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I’m up to the religion and politics prompts in the 30 days of truth and it’s kind of appropriate since Christmas is upon us. (This is pretty rambly.)

I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school through 8th grade and considered myself Catholic until some time in my early twenties.

Now, I’m…well, now I’m just me. I’m agnostic. I’m not ready to call myself an atheist because I do believe that there’s something big that connects everyone and everything in the universe. But I don’t think that it’s anything that anyone would call God. It’s just existence and energy and the universe and everything. I think I used to find the idea of everything being chaotic and random scary, and the idea of a plan and God therefore comforting, but I don’t feel that way anymore. If there’s no God and no plan, then I am here, looking at the stars, by some beautiful accident. That is miraculous. It’s possible that there are no answers and I find that kind of wonderful.

I don’t really care what other people believe and would never support suppression of people’s preferred answers to life. But I find nearly all religions to be…woefully inadequate and silly and I don’t think I’m a bad person for saying so. Someone’s beliefs aren’t suddenly immune to criticism. I won’t tiptoe around someone’s thoughts just because they’re resolute.

Because I feel that I know the most about the Catholic/Christian experience, I feel comfortable saying that that whole scene is pretty screwed up. And in my experience the vast majority of its most vocal practitioners have no idea what they’re talking about and aren’t very good Christians or very good people.

We’re not raising the baby within any kind of religion because we feel very strongly that religion is not something that is inherited, but that it is simply an option when you’re looking for answers in life. I can’t experience the baby’s challenges in life for him so I can’t require that he look to the same kind of comfort that me and however many other members did. We talk about our worries and our fears and our questions all the time. If he wants to explore religion, we will. I think that’s fair.

As for politics, I’m a registered Democrat. I’m far more liberal than that, though, and wouldn’t dodge accusations of being a socialist. But right now I’m kind of done with all of it. I just haven’t seen any evidence that anyone who holds an elected position knows or understands that actual people are affected by their work. A few months ago, I took a “news break” because I was getting extremely upset to the point of not being able to function at the antics of politicians and businesses, especially surrounding the health care reform. I realize that I can do something like that because I am privileged and don’t have to actually live the news that I’m ignoring, but I really couldn’t take it anymore.

I feel that discourse has disintegrated into each side trying to prove how stupid the other side is, like this is some kind of game that can be won. The goal is no longer making America better for its citizens, but to make it as fertile for huge businesses as possible. We do not live in a society. We live in an economy. Maybe it’s always been that way. That doesn’t make it a good or worthwhile thing.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Love, Actually is one of those movies that I don’t really like except for right around Christmas. Because of this, I don’t really want to invest in a copy of the DVD and it doesn’t seem to be on any of my cable channels. I’m having trouble accepting that it’s not available on Netflix’s instant view and today I went to check again to see if it might have magically appeared. It hadn’t, but I noticed this recommendation that Netflix had for me.

Based on my interests, in Jackie Brown and The Turning Point, Netflix is suggesting “Mid-Life Crisis Movies” to me. Thanks, guys.

I’m going to squeeze in two more days of truth today: a book I’ve read that changed my views on something and my views on gay marriage.

I feel like the book question sort of corners you into selecting a non-fiction book. The first one that came to mind in that category is probably The Omnivore’s Dilemma, though I don’t know that it really changed any of my views but was just really, really informative about some stuff that I kind of already assumed. Perhaps a better example would be The Way We Never Were which is a sociology book about what author Stephanie Coontz calls “the nostalgia trap.” We accept the myth of the “good old days” without really examining data from that period. If we did, we would realize that we had a lot of the same problems that we’ve always had. A fiction book that had a great effect on me was The Road. It fleshed out a lot of feelings about life and parenting that I was really afraid of experiencing or thinking about, but it was really good to release after reading it. (That means I cried hysterically for about an hour, but, you know, a good, cleansing cry.)

As for gay marriage…if you’re against gay people marrying each other, I feel bad for you and wish that you would get your head out of your ass. If you are actively working against gay people marrying each other, I really have nothing nice to say to or about you. I wish I could say I was open to dialogue about this issue, but I’ve seen no evidence that people who are truly troubled by the prospect of consenting adults marrying each other aren’t just huge jerks. Life is too short to engage such people. But know that I think you are deeply troubled and should pray for peace. I will vote against your politicians and quash your pathetic attempts to discriminate. I will dismiss any religious backing for such hate as a truly unfortunate side effect of the First Amendment. Call me close-minded. I never claimed to be open-minded toward mean people.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

(Psst! Don’t forget to enter my giveaway for a gift card to 77kids!)

Because this week has been surprisingly busy, I’m going to combine days 15 and 16 of 30 days of truth in the interest of keeping this exercise moving along.

Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Shallow answer: cable TV. I really wish I could be one of those superior human beings who doesn’t watch TV, has no interest in TV, and spends their time pursuing intelligent, worthwhile things and not spending money on something so frivolous. I’m not. I love the history-lite stuff that they show on The History Channel. I love utterly stupid things like Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I love passive gluttony on the Food Network. And I love all of My Shows on HBO. Now, obviously, if it were between eating and watching Ghost Adventures, I would…think long and hard about that. Heh. No, I know that since I’m one of those horrible people who has credit card and student debt that I don’t deserve the luxury of cable TV. But I really like it, so while I can, I’m making room for it in my budget.

Deep answer: the husband and the baby. Technically, I’ve never lived apart from the baby, but the husband I lived apart in the summer of 2002. Neither of us really had jobs and so could no longer afford our apartment. I moved in with my dad and he moved in with his mom. It was a sad time. Now, whenever I spend time away from them, I really don’t like it. I missed them terribly while I was at BlogHer in August, bursting into tears one night after talking to them on the phone. Charlie had to talk me down. They’re my dudes. I want them around always.

Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I don’t really know how to answer this. It sounds snarky. Like, “I could live without you being a pain in my ass all the time.” But I think it’s supposed to be about what I could sacrifice. I mean, all any of us really needs is shelter, food, water, and love. Everything else is just cherries on top, right?

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Again, not doing the letter format as per the instructions because I hate open letters.

I’ve never been much into Harry Potter. I haven’t read the books, but I’ve watched most of the movies and have found them to be entertaining enough on their own. They’re not my favorite movies, but I enjoy them well enough. But I’ve never found anything about the Harry Potter dynasty to be particularly inspiring.

However, there was one quote from The Goblet of Fire that was pretty kickass. Barty Crouch Jr. and his role in the plot to capture Harry are revealed and Dumbledore instructs Snape (I think?) to inform the Azkaban prison that Crouch will be returning. Crouch shouts after him that he’ll go back a hero. Dumbledore looks at him and says, “Perhaps. Personally, I’ve never had much time for heroes.”

I think you can admire and be inspired by someone’s achievements, but this insinuation that we have the right to be disappointed in someone who we thought was above x behavior is just silly to me. Everyone is living their own lives and we all make our own decisions based on an infinite combination of circumstances. Screwing up and making the absolute wrong decision is just something that all of us are bound to do at one point or another. I’m not saying that we should just automatically absolve each other of those decisions that negatively affect others. I just don’t think we should place anyone above that possibility because we dubbed them a hero. Even the most inspiring people we know are just human beings figuring out how to live every day. Flawed, complicated, beautiful messes of existence.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

The instructions for this post say to write a letter to this band or artist but I’m not going to. Here’s some more truth for you: I hate the open letter format. Hate. It.

Anyway, at different points in life, I’ve found different music comforting. Back when I was a teenager, I really liked Janis Joplin and R.E.M. A few years later, I always turned to Nina Simone and Radiohead. These are all still in my arsenal, but for the past several months, the artist that has been helping me a lot is Andres. He’s a hip hop producer from Detroit via L.A. and his most recent album, Andres II, has been a favorite of mine since it came out.

Andres II isn’t strictly hip hop. The only way I can really describe it is roller skating music. Fast, but not too fast, funky, soulful, and the perfect inspiration for going faster, further, staying in the flow even if you’ve taken a nasty spill.

When we were in Detroit a few months ago, our CD of Andres II didn’t leave the player in the car because it was an absolutely perfect soundtrack. And one night we were driving fast down one of those big, wide streets downtown where everyone cruises with their insanely cool cars. It had been a brutally hot day and the night brought such relief. This song was playing as the Detroit wind blew through my hair. And for a few minutes, I was really, really happy. Since then, whenever I hear this song, I think of that moment and smile.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

This exercise is making me realize that emotionally I’m healthier than I thought, since prompts like this make me realize that I really haven’t obsessed over what I’m NOT praised for. Back when I was in school, I think I sought a lot praise for balancing (or “balancing,” really) everything. And even though people did occasionally say, “Wow, I don’t know how you do it,” I think I wanted more…sympathy? I don’t know. But that’s sort of the last thing that I remember really pouting about.

I don’t seem to get any compliments on how well I sleep. Or maybe I do but don’t hear them because I’m passed out. Maybe the husband invites our friends and family over during the night and they all stand around me going, “Wow. Look at her go. Look at that drool string reaching from her mouth to her pillow! She’s an inspiration.” But I kind of doubt it. I go through bouts of insomnia from time to time, but when I’m not, I am seriously ON my sleeping game. My powerful sleeping skills prevent me from waking up early every single day, which I think is pretty impressive.

Back when I was a teenager and I was still in ballet, my winters were always completely bonkers with Nutcracker stuff. In the midst of Nutcracker performances, a ballet mistress (which is a big deal) from the New York City Ballet was visiting Pittsburgh and wanted to lead a rehearsal of my class in Concerto Barocco, which is one of the toughest ballets ever. (You can check out more info about it here.) Already exhausted from our harried schedule of school, ballet classes, rehearsals, and Nutcracker performances, we trudged up to one of the studios in the Benedum Center. My group went first. We did well. I sat down to stretch and watch the other group go. The next thing I knew, I was pulling my face out of a puddle of drool on the floor and the ballet mistress was glaring at me. I had fallen asleep on the floor and apparently had made it very evident that I was unconscious. No one complimented me on my awesome time management skills that allowed me to squeeze in a nap during a packed day. Jerks.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

There are, fortunately, several things I can list here.

On the physical, shallow end, I can say that I receive a lot of compliments on my eyes and my hair. They’re both intriguing shades, I will admit.

I receive compliments on my son, that he’s cute or sweet or funny or smart.

I receive compliments on my writing, which means so much to me since I’m forever convinced that I’m barely succeeding at stringing sentences together.

I receive compliments on my full-time work, which also means so much to me. It can be a thankless job sometimes, but I help people, day in and day out, and when someone thanks me for that, it’s very humbling.

I receive compliments on my cooking and baking. There’s a commercial for the Travel Channel in which the guy from Man v. Food says that he hasn’t met a mother in any culture who doesn’t love feeding people. It’s an oversimplified stereotype of mothers, sure, but not a totally untrue one. Being a parent switches on, in many people, an undeniable urge to feed a) your child(ren) and b) anyone in your house. It can be annoying to the recipients, but if I’m remembered as a distributor of tasty foods, I’ll have lived a full life.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

There isn’t anyone who is really in my life right now who is so poisonous that I regret our paths crossing. Because I’m just kind of crotchety, there are plenty of people who I don’t like but their importance in my life is basically null. At worst, they irritate me for a few minutes. At best, they give me a funny story to tell. I think I used to assign much more importance to these people in the past, but I don’t anymore. My family and friends are all pretty fantastic and their flaws aren’t so big that I feel affected by them.

Day 1 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Unfortunately, I knew exactly who I was going to write about for this one as soon as I saw it.

I met Stacey in 1993 when she started at Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre School. She was a level and a grade ahead of me. We didn’t really get to know each other until that following summer which was when we found out that we were a lot alike. We both had red hair and extremely fair skin. We were both quiet. Neither of us was very enmeshed in a group of people at either ballet or school. We had similar senses of humor and similar interests outside of ballet.

During the two years that we were together at PBTS, we became very close and remained in touch when she moved to Richmond, VA to dance with the Richmond Ballet. A year later, I followed her down there and it was a given that we would be roommates.

We had some trying times as roommates…common annoyances like whose turn it was to do dishes or that time I accidentally got the phone turned off would have us sniping at each other. But we knew we were each other’s support. We laughed and cried together and spent many of our weekends chain smoking and “feasting” on bowls of sugar-free Jell-O or pretzels.

After I moved back to Pittsburgh, we kept in touch. When Stacey’s dance career ended from a persistent foot injury, she moved back, too. We became even tighter and when I got pregnant with the baby, she was one of the first people I told. I wanted her there when he was born. She showed up right after they had whisked me back to the operating room. I still thank the gods that she was there, as she was the only person with the presence of mind to grab my camera and take some pictures of that crazy morning.

Seriously, I could never thank her enough for capturing these moments. You see, I was over in my hospital bed talking to the pink elephants that were dancing around.

Durrrrr

Some years later, when the boyfriend was poised to become the husband, Stacey was the obvious choice to be my maid of honor.

We were still close, but by that time our interests and values had started to diverge a little. To be honest, I looked down on her new passions for motorcycles and guns. But I loved that she was standing behind me on my wedding day. I loved that we had been friends for so long. I loved her.

A few months later, I started working on my Master’s degree and became completely obsessed with this new version of my life, in which I was busy and working all the time and was sacrificing so much and nobody really knew or appreciated how hard it was. Stacey would try to make plans with me and I would decline or cancel and eventually stopped returning her calls. I was incredibly busy, too busy to even talk to her on the phone. Surely she knew that.

By the time our first wedding anniversary had rolled around, we hadn’t talked in months. I felt bad, but figured I would get back in touch with her soon enough. Another year or so went by, our only communication being Christmas cards. Last year, feeling incredibly shitty for how I had just dropped her, I wrote a note in the Christmas card that I sent her. “I miss you, Stacey. Can we reconnect soon?” I didn’t want to be too pushy after not communicating in so long.

I was stunned when the card came back with a bright yellow postal service label that robotically informed me that Stacey, one of my oldest friends, was no longer at that address and that the forwarding service to her new home in Montana had expired.

MONTANA?!?!?!

I deliberated over what to do and considered contacting her parents, who I hoped were still in Pittsburgh, for her new address. Before I could take any action, Stacey appeared on Facebook. I immediately sent her a sheepish message, telling her how sorry I was for being such a terrible, selfish friend and for being so careless with our friendship. Stacey kindly replied that it was fine, that she felt like she was getting in my way and just quietly bowed out of my life.

Her words stung, but only because they were true. In my foolish quest to be more important, to prove to myself that I was not a failure, I had utterly neglected her and she was too good of a person to call me on it, she just did what I wanted her to do.

I didn’t push for more interaction. I didn’t feel that it was my place anymore. I no longer had any right to influence how she felt about me.

A few months ago, a mutual Facebook friend tagged Stacey in a picture. I wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t shown up on my news feed when I happened to be looking at it. The picture was of Stacey, dancing with her father…in her wedding dress.

I was crushed. I wasn’t mad at her. I had no business being there. But I had failed her in that I couldn’t reciprocate the favor of standing and supporting her on her wedding day, vowing to be part of the network that made her marriage work like she had done for me.

I thought about writing to her to tell her all of this, but more photos appeared. She was beaming, beautiful, happy. She was fine without me and without my apologies.

I know that relationships, even the ones that seem the most likely to last forever, can just end. People grow apart, they no longer fill the roles in each others’ lives that they used to. At best it’s a chasm that quietly grows. At worst, lives are ripped apart. But it’s one of the few things in life that we can look at and see as being meant to be, whether we like it or not.

I still love Stacey and cherish the years that we had together. I will forever regret that I was the one responsible for undoing our friendship. Maybe someday we can try again.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Hmm…I’m having a hard time with this one. I think I’ve been pretty fortunate to have mostly good people in my life. And the ones that weren’t so good…we’ve either worked through it because we had to or they’re not in my life anymore.

When my parents were together and extremely unhappy, that made my life hellish. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor when a friend of mine was over one day. We were playing Barbies and I was trying to ignore the extremely loud argument that my parents were having downstairs. I was so embarrassed. I finally looked up at my friend and said, “I’m sorry my parents are yelling.” She looked back at me and said, “It’s okay. My parents used to do that all the time.” Having what is supposed to be the foundation of your family so plainly, obviously broken is/was embarrassing, even though it’s the case for so many of us. They finally called it quits some years after that, and it’s been slowly getting better.

I had some not so nice kids in the schools that I went to, particularly in middle school, and the teachers that should have done something, didn’t. They even seemed to delight in the fact that me and other targets were learning lessons about functioning in society. They didn’t have to protect me. They didn’t have to enforce any anti-bullying rules. They didn’t have to teach those kids to be nicer. But they should have pointed out ridiculous behavior when it was apparent. And they didn’t. I’ve forgiven them, both the kids and the teachers, because people that supremely shitty have my pity. And since they’re all so super Catholic and holier than thou, they’re probably going to hell, anyway. So me possibly being mad at them is the least of their worries, am I right? So, even though I was disappointed to find out that my kid had acted as a bully, it was very encouraging to know that that behavior is being reported, taken seriously, and acted upon. There’s no “life lesson” in withstanding abuse, aside from, “People will unnecessarily hurt you and you will have no refuge.” And that’s just not true.

I, of course, had one boyfriend who didn’t treat me very nice at all. He had so many messed up views on relationships that he let guide his actions with me. He never let his feelings for me lead him, feelings which, he told me after I’d already ended things, ran very deep. From what I understand, he hasn’t changed and perhaps he thinks he’s happy keeping people at a distance, only to be heartbroken when they finally detach. I wish him luck with that. I’m over it.

But just as I’ve made my life worth living, I’ve also made my life hell. When I don’t allow myself to think of myself as a good person or as someone worthy of love, those are my darkest days.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself