There isn’t anyone who is really in my life right now who is so poisonous that I regret our paths crossing. Because I’m just kind of crotchety, there are plenty of people who I don’t like but their importance in my life is basically null. At worst, they irritate me for a few minutes. At best, they give me a funny story to tell. I think I used to assign much more importance to these people in the past, but I don’t anymore. My family and friends are all pretty fantastic and their flaws aren’t so big that I feel affected by them.
Day 1 Something you hate about yourself. Day 2 Something you love about yourself. Day 3 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 5 Something you hope to do in your life. Day 6 Something you hope you never have to do. Day 7 Someone who has made your life worth living for. Day 8 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. Day 9 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
…the moment I saw you walking toward my house and I put out my cigarette because I knew you didn’t like it.
…the distance that shrank between us on the couch as Pi flickered on the screen in front of us.
…the blissful half-sleep that we fell into on the floor.
…the kiss that I gave you, the only thing that I could do at that moment.
…the countless kisses that came immediately after.
…the yawns that I stifled the next day at work, in between beaming smiles thinking of the night that never really ended.
…the stunned silence that we shared a few days later when we both blurted out, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
…that walk we took back to my house, arm in arm, gasping at the beauty of the late-night snowfall.
…that kiss, the one in the midst of one of our early “should we or shouldn’t we stay together?” tiffs, the one that made us realize that maybe it wasn’t really up to us.
…those first, shaky, “I love yous.”
…the terrified hug that we gave each other, a positive pregnancy test in the background.
…the tears that we shed, hoping that we were doing the right thing.
…the funny smile that appeared on your face when we first heard the heartbeat.
…focusing on your eyes as you stroked my forehead and told me jokes to keep me calm while our son was being born.
…how you’ve always pushed me to be stronger, but have always been there to catch me when I’ve collapsed.
…how you’ve never once entertained the notion that I was anything less than kick-ass.
…how you show your weaknesses and fears in tiny ways that only I can understand.
…how you’re basically the coolest father any kid could possibly hope for, even if you do yell too much.
…how you looked at me and told me that I was your strength as you became my husband.
…how you never, ever compromise on what’s important to you, even when it frustrates me.
…the countless laughs that we’ve shared.
…the way that our arguments just kind of dissolve.
…the fact that we know that we’re the best partner for each other.
…the way you can ask something like, “What was the name of that chick who was in that movie?” and I can usually provide the correct answer.
…the moment in between being awake and falling asleep, when I’m in your arms, and I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
…how, just when I think I couldn’t possibly fall more in love with you, I do just that.
Here’s to ten years together, through good and bad. I love you so, so much.
Unfortunately, I knew exactly who I was going to write about for this one as soon as I saw it.
I met Stacey in 1993 when she started at Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre School. She was a level and a grade ahead of me. We didn’t really get to know each other until that following summer which was when we found out that we were a lot alike. We both had red hair and extremely fair skin. We were both quiet. Neither of us was very enmeshed in a group of people at either ballet or school. We had similar senses of humor and similar interests outside of ballet.
During the two years that we were together at PBTS, we became very close and remained in touch when she moved to Richmond, VA to dance with the Richmond Ballet. A year later, I followed her down there and it was a given that we would be roommates.
We had some trying times as roommates…common annoyances like whose turn it was to do dishes or that time I accidentally got the phone turned off would have us sniping at each other. But we knew we were each other’s support. We laughed and cried together and spent many of our weekends chain smoking and “feasting” on bowls of sugar-free Jell-O or pretzels.
After I moved back to Pittsburgh, we kept in touch. When Stacey’s dance career ended from a persistent foot injury, she moved back, too. We became even tighter and when I got pregnant with the baby, she was one of the first people I told. I wanted her there when he was born. She showed up right after they had whisked me back to the operating room. I still thank the gods that she was there, as she was the only person with the presence of mind to grab my camera and take some pictures of that crazy morning.
Seriously, I could never thank her enough for capturing these moments. You see, I was over in my hospital bed talking to the pink elephants that were dancing around.
Durrrrr
Some years later, when the boyfriend was poised to become the husband, Stacey was the obvious choice to be my maid of honor.
We were still close, but by that time our interests and values had started to diverge a little. To be honest, I looked down on her new passions for motorcycles and guns. But I loved that she was standing behind me on my wedding day. I loved that we had been friends for so long. I loved her.
A few months later, I started working on my Master’s degree and became completely obsessed with this new version of my life, in which I was busy and working all the time and was sacrificing so much and nobody really knew or appreciated how hard it was. Stacey would try to make plans with me and I would decline or cancel and eventually stopped returning her calls. I was incredibly busy, too busy to even talk to her on the phone. Surely she knew that.
By the time our first wedding anniversary had rolled around, we hadn’t talked in months. I felt bad, but figured I would get back in touch with her soon enough. Another year or so went by, our only communication being Christmas cards. Last year, feeling incredibly shitty for how I had just dropped her, I wrote a note in the Christmas card that I sent her. “I miss you, Stacey. Can we reconnect soon?” I didn’t want to be too pushy after not communicating in so long.
I was stunned when the card came back with a bright yellow postal service label that robotically informed me that Stacey, one of my oldest friends, was no longer at that address and that the forwarding service to her new home in Montana had expired.
MONTANA?!?!?!
I deliberated over what to do and considered contacting her parents, who I hoped were still in Pittsburgh, for her new address. Before I could take any action, Stacey appeared on Facebook. I immediately sent her a sheepish message, telling her how sorry I was for being such a terrible, selfish friend and for being so careless with our friendship. Stacey kindly replied that it was fine, that she felt like she was getting in my way and just quietly bowed out of my life.
Her words stung, but only because they were true. In my foolish quest to be more important, to prove to myself that I was not a failure, I had utterly neglected her and she was too good of a person to call me on it, she just did what I wanted her to do.
I didn’t push for more interaction. I didn’t feel that it was my place anymore. I no longer had any right to influence how she felt about me.
A few months ago, a mutual Facebook friend tagged Stacey in a picture. I wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t shown up on my news feed when I happened to be looking at it. The picture was of Stacey, dancing with her father…in her wedding dress.
I was crushed. I wasn’t mad at her. I had no business being there. But I had failed her in that I couldn’t reciprocate the favor of standing and supporting her on her wedding day, vowing to be part of the network that made her marriage work like she had done for me.
I thought about writing to her to tell her all of this, but more photos appeared. She was beaming, beautiful, happy. She was fine without me and without my apologies.
I know that relationships, even the ones that seem the most likely to last forever, can just end. People grow apart, they no longer fill the roles in each others’ lives that they used to. At best it’s a chasm that quietly grows. At worst, lives are ripped apart. But it’s one of the few things in life that we can look at and see as being meant to be, whether we like it or not.
I still love Stacey and cherish the years that we had together. I will forever regret that I was the one responsible for undoing our friendship. Maybe someday we can try again.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life. Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do. Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for. Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Hmm…I’m having a hard time with this one. I think I’ve been pretty fortunate to have mostly good people in my life. And the ones that weren’t so good…we’ve either worked through it because we had to or they’re not in my life anymore.
When my parents were together and extremely unhappy, that made my life hellish. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor when a friend of mine was over one day. We were playing Barbies and I was trying to ignore the extremely loud argument that my parents were having downstairs. I was so embarrassed. I finally looked up at my friend and said, “I’m sorry my parents are yelling.” She looked back at me and said, “It’s okay. My parents used to do that all the time.” Having what is supposed to be the foundation of your family so plainly, obviously broken is/was embarrassing, even though it’s the case for so many of us. They finally called it quits some years after that, and it’s been slowly getting better.
I had some not so nice kids in the schools that I went to, particularly in middle school, and the teachers that should have done something, didn’t. They even seemed to delight in the fact that me and other targets were learning lessons about functioning in society. They didn’t have to protect me. They didn’t have to enforce any anti-bullying rules. They didn’t have to teach those kids to be nicer. But they should have pointed out ridiculous behavior when it was apparent. And they didn’t. I’ve forgiven them, both the kids and the teachers, because people that supremely shitty have my pity. And since they’re all so super Catholic and holier than thou, they’re probably going to hell, anyway. So me possibly being mad at them is the least of their worries, am I right? So, even though I was disappointed to find out that my kid had acted as a bully, it was very encouraging to know that that behavior is being reported, taken seriously, and acted upon. There’s no “life lesson” in withstanding abuse, aside from, “People will unnecessarily hurt you and you will have no refuge.” And that’s just not true.
I, of course, had one boyfriend who didn’t treat me very nice at all. He had so many messed up views on relationships that he let guide his actions with me. He never let his feelings for me lead him, feelings which, he told me after I’d already ended things, ran very deep. From what I understand, he hasn’t changed and perhaps he thinks he’s happy keeping people at a distance, only to be heartbroken when they finally detach. I wish him luck with that. I’m over it.
But just as I’ve made my life worth living, I’ve also made my life hell. When I don’t allow myself to think of myself as a good person or as someone worthy of love, those are my darkest days.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life. Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do. Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
It occurs to me that a lot of stuff happened in October that I didn’t write about here. Nothing life-altering, but events that would normally go here if I had time to write about them. I was frustrated by my lack of down time, but it’s good in a way that I wasn’t able to document anything. I was too busy living.
So, back at the beginning of the month, Frank got married. I didn’t take any pictures of that, but I did take a grand total of two at the rehearsal dinner.
There’s the bride and groom, a large centerpiece, and the best man. I believe I took this during the father of the bride’s “toast,” which was more of an undulating monologue about his job and his recent birthday and I think snails or something. After meeting Andrea’s dad, the picture that she had shown me of him in which he had fallen asleep while repairing the kitchen sink suddenly made perfect sense.
The next weekend, my cousin Jeffrey got married. The ceremony was at Heinz Chapel on the University of Pittsburgh campus.
Yes, I’m wearing the same dress that I wore to Frank’s wedding. It’s my new October Wedding Uniform.
I had never been inside Heinz Chapel before. It is indeed gorgeous. But I found that my attention span during Catholic masses is approximately the same as it was when I was six. I kept staring at the stained-glass windows and going, “Mom, look. Look. Look at those stairs! Mooooommm!” And then Jeffrey and Kristy were married.
Newton’s like, “Tsk! Stupid apple done messed up my coiffure!”
Their reception was in the Carnegie Museum Music Hall, which is also insanely gorgeous.
Carnegie may have been kind of a jerk, but he had awesome taste.
The next day, we celebrated my mom and grandfather’s birthdays.
My kid is so sweet.
The weekend after that, our friends Jwan and Karen got married.
It was a really nice time. Our group of friends doesn’t have a chance to get together that much anymore and the wedding was really casual so we spent most of the evening talking, drinking, and dancing. Afterward, we went to Jwan and Karen’s house were things got progressively sloppy.
That’s Jwan’s brother on the right, who is a very nice guy, but also very blunt. Late in the evening, he sat down next to me and explained that he could tell I was, “kind of insane.”
Tiny dogs attacked the husband and not long after this, said husband had some, er, digestive issues and we had to leave abruptly, though our buddy Alison protested vehemently. The sister-in-law and her boyfriend had to chase our car down the street. It was all very goofy.
Then there was another weekend, and I know we had some kind of social obligation but I can’t remember what it was at all. We also went roller skating. And I think this was the weekend that we made our annual trip to Trax Farms. I forgot to bring my camera so I don’t have any adorable pictures of my kid frolicking in a pile of pumpkins. I’m pretty sure that means my mommyblogger membership is revoked. However, Michelle was there at the same time and shetook pictures of her cute kid. So I’ll just piggyback on to her post and say, “Yeah, us too. Also: petting goats.” I also forgot cash so we couldn’t buy a cup of feed to give to the animals in the petting zoo. We kicked it old school and just petted (is that the proper conjugation?) the animals. I want an alpaca. Aside, goats’ eyes, or their pupils anyway, are rectangular.
This kept freaking me out because goats and their rectangular eyes would silently appear beside me and, in the absence of the feed cup, would start gnawing on my hoodie or my purse or my hair. Surreal.
Then came last weekend. Saturday was the Halloween parade in our neighborhood. The baby’s costume was inspired by the hopping vampires in this old, Chinese vampire movie called Mr. Vampire.
Obscure interests much?
When the husband and the baby were in New York this summer, they visited Chinatown and found various elements of the baby’s costume. We basically just had to take care of some makeup and the little prayer sheets.
It turned out pretty good, though nobody knew what he was and…well, I’ll come back to that in a sec.
The other big thing that happened this past weekend was that I turned 32 on Sunday. We celebrated at my mom’s house Saturday night.
I got some really nice stuff from Anthropologie (swoon!).
And there was cake and champagne and then my dad made the most absurd argument about how people can’t truly enjoy sports if they haven’t played them because they don’t appreciate how hard they are and for some reason this leads my dad to dismiss the entire Pittsburgh Penguins’ fan base (but no other sport) because he believes none of them/us have played hockey. Does your brain hurt after reading that? Yeah, imagine hearing it live. I pointed out that I’ve never practiced medicine but I appreciate it any time a doctor, like, gives me an emergency C-section to save the life of me and my child.
Sunday morning at 8:30 am (ugh) the baby had his last soccer game of the year. His team has had a rough season, winning only two games. It was a tough lesson for them, understanding that if you don’t try (which they often weren’t) you don’t get the results that you want. However, they were awesome during their last game, and even though they still lost, they looked pretty bad ass.
Their coaches gave them all trophies for their hard work. And though they were disappointed that they lost, I was secretly pretty glad that we were done for the year.
Sunday night was trick-or-treating. Now, we didn’t expect anyone to know what his costume was and I was really apprehensive about the assumptions that people would make. A lot of people responded simply, “Oh. Okay!” when he told them he was a Chinese, hopping vampire. But plenty of other people took a guess and said…sigh…”Chinaman.”
I know people get all irritated about political correctness, which is stupid because political correctness is just an admittedly poor term for a good thing: treating people with a equal amount of respect and not calling them things that they don’t wish to be called. There’s no legislation, there’s no censorship, it’s simply, “Hey, could you do me a solid and not be a douche and refer to my ethnicity/sexuality/religious/etc group as…?”
So, really, if you weren’t sure, “Chinaman” is not okay to say anymore. So stop.
Anyway, trick-or-treating went well. We had a perfect fall night and we’ve all been gorging on candy ever since.
The obvious answer here again is the baby. In a post that I wrote last year, I described the first time that I saw him thusly:
When I first saw him, it was like everything slowed to a complete stop for just an instant, but an instant that seemed to stretch on forever. Everything that I understood about life and time and love ended. And when the earth started spinning again a few milliseconds later it was in a new direction or had switched tracks. Even in the next few weeks, when things got really dark inside my head, that feeling was my touchstone.
I’m not going to act like I always have my priorities straight or that my perspective on life is always aligned correctly. But that moment has never dulled in my memory as the beginning of the life that I was meant to live. So whenever I’m stressing over something that I know really isn’t as life-or-death as I’m making it out to be, I call that moment to mind and things get a little bit clearer.
The husband also qualifies for this, but I’ll save most of that gush for a post that I’m working on for our anniversary. (Hint: get your barf bags ready because it’s going to make you sick. Plus, he’ll probably divorce me for posting something so Hallmark.)
But another obvious person who made my life worth living is me. I can get pretty down on myself, but every once in awhile, I recognize something good that I’ve done and I admit to myself that I’m a pretty decent person and perhaps the world is, in fact, a little bit cooler with me in it.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life. Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
My phone rang last week, displaying an unfamiliar number. I answered and was greeted by a representative from the baby’s school. He was a counselor heading up their new bullying prevention initiative. There had been an incident.
I automatically assumed that it was my son who had been at the receiving end of the bullying. But as I listened, it turned out that my son had been the bully and some other child his victim.
I couldn’t believe it.
I mean, my kid is an 8-year-old boy and obviously not the sweet baby that he was just a few years ago, but a bully?
The counselor explained further that the baby and another boy had created a game that involved smacking another kid, the object of which was for the smackee to stop the smackers in time. The boy who was the smackee asked them to stop several times. They did not.
I was somewhat relieved. This was not bullying as I understood it, someone with deep psychological issues who preys upon and terrorizes someone for arbitrary reasons, a behavior in adults we call stalking and harassment and sometimes even assault. I was even more relieved when the counselor told me that after the victim came to him to report the incident and the baby and his friend were called in to discuss the incident, the baby was very sorry and felt very bad about the whole thing and was very concerned about how much trouble he was going to be in with me.
I’m glad that the school has this program and that they’re encouraging children to speak up and seek protection when they’re being hurt. And I’m glad that the definition of bullying is broader than what I had assumed.
I told the baby later that I understood that he was not a bad person, that he had done something wrong but that I didn’t feel that he had set out to torment the child, who, in most other circumstances, is one of his school friends. I also told him about my experiences with bullying, that kids had picked on me for years because I was a small kid and because I was weird and because I was different. When he went back to school on Monday, he apologized to the boy and they made up.
As I was initially freaking out to a friend about this, she wisely told me, “I think it’s very easy for a kid to be a bully one minute, not a bully the next, the victim of bullying five minutes later, etc. I certainly played a number of different roles in the bullying landscape of school during my years in it…It’s complicated.”
“Like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion?” I replied.
I remembered specifically my middle school experience, which was certainly the worst of my school years, I was picked on constantly, but I remember getting some sick pleasure of being mean to two other girls. One was the tall, fat girl, the other was the short, extremely smart and quiet girl who bent down to bring her mouth to her food and not the other way around. I made fun of them behind their backs. Doing so gave me a few moments of acceptance within the larger group, some relief from being the center of ridicule. I may have been weird, but I wasn’t them.
I can’t remember my mom or dad ever telling me explicitly to treat other people with at least a little bit of respect, to recognize that they’re human and have feelings. They might have or maybe relied on my Catholic education to take care of that aspect of morality.
I doubt that this will be the last time that my son is ever mean or crosses a line or hurts someone’s feelings. But I told him anyway, “Be nice to people. Think about how you would feel if you were in their position. Assume that they’re having a rough time and take it easy on them.” What else is there to do?
I’m just going to blurt it out: I hope I never have to bury my child. Anything else in the world I could endure. That…I’m not sure that I could survive.
Ahem.
Anyway, to try to push that out of my head, a close second to that is that I hope I never have to take a math test ever again. I thought I was in the clear after my sophomore year of college, when I finally passed the dummy algebra class after failing it twice. But then I had to go and apply to graduate school which required the GRE. I even ruled out a career as a teacher when I found out that there were hefty math requirements to get the bachelor’s degree.
Even though you generally take math tests quietly and on your own, I still feel like I’m having the mother of all naked anxiety nightmares when I have to actually DO math and then SHOW it to someone, since my computations generally look like this:
It’s not that I don’t respect math and all that is truly awesome about it. I just don’t get it. At all. I mean, I can drive a car better than I can do math and if you’ve seen me drive then you know how much of a dunce I must be about numbers. And I have always hated the reactions that I get from people when they start to grasp how little I understand math. Especially since people who have even a little understanding of it are so freaking smug about it.
So if I could avoid ever taking another math test, that would be wonderful.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
There are a bunch of things that I hope to do in my life.
I want to go on a honeymoon with the husband. We couldn’t when we got married, but our fantasy trip was to Brazil.
I kinda want to have another baby. The husband is diametrically opposed and I recognize that it’s kind of a bad idea. But still…the desire is there.
I want to see the light on my son’s face as he watches the sun rise over the Great Pyramids in Egypt.
Those are the big things.
The main thing that I want to do in life, the thing that I just want to accomplish no matter what, is hosting Thanksgiving and/or Christmas at my house.
This might sound kind of boring or crazy to those of you who have hosted such events. And I recognize that it’s a ton of work and is probably pretty stressful on holidays that are supposed to be fun. But there’s something about this goal that just seems to have everything that I truly want in life wrapped up within it.
Every culture feasts. Feasts are a time to bring all of your best work to the table and share it with the people that you care about to mark special occasions, like holidays or achievements. Being able to host Thanksgiving or Christmas would mean that I had the ability to provide my family with a meal, that I was financially able to procure all of the ingredients and that I had a workspace that was adequate enough to prepare the meal without disaster. Attempting a big meal in my current kitchen would downright unwise.
I love making food for people. It’s one of those things that I always, always put forth my best effort for and seeing someone enjoy something that I made for them makes me so happy. I want to do that for our family and friends. I want to set the scene for some of their warmest memories.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I think I’m a pretty forgiving person. I feel like I used to be more extreme about it and used to completely write people out of my life for various transgressions that I perceived to be personal attacks. But with time I think I began to recognize more and more that there have been very few instances where someone acted in a way that was specifically to hurt me. Most of the time, people just act foolish and end up hurting others and we’re all guilty of that at least once in our lives. And really, life is too short to stay angry at people.
There are a few things that continue to bug me, though, that I really need to let go.
Obviously, I need to forgive everyone who was critical or unsupportive or acted in a way that I didn’t like about my pregnancy. Their words and actions didn’t come from a place of hate and while their execution was definitely shitty, it was their way of expressing concern for me and the husband and the baby. Relatedly, I need to forgive my mom and grandmother for forbidding anyone to throw baby shower for me before the baby was born, insisting that they would throw one for me after his birth. They never did. It wasn’t an intentional slight, just a casualty of life being busy, but it made me feel shitty.
I need to forgive the husband for not getting a job right away like we thought he would. It’s not his fault. And while he could be more fervent in his job search, we probably wouldn’t be in any different position than we are now. He’s not unemployed because he likes seeing me struggle. I know that. I just have to remind myself of it when I’m feeling like I’m doing all of this alone, because I’m not.
I need to forgive my dad for saying I was just like my mom and I need to forgive my mom for saying I was just like my dad. Neither observation was a compliment. They didn’t say those things to hurt me, but it sucked to hear both for various reasons.
I need to forgive my grandmother for being so opinionated. I really don’t like some of the things she has to say, but again, she doesn’t mean to hurt me.
I need to forgive the Steelers for losing to the Patriots in the 2004 AFC Championship game while I suffered frostbitten toes to cheer them toward victory.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 Something you love about yourself. Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
