Tuesday explains my truancy on my 30 days of truth schedule, so I figure that absolves me on that count.)

But there are, of course, some big things that I should probably tackle.

As horrible as this sounds, I need to forgive myself for having the baby. This ties in very closely with day 1’s truth.

Now, just to clarify, this does not mean, “How could I do this to myself?” This is about my insecurity as a parent and as a good person. Like I’ve explained (or at least attempted to) several times, my pregnancy was a pretty tumultuous time. There were countless reasons to not continue my pregnancy and they were all rational, good reasons. And given another time and another alignment of the stars, they probably would have prevailed. But I could not get my head past the fact that I wanted that baby beyond all reason and rationality. I wanted a tiny family with the husband and I wanted it to start right then and there. Mind you, this was not a Veruca Salt style, “I WANT IT NOW!” but just a certainty deep down inside of me that moving forward was the right thing to do.

But, as anyone who’s lived knows, certainty is a fickle bitch and there have been plenty of moments that I doubted myself. Pretty much as soon as I uttered the words, “I’ve decided to have the baby,” I started to have moments of panic because more than anything, I wanted to do right by the child that would have to live me and the husband as his parents. And I mean, really, how often would you look at these two people and willingly put a small child in their care?

Yeah, not so much

Those moments aren’t as intense as the first night we had him at home, which was one of the roughest nights of my life. I remember stumbling aimlessly around our apartment, exhausted from not sleeping in days, terrified at the weeks or months of sleepless nights stretching out in front of us, my body in pain and rebellion as things healed, swelled, bled, and leaked, and a tiny, squirmy child who needed every crucial thing in life and he needed me to give it to him. I remember sobbing, wondering who the hell I thought I was to thrust that poor kid into this mess that was my life, and volunteering for the immense duties of teaching him how to live and cope and be happy.

Now, I have some variation of that first night when I’m staring into our murky future, wondering how we’re going to make it, and letting the pressure and stress of that turn me into a madwoman. And I wonder what I was thinking to put him through this.

I’m not qualified to be his mother, but then none of us really are. And I need to forgive myself for that and keep on finding the joy in my absolute best goof.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Something that you love about yourself…

As self-deprecating and critical as I can be, there are a couple of things that I love about myself.

I love that I’m funny and that I’ve been able to get a laugh out of almost everyone I’ve ever met.

I love that I’m a mom. When I was entering my 20s and starting to think about how that whole marriage and parenthood thing might go down, I had no idea how it might happen for me. Turns out I just kind of tripped and fell into it, and I’m so glad that I did.

But most of all, I love that I’m tenacious. I don’t tend to think of myself as a strong person, but I know that, in general, I don’t give up.

Sometimes, I keep plugging away at something past a healthy point. Going along with my perfectionism, I often mistake an appropriate letting go point for failure. But for the most part, you can put nearly any worthy challenge in front of me and I will gut it out.

In my day job, I’ve convinced/inspired more than one person to finish their higher education when they’re at the point of quitting and I’ve never had anyone come back to me and say, “I wish I hadn’t listened to you.”

Finishing something that I start is so ingrained in me. I don’t know where it comes from. I suffered through a horrendous middle school experience because there was no way I was going to let some backwoods ignorami run me out of their school. I stayed at a ballet company where I was clearly not wanted because I had said that I would be there for a year and accepted their passive-aggressive insults with my chin up. I trudged through the harder times that the husband and I have had because I’ve known that we’re just…together. I finished college, breastfeeding while reading and studying. I finished graduate school, filling every moment of my days with work of some kind. I did Couch to 5k despite nearly dying the first few weeks. Giving up on any of these was never an option.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

The MamaPop writers are all participating in this writing exercise that’s been making its way around the interwebs. I’d credit the originator of this exercise if I could figure out who it was, but I can’t, so I’m going to go ahead and credit Tom Selleck. Thanks, Tom! The full list of prompts will be at the end of this post if you wish to play along.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Funnily enough, I hate that I hate things about myself.

Well, that might not be the best description.

See, this whole debacle with the economy and the husband not being able to get an electrical engineering job sort of forced me to confront some of these feelings. I remember very clearly rocking the baby to sleep one night when he was still very small and telling him all the things that his dad and I were going to do. “We’re going to finish college and we’re going to get good jobs and we’re going to buy a nice house and have enough money to do the things that we want to do. And MAYBE we’ll get a puppy!”

Having the baby at a somewhat young age and in less than ideal circumstances lit a fire under our butts to be more determined about our future and do right by our kid. Not in any kind of material sense, but just to do everything that we could to make sure that his needs were met and that he wouldn’t be denied too much because he had unprepared parents. We faced a LOT of criticism for having the baby and absorbed many accusations/insinuations that we were cheating him out of a secure life because so much of how we came to be parents did not look good on paper. So we sort of set out to prove everyone wrong, I guess.

So I finished college. I got a job. I worked my butt off to get some promotions so that I could make more money so that I could buy our house. I killed myself through a graduate program so that I could theoretically be more marketable. And the husband finished college. And we pushed and pushed and pushed ahead, our sights always on Someday when things were going to be the way that they were supposed to.

In the meantime, I never considered, or never really believed, that our lives were pretty good, day in and day out. I can see that I was often pushing happiness away because I was mistaking it for complacency and never figured out how to work toward a goal in the future without ignoring my life in the present.

I was telling a confidant a few weeks ago that after a big heart-to-heart with the husband, I realized that I wanted to stop trying to dismiss what I have in favor of something that I perceive as better because none of that is real. My family is what’s real. And I don’t care if we’re a family in a cardboard box in an alley, just as long as we’re together and present every moment that we can be.

I have to remind myself of this a lot. I’m an all-or-nothing perfectionist, which sometimes results in some pretty spectacular things, but most of the time means that I’m disowning who I am because I’m not living up to some arbitrary ideal that I’ve set for myself.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself